I realized when I was about 7 or so that something was different about me. I had no idea what it was, in words, I just never felt like I fit in. Growing up Jewish in mainstream America somewhat felt, to my little brain, the same way…. the most of people I saw were “something” and I was not like that… though I did not know how.
We moved from one city to another, and when I was 9 or so I had my first same-sex experimental event, he was 10 I was 9. He totally took control and I, not knowing anything, was involved in it… and after that encounter I knew something more about me. It was the first time I felt “right” in a way.. but did not know why or how, or how to label it.
As I grew up I found myself more and more attracted to members of the same sex. Sure there was the occasional crush on a girl, but that was far less frequent.
By the time I got to high school I was pretty much sure I was “Bi sexual” knowing then what it meant, but that was when I met my first love….which I will not go into now as I have discussed this in a previous, recent, diary. I was lumped into being gay… not that there is anything wrong with that. People in my environment, both gay and straight that I could not be bi, as there was no such thing. So for a long period of time I never felt “right” but I felt more right than I was comfortable with before.
Fast forward after a long period of self-destructive behavior as someone else I had fallen in love with committed suicide when he was 18. I ended up drinking too much, going to the bars too much, and having unprotected sex all the time. I just not seem to care. Depression about the loss of my ex, and not feeling as who I am, consumed me.
I finally got clean after a long while and decided to apply for graduate school and off I went. I dated a few times in grad school, but no relationships lasted after I had to move from graduation to one to graduation to my ultimate Ph.D program.
In the program I was approached by a woman, she was also in psychology, albeit an undergrad. She was, and still is, beautiful in many ways. She approached me and I finally felt comfortable telling her my story. After much interaction we dated for 2 years or so, until I ended up leaving my Ph.D. program.
The relationship was fulfilling since I was finally able to know who I really was and to accept it.
I ended up as an Associate Professor at a small school in Oklahoma that no one has ever heard of, and I was seduced for lack of a better word by a student in one of my classes I taught. After that term was over we ended up in a relationship for about a year (I made sure to never teach her again) and we broke up when I decided to pursue other jobs.
Basically after that I ended up in Chicago and got involved, romantically, with another man and we were together until my health started to decline in 2005, and then we broke up since I had no want/time for a relationship and have not dated since then.
Looking back it was a long trip to end up where I am…..a celibate bisexual man… and I’d never wish the trip on anyone.
It amazes me how times have changed since the late 1980s when I came out, 30 plus years ago. I can just imagine how hard it must have been to come out in even earlier times. It is much different, I assume than it is now...as being gay seems to be a lot more accepted now then it was when I was a child.
Anyway, I just was curious as to when you came out, and your experiences?