United Airlines’ managers looked at themselves in horror this morning. Not because of the horrific way they treated a mild-mannered doctor who simply sought to go home so he could treat and cure sick people, but because United’s stock crashed (ahem) more than 3.5% — according to Bloomberg, the largest one day drop ever in any airline’s stock price.
Their internal PR staff reportedly threw up their hands and said, “Fuck no. We can’t fix this. Not unless heads roll. . . . Wait. We weren’t being literal! What are you doing with that machete? Wait! STOP! WAIT! STOP! NOOOOOOOO!” (insert sound of heads rolling in United’s PR department)
Here are the actual words of apology from the horse’s ass currently crashing United’s stock and reputation:
This is an upsetting event to all of us here at United. I apologize for having to re-accommodate these customers. Our team is moving with a sense of urgency to work with the authorities and conduct our own detailed review of what happened. We are also reaching out to this passenger to talk directly to him and further address and resolve this situation.
First, you did enough reaching out to your victim already. Leading with a right cross, then following with an uppercut with the left is not what most people consider reaching out.
Second, a sense of urgency? Obviously you wanted the plane to leave WITH YOUR OFF DUTY EMPLOYEES because:
a) If you didn’t fly them out on that flight, you would have been forced to pay them overtime ( a corporate sin that allows for no atonement)
b) you would have been forced to pay another crew to stand in for them (an even worse corporate sin)
c) your flight would be further delayed, causing problems with the FAA (and to hell with those people you paid you for a service, i.e., a flight to Louisville.)
Ok, I can see that some might note that flying anyone to Louisville itself is a major transgression and a shame, but I digress.
Third, I stand in awe at the ability of United’s top corporate warrior, Oscar Munoz, to create new words with truly astounding meanings. RE-ACCOMODATE? Seriously? Is that what beating up a defenseless 69 year old doctor and dragging him out of a plane is? A RE-ACCOMODATION? Was it because he was old? Was it because he looked “slant-eyed” at you, you racist bastards? Somehow I don’t see a white, perky, blond, buxom bimbette being treated the same way.
Corporate thuggery — really, there is nothing else to call it — is yet another symptom of rampant, uncontrolled, de-regulated, nasty, MBAism run amuck. Your efforts to squeeze ever more sardines in to your flying tin cans is bad enough. Your adding on ever more surcharges for luggage, while removing those cheap perks that were almost, but not quite inedible, your AI based methods for playing with airfare rates to maximize profits — all of this was lamentable, impersonal, often painful, and ever more unpleasant. Flying used to be interesting, fun, and relaxing. Those days are long gone. Given a choice of driving for 8 hours or flying, hell, it is no longer a choice. Driving is far more relaxing and pleasant.
Well, Mr. Munoz, you fucking corporate ass, we are here to help you out. Consider this a contest as we collectively try to find a new logo or corporate statement for you.
Here’s a suggestion:
“Flee the Friendly Skies”
or
“You’re in good hands with United!”
“Unleash the Next Wave of Storm Troopers!”
“Make Smiles. Or else!”
“The Beatings will Continue Until Morale Improves!”
“United — we now offer ThunderDome Flights! Two men Enter . . . ”
It might help if we quoted you, Mr. Munoz, and your (ahem) corpse-rate statement:
How we’re making our company and our community stronger
As I travel our network and see the incredible diversity of our employees and customers around the world, I’m constantly reminded that, at our core, we are all about connecting people. From Chicago, Illinois to Chengdu, China, behind every connection we make is a community we strive to serve. The phrase, “We are United,” though expressed in many languages by our more than 86,000 employees spread around the globe, articulates a shared purpose to make a lasting, positive impact everywhere we operate.
We make this commitment not merely because we believe it creates value for our company, though it does; but because it derives from our fundamental values as a company.
Every day, I am inspired by the countless stories of our employees going the extra mile to put those values into practice, helping solve some of the world’s worst problems by summoning the best of themselves.
When a pilot mentors an at-risk student to pursue a career in aviation or when our United for Veterans business resource group helps veterans connect to great careers that put their extraordinary skills to use, we’ve made our company and our community stronger and all of our futures brighter.
With our size and scale, we are in a position to make a big difference, and it starts from within. Our employees are our foundation, and I have seen first-hand the deep care they have for each other, our customers and our communities. When the devastating earthquake struck Nepal, our employees and customers didn’t hesitate to help—donating nearly $2 million in just the first week. You’ll see a lot of big numbers like that in this report, but what’s really important is the people and shared purpose behind those numbers.
Raising money is incredibly important when it comes to helping in times of need, but creating meaningful and personal connections that empower people to get involved is equally important. Last year, one of our reservations quality assurance analysts and her family proudly served as the National Ambassadors for March of Dimes. Elise Jackson, her husband, Todd, and their son Elijah—who was born at just 25 weeks—inspired us all, and we raised $3 million for March of Dimes.
From raising money to saving money—our employees can do it all. Through teamwork and an intense focus on fuel efficiency, we cut our fuel consumption by more than 31 million gallons in 2015—equal to removing more than 65,000 passenger vehicles from the road. And along the way, we’re helping reduce our carbon footprint and minimize our impact on the environment.
Our actions align with the United Nations Global Compact, which outlines key principles of environmental and social responsibility for businesses around the world. We have been proud to be the only U.S. airline participating in the Compact since 2010.
Global companies have a responsibility to do what they can to make the world a better place. So do individuals. I invite you to join me and our United family in building a better future for us all.
Oscar Munoz
CEO
United Airlines
crreport.united.com/...
“Positive Impact?” You must be joking. “Every connection,” ie., leading with a right cross? “First hand the deep care,” with an uppercut? “Going the extra mile?”