I have enjoyed endless hours of delight observing the North American Conservative.
Many people, such as Paul Ryan, are surprised at the diversity and curious behaviors of these creatures. You too can enjoy this past time, whether in the wild or by placing a simple feeder full of campaign cash outside your window. Here is a partial list of specimens I have observed:
Christian Conservatives
Christian Conservatives are adherents to the teachings of Jesus, an itinerant Rabbi who worked in Judea during the reign of Tiberius (Tiberius Claudius Nero). Their principal beliefs are that God wants you to be rich, poor people suck, we should all hate the gays, and most importantly we really need to figure out why some women in the village aren’t having babies all the time. Christian Conservatives make a sort of howling sound about their “religious freedom” anytime observers point out that they may have gotten some of this wrong.
Fiscal Conservatives
Fiscal Conservatives believe that too many people don’t pay their fair share of taxes, and that the Government wastes any money we send them. Their principal activities are working to make sure that they and their friends don’t pay any taxes, and making sure the Government spends as great a share of its budget as possible buying $800 hammers for the army.
Erstwhile Confederates
Once upon a time, the Erstwhile Confederates had a grand ole time buying and selling Black People. Then a mean spirited group of Northern Libtards made them stop, and they’ve been touchy about it ever since. Having been forced at the point of a bayonet to give Black People civil and political rights, the Erstwhile Confederates spend all their time making god-damned sure that said Blacks do not get to use them.
Neo-Confederates
Neo-Confederates hail from parts of the country that missed out on the whole “People as Property” craze of the early Republic, but are still charmed by the idea that they have a civil right to deny others their civil rights. Their great grandfathers died fighting for the Union in the Civil War so that they could have the right to drive around with an enormous Confederate Flag flying from the back of their pick-up trucks. Neo-Confederates do not get irony.
Hyper Patriots
Hyper Patriots loves them some America. You can identify them by the flag motif that they festoon their cars, homes and clothing with. Their distinctive songs are all variations of “I Love America” (more than you do.) Hyper Patriots love everything about America except the Government, its laws, and most of its people. They also love Freedom and attach the word to anything they lay claim to much like dogs do with hydrants. Their most important Freedom is passing laws depriving other people of their right to act freely. Hyper Patriots actually embody irony.
War Hawks
These are quite common in the DC Metro Area. They feed largely on funds provided by defense contractors. At the slightest sign of trouble, War Hawks puff up their chests and cry “War, War,” hence the name. While loud and menacing looking, War Hawks rarely do any actual attacking of their own, preferring to convince the offspring of the Hyper Patriot to do all of their fighting. The best time to spot War Hawks is on Sunday Morning.
Conservative Polemicists
Polemicists are deeply and profoundly dedicated to one principle, namely that you can make a lot of money convincing people about things they already believe. While they have always been found in North America, they have increased in size and range thanks to the addition of the universal search and replace command in Microsoft Word (Ctrl R). See “Killing Jesus, Killing Reagan, Killing Patton, Killing Kennedy, and or anything written by Ann Coulter.
Conservative Media Bird
While totally lacking in discernment or integrity, Conservative Media Birds are remarkably good at repeating simple phrases taught by their owners. When confronted with new information, they simply repeat these phrases louder and louder until the observer is forced to look away. Conservative Media Birds are not naturally curious, preferring to keep their heads in the feeder rather than looking around the yard a bit.
Dodos
The conservative dodo is generally found in the continent’s interior, preferring to stay away from the coasts or major centers of learning. They live on less than 50K a year, but will fight tooth and claw to prevent changes to the Carried Interest tax rate on hedge fund profits. While once dominant throughout the continent, their numbers and range have been decreasing, as the other species of conservatives will
Invade their nests and distract them from their own self-interest. Most of them are beyond breeding age, and observers predict extinction.
I would be delighted the hear about any specimens you have observed.