When I tell the story of being raped, I get a sense of taking back the life stolen from me. I'm working on why that is, it seems the gist is that sharing my trauma, distills it, disipates it, like fog burned off by the sun. Exposing the deep feelings of betrayal and hopelessness of the event could be triggering at times. It's what happens, rape is not always physically violent, mine was an implied sense of threat, I was pulled by my arm with force. Not violent to give pain, but persistant to invoke fear and resignation, I had no choices whatever. They were college age men, I was 16 (short aside, consider rape culture advocacy recognizing male rape).
One thing that's difficult for me, I perceive things differently than non vicitims. I am hyper-vigilant, and the fact I have had other childhood trauma on top of being raped as an older child, my brain wired incorrectly. I don't fire on all cylinders like normal brains. Mine disconnected that vital role of the brain. My memory, my processing emotions, my attention span, perception, etc... are all skewed by the brain I have for processing. It's a disadvantage, that is dismissed, unrecognized and a supreme hinderance.
What happened during my rape is recongnized in research like this; That hopelessness and the end of any chance to fight or flight leads to the freeze state, and finally submission. These are innate survival defenses. They’re described here: http://www.meditation-ptsd.com/ptsd-symptoms/ I have discovered, that these happening in childhood lead to fautly wiring of the brains processing system.
pdf, of The Amazing Brain
An Excerpt from the .pdf above:
Please note "Fewer brain connections". That's an important thing to learn about healing. It helps to make sense of the cause and effect that have impacted the life of childhood survivors like me. Once we learn this exists, then, as adults we can decide to take action and repair it. What's been a long standing problem for men in particular, is their reticence to expose themselves, revealing the sexual trauma still holds stigma and fear of social pariah.
We wait sometimes many decades to reveal, and by then, the brain has settled into its pattern. A young, maleable brain can have a very good chance to heal quite fast, resilience has already been proven, just by surviving; recognize not all do! Those of us that make it to some form of living, good or bad, at some point wake up to the depth of feelings that PTSD imposes. Especially Complex PTSD from long exposure to trauma. Those cases are particularly problamatic and need community of resources and support, with love as a the base of healing.
Recovery is thought to have a foundation in love, a concept many survivors fail at. We might crave it, or not, but the actual behaviors of love were unlikely learned. There are those who suffer immediate family abuse, and that's commonly where the complex PTSD derives. Though not exclusive, we're all different; reactions are not one size fits all. That brain connection problem, or rewiring as I call it, shows to be an extraordinarily tough nut to crack. The brain has coded for decades, what can we do?
It turns out, there are things. One of which is EMDR. I hope all the above sinks in. My next diary will look at part of my journey to fix my rewired brain (in progress).
If I could ask this, please STAR and TIP if doing one, please do the other as well. Thank you. I wish writing that appears off hand, and normal, it’s not meant to be desperate for recognition, the Rec and TIP to me are to expose the information, to advocate. Again, thank you.
Tuesday, Oct 17, 2017 · 2:42:47 PM +00:00
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RickNelsonmn
I will soon write a diary about dissociation. It’s vital to understand. There’s a wide trauma spectrum; there’s need and hiding in the world of male survivors. We hide in our brains, our lives, our connections. I’m not sure if it will impact many beyond those whose experience gives full understanding. It takes patience to be a survivor.
See you soon.