A couple of months ago, I wrote a diary about discovering that I had a mental illness, and what that meant for me as a man. A few commenters wanted me to update my situation when it was warranted, so here I am. This is not a particularly political diary, so feel free to skip over it if you wish—no problem. I warn you it might be a bit long.
Well, I’ve been seeing an excellent mental health counselor, and I have been prescribed an anti-depressant. I have also, with my therapists approval, been taking a couple of herbal supplements that have been really helpful. I had a good conversation with the counselor, wherein I said that I wanted only the minimum medication necessary to allow me to be able to realistically assess my situation and the world in general without being overwhelmed by dark and suicidal thoughts. So I’m taking very light doses of medicine, and combined with therapy, meditation, and a more realistic view of things, I think I’m getting a little better.
One issue that remains is what can best be described as intellectual lethargy. I’ve remained fairly active on DKos as far as commenting, and I have managed to write a few diaries. But the diaries have consisted of mentioning and linking to a story with a little bit of analysis, and not much else. Original content is still a chore—I’ve spent two four five days now writing this. There’s obviously still work I have to do.
But there have been some upsides to this whole experience.
I’ve long been an energetic advocate on mental health and disability issues. Having now seen things from a more personal perspective, I now have an even deeper understanding of it and feel that more qualified to speak out on it. It’s not that I feel more strongly because now it affects me, but rather that this new perspective has broadened my understanding of it. And it has made me more aware of the importance of listening, on all issues, to the voices of those directly affected by them. This means that when a POC speaks about racism, a queer person discusses LGBTQ issues, or a woman expresses an opinion on misogyny, and what they say challenges my opinions, I need to accept the probability that I am in the wrong.
And, as I noted in my original diary, being sick has upended my feelings, some of them unconscious, about what it means to be a man. I always knew that being mentally ill does not mean that one is weak. I am now fully aware that this is true even if one is male, and even if that male is me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I am grateful that it has knocked the legs out from under a sense of superiority I didn’t even know I had. And it has made me a better caregiver and companion to my wife, whose illness is much more severe than mine.
The notion that mental illness is a weakness that men must not admit to is not only ridiculous, it is self-destructive. It is one reason that so many of us engage in violence, and why so many of us kill ourselves rather than get help. It is a major reason that the macho mindset is so toxic to us and to those around us.
I have done many “manly” things in my time—clearing land, major automotive work, building things, that sort of stuff. This is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. But in the end I will be better for it, and I will be better equipped to help the people I care about make their lives better.
I want to thank those of you who have offered me support and good thoughts. You have been more helpful than you can know. And I want to give a special shoutout to GoodNewsRoundup, whose daily postings of positive stories have been instrumental to changing my outlook.
Thanks for reading this. Now get back out there and kill Trumpcare.