From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
I feel pretty and witty and...oh, what's the word?
Queer quotables as we head into the last weekend of LGBT Pride Month:
“I could not be prouder of the transformation that’s taken place in our society just in the last decade. I’ve said before, I think we’ve made some useful contributions to it, but the primary heroes in this stage of our growth as a democracy and society are all the individual activists and sons and daughters and couples who courageously said, ‘This is who I am and I’m proud of it.’ And that opened peoples minds and opened their hearts.”
---President Obama, final news conference on Jan. 18
"It’s definitely different. The biggest change is that gay culture is more normative. It was really important to me as a kid coming out that there was a gay community with physical gay places in the world. People coming out today don’t feel they have a specific spot. They don’t have to go to a bar. They don’t have to belong to gay associations or use gay travel pathways. Kids are coming out on Facebook now."
---Rachel Maddow, Playboy interview
“I say, you need to let people know who you are and you need to come on out. You don’t need to live your life in darkness---what’s the point in that? You’re never gonna be happy; you’re gonna be sick. You’re not gonna be healthy if you try to suppress your feelings and who you are.”
---Dolly Parton
"Effective immediately, transgender Americans may serve openly, and they can no longer be discharged or otherwise separated from the military just for being transgender."
---Secretary of Defense Ash Carter, one year ago today
"To all those lawmakers out there who are so obsessed with who’s using what bathroom and what plumbing they got downtown: Newsflash---you’re the weirdos.”
---Stephen Colbert
"I am young, I am gay, I am black. A true-blue Territorian. I am the nation's first openly gay, Indigenous parliamentarian. I am eternally proud of who I am and where I come from. I own it and wear it with pride."
---Chansey Paech, 28, the first Aboriginal and openly-gay politician in Australia
“I had the experience with The Joy of Gay Sex, when it was being distributed in Canada, that a woman thought she was buying The Joy of Cooking. She went home and looked up "chicken" and was absolutely appalled. She created a tremendous fuss.”
---Author Edmund White
That was fun. Same time next year?
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 30, 2017
Note: As for the C&J schedule, we'll be off Monday, followed by our traditional July 4th post on Tuesday, then regular C&Js Wednesday through Friday. Have a safe and freedomtastic holiday weekend. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Second Half of the Year Day: 1
Days 'til the 14th annual World's Largest Catsup Bottle Festival & Car Show in Collinsville, Illinois: 9
Percent of Americans who support the GOP’s Senate health care plan, according to a new USA Today-Suffolk University poll: 12%
Percent of Americans with HIV who depend on Medicaid to pay their medical bills: 40%
Percent chance that Fed chair Janet Yellen believes the banking reforms put in place by Obama make it doubtful that another economic calamity will occur "in our lifetimes": 100%
Number of Trump clubs in which that fake Time magazine cover was seen hanging on a wall: 7
Percent of Americans who choose a staycation instead of travel when they make summer vacation plans, according to an AP-NORC poll: 8%
Estimated number of hot dogs that will be devoured during the July 4th holiday weekend: 150 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Solve this puppy math problem and then you can go play…
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CHEERS to July! Tomorrow we start a new month that also happens to divide the year cleanly in half. America turns 241 Tuesday (but thanks to a recent facelift and tummy tuck, we don’t look a day over 230) and Canada turns 150. It's also National Baked Beans Month and National Ice Cream Month, and on the 11th we'll be celebrating something called Feest van de Vlaamse Gemeenschap (Translation:"The takeover of the planet by horny gerbils in chaps"). The full moon---aka a “full buck moon”---happens on the 9th, so make a note to look up yonward and wink at at Neil Armstrong and Elvis. And speaking of full moons, the second week of July is Nude Recreation Week. Sequel Mania hits theaters with An Inconvenient Sequel, Spiderman 6, and Planet of the Apes 3, but that will pale in comparison to Game of Thrones mania (premieres on the 16th). And you just know that Republicans will try and take another whack at passing their giant money grab disguised (poorly) as a health care plan. Which reminds me: what does a teabagger do in July while thinking about the likelihood that Democrats will take back the House in 2018? Shake 'n bake.
CHEERS to Nurnberg nuptials. What a great day over in Germany. The Bundestag gave the thumbs-up to marriage equality for gay and lesbian couples, making it the 13th European country to climb aboard the progress train. Some wild receptions are ahead, according to the Oh God, My Wife Is German Blog:
[T]here’s something deep inside German DNA which allows them to party harder than us by orders of magnitude. A real German party makes an American party look like a bunch of diaper-wearing toddlers trying to hump a piñata.
Your German will drink, but will not get sloppy drunk---just the right amount of fuel to feed the machine. He or she will take---or be featured prominently---in every single picture taken that night. He or she will dance, sing, eat ridiculously heavy foods, laugh and then dance some more…all while you have long since passed out. Germans are cosmic partiers, you see. Your German will be the sun in the solar system that is your wedding reception, and its gravity will pull all celestial matter toward its center---including you, the wayward planet with the decaying orbit---where you will burn in its white-hot embrace for all eternity.
Wedding ("Hochzeit") ceremonies will start sometime after July 7th. True fact: after the ceremony, the married German couple saws a log in half to symbolize their pledge to work together. Not in this country---we saw a cake in half to symbolize eating.
CHEERS and JEERS to gettin' outta Dodge. AAA (pronounced "Ahhhhh") is out with its July 4th weekend holiday traffic prediction. Over 44 million people will be trying to get to their vacation destination at exactly the same time and at exactly the same place as you. That's up from last year. The details:
The vast majority of travelers---37.5 million Americans---will drive to their Independence Day destinations, an increase of 2.9 percent over last year.
Air travel is expected to increase 4.6 percent over last year, with 3.44 million Americans taking to the skies this Independence Day. Travel by other modes of transportation, including cruises, trains and buses, will increase 1.4 percent,to 3.27 million travelers.
The national average gas price is four cents cheaper than this same time last year and a contributing factor to the increase in travelers on the roads this Independence Day. With today’s national average price for a gallon of gas at $2.28, prices remain historically low for the summer travel season.
So if you find yourself stuck in a traffic jam this weekend caused by a wave economic optimism fueled by the eight-year recovery from the Great Bush Collapse, you know what to yell: "Thanks, o-BAMA!!!"
CHEERS to leveling the playing field. On Sunday's date in 1964, President Johnson signed into law a sweeping civil rights bill that secured "equal rights in voting, education, public accommodations, union membership and in federally assisted programs---regardless of race, color, religion or national origin." And that sure pissed off the asshole wing of the American public:
During the debate on the bill, segregationist politicians from America's deep south expressed their disappointment and anger.
Congressman Howard Smith of Virginia called it a "monstrous oppression of the people."
How sweet to know that today's racist apples don’t fall far from the crazy tree. Even with the murders, racial profiling, voter suppression and church burnings, a huge swath of today's conservatives seem to believe that overt discrimination against minorities is a thing of the past, and America is now a multi-racial conga line of equality and unicorns. I believe that, too. But only when I'm smokin' something really wacky.
CHEERS to faking out the faker. This week Lord Dampnut got caught fake-newsing up a cover of TIME magazine and hanging copies of it in at least seven of his resorts. The internet, of course, went crazy with intricately-designed memes mocking our idiot-in-chief. But New Yorker cartoonist John Mavroudis said fuck it, let's keep it simple…
Responded trump: “I don’t think that’s real. There’s no bar code.”
CHEERS to he who is laughing last. On June 30, 1520, Montezuma II was murdered as Spanish conquistadors fled the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan. Today he gets his "revenge" by inflicting a certain embarrassing malady on tourists who visit Mexico and drink the water. Now pay attention, class:
When you're slidin' into first and you feel something burst---Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you're slidin' into third and you lay a juicy turd---Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you're slidin' into home and your shorts are filled with foam---Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you're sitting in your Chevy and your pants are wet and heavy---Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
Look at that: history, sports, biology and industrial engineering. At C&J, school's always in session.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Just a quick rundown of some of the stuff we might be watching this weekend on the tube, starting tonight with sanity preservers Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow. New home video releases include the disappointing movie version of CHiPS and the disappointing reboot of Power Rangers. The baseball schedule is here. (The Red Sox will stuff and mount the Blue Jays on their locker room wall Ha Ha Ha!) On 60 Minutes: why idiots join ISIS (spoiler alert: because they're idiots), and circus lions enjoy their retirement in South Africa. And despite the holiday weekend, John Oliver returns to HBO's Last Week Tonight to slay more hypocritical and/or evil homo sapienses. Beyond that, it's the usual boob tube dreck. And speaking of dreck, here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: HHS ghoul and congenital liar Tom Price and his Bond villain cheek mole; Sens. Tom Carper (D-DE) and Bill Cassidy (R-LA); author Malcolm Gladwell; Eugene Robinson is on the pundit panel.
This Week: TBA.
Face the Nation: Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT, hawking a new book) but no Democratic lawmakers; CBS News Foreign Correspondent Holly Williams on ISIS’s death throes; filmmaker Matthew Heineman and Syrian journalist Abdalaziz Alhamza on their new Syria-related documentary “City of Ghosts.”
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie!!! Jason Kander and Obama administration alum Karine Jean-Pierre are on the pundit panel.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Senator Rand Paul (R-KY). Whoa, feel the excitement.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 30, 2007
CHEERS to them darn kids. A New York Times/CBS News/MTV poll shows that a growing number of them have contracted Democrat Fever:
More than half of Americans between 17 and 29 years old---54 percent---say they intend to vote for a Democrat for president in 2008. They share with the public at large a negative view of President Bush, who has a 28 percent approval rating with this group, and of the Republican Party. They hold a markedly more positive view of Democrats than they do of Republicans.
The poll says the next greatest generation favors universal health care, gay marriage and a realistic immigration policy. Plus they'll be paying my Social Security in 25 years. Ya just wanna squeeze their little cheeks 'til they burst, I tell ya.
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And just one more…
FIRE IN THE HOLE! to lightin' them freedom fuses and firin' them warnin' whistlers. Fireworks are now a fact of life here in Maine (thank you,2011 Republican-led legislature), but at least sales have been sliding downhill as the novelty wears off. In fairness, municipalities are still free to ban fireworks, and Portland is among them (our city has burned down enough times, thanks). Suffice it to say, some of our neighbors are already firing shit off their balcony, and Grampa Billy has the cops on speed-dial. Harumph. And now please join us for our annual pre-4th C&J tradition---featuring a boomtastic Consumer Product Safety Division video set to relaxing muzak---of reminding ourselves that fireworks are most dangerous when they're in the hands of crazy-ass mannequins:
And then give a flag-wavin' cheer to our current state motto: "Maine: The Emergency Room Is Thataway."
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are youcheering and jeering about today?
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