Howdy, fellow Kossacks. Hope y’all are well.
Some big life changes are coming my way, and since I’d rather not dance around the topic with polite evasions; the biggest one is a divorce, ending a seven-year marriage. (A universe of mirthless laughter echoes in my head as I note for the peanut gallery that this is indeed my second marriage, and both have lasted almost exactly seven years. I am living the statistical norm. Whee.)
The emotional freight of that parting is considerable, but I’ll deal with that on my own time. What I am not sure I have the mental resources to handle is the change in financial circumstances. My wife has always earned better money than I; in the last few years it’s been a big gap. We’ve focused on paying debts, so we don’t have much in savings. She’s being very generous with what is there (our parting is, blessedly, about as amicable as it can be), but it’s the “going forward” picture that terrifies me. My own income isn’t by any means meager, but it’s not great. In today's economy, with all the current uncertainty surrounding healthcare and other markets, it might be… on the edge of bad.
Earlier today (Sunday), my (for now) wife and I sat down to look at my monthly inputs and outputs.
It’s… not a nice picture.
I’ve talked often on DKos about my two older dogs, Merilee and Lorelei, who will be journeying with me as I start my life over. (Another peanut-gallery note, these girls came into my life early in the first marriage… and will now have been through two divorces with me.) They’re both well into their late years, and require monthly medication to keep them well. I also try very hard to feed them good food. It’s still kibble, but it’s among the highest quality you can get commercially (and I may look at transitioning to a raw meaty bones diet, now that I won’t have my wife’s objections to consider). They are a big — but absolutely non-negotiable — cost driver. I’ll go without food before they go without the food and medicine they need.
Then there are my own expenses. My wife and I highballed almost all the costs, planning for the worst so to speak; so things hopefully won’t be as bad as they look.
But they did look, well, bad.
Let me be completely forthright here. I am not asking for donations. Not because I have too much pride or any such rot; because there are others in this great community who need such resources much more than I do. I don’t want to take food from the mouths of the truly needy. I may ask for help, if it gets bad enough. But that would have to be very bad (i.e. the dogs would have to be threatened). And I won’t even know how bad it is for months. Again, my (for now) wife is being incredibly gracious here; I’ll be staying in the home we’ve shared for most of our marriage for a few months longer, making basically the same contribution to mortgage and bills. It’s an arrangement that benefits us both, though me more than her. The hammer isn’t falling right away.
So what am I asking for?
Well, the title says it all.
Advice.
I need to plan.
Like I said, I know there are many needy (and worthy) persons here on DKos who are living on far more meager resources than the ones I’ll be working with.
I’ve survived a very similar situation to this, back in 2007 after my first divorce. I did not like it. But I pulled it off.
But things were different then.
Neither dog had the monthly required medicine they now do. Food was cheaper. I didn’t have a car loan, and my auto insurance was cheap.
And… well, I just tightened my belt.
I ate a lot of ramen. (A LOT.) And cheap cereal. Restaurants, dining out — that stuff didn’t exist for me. Not “rarely” — never. Eventually, when things got a little better (after I had received a raise at my job), I’d occasionally buy myself a California Pizza Kitchen pie, to celebrate. And just to have a sorta-nice meal.
So obviously I’m going to be shifting back to that kind of footing. Just being lean as I can on any spending I can directly control, even while I’m still here in the house. Save as much as I can; pay a little ahead on the car loan as able, just to get it out of the way as fast as possible. And for Dog’s sake, push my 401k contribution to the maximum possible. I’m going to be 47 years old in a little over three months. That means I’ve got almost exactly twenty working years left. Assuming I don’t become disabled before then. And what’s in that retirement account now, well… it ain’t much. At all.
So I need you. All of you wonderful folks who’ve made much less than I’ll have into much more of a life than I may have ever known. Who’ve kept families together and budgets working despite a hostile armada of negative factors. Who’ve faced life’s vicissitudes with barely the ability to scrape by, but somehow come out ahead. Who’ve laughed loud and been happy — or at least content, and able to strive for more — at a table with the meanest of meals.
Please.
Tell me how you did it. How you do it.
What do you cut? What do you keep?
What do you gain? What do you lose?
How do you cope?
What were your hardest choices? Easiest?
Are there social services you can use, if you make well above the poverty line for an individual — but you’re not sure you can keep from going into debt each month? How do you reach them (in Tennessee, if you know)?
Anyone got recommendations for a second job? I already have one possibility there, with a good chance of getting an interview and getting hired — but it may be a suboptimal choice. Please — share your best suggestions here. They’ll be appreciated more than you know.
Should I look at getting a roommate? (It’s obviously occurred to me, but I’d be placing some demands, maybe unfair ones, on them right in the door. Mostly, are you allergic to dogs; and can you handle living with two old dogs who need care? Can you be part of that care if needed?)
And just anything else you can think of. Overwhelm me. Inundate me. Drown me in your wisdom. That is not in any way sarcastic. Virtually any suggestions and recommendations may be of help, for one thing; and for another… well, having things to help me think about surviving and taking productive action is probably better for me than ruminating about the decisions and factors that have led me to this unhappy pass for a second time. I’m pretty depressed right now, and having actionable (or plannable) ideas in front of me will probably help.
There’s one thing I know about this community, and that’s that it is — you are — totally fucking awesome. I don’t think I’m assuming too much to guess that there’ll be expressions of heartfelt concern and solidarity in the comments; thank you, in advance.
And just to underscore, once again, this is not a request for donations. I have no idea what the future holds, but for now, I’m not there. And despite my melancholy, I hope — I like to believe — that if I’m careful, if I’m cautious, if I’m frugal as I know how to be — that it will be all right. Not great. Not fun. But I’ll get by.
And I know y’all know more than I do. So please — make me smarter about living lean.
Thank you. For reading, for helping, for being you.
Thank you.