From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Avast…or something.
It's me...Captain Billybeard, swarthy fear-instiller of the deep blue kiddie pool. Today is the most blow-me-downest day of the year: International Talk Like A Pirate Day. And arrrway we go…
Tesla Motors: "Take yerself for a spin in our new electric carrr!"
American worker: "Thanks to those greedy bastards on Wall Street, I may never get to retarrr!"
Winston Churchill: "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest arrr!'"
Daily Kos blogger: ”My favorite front-pager is Barrrrb.”
Daily Kos blogger with opposing view: “My favorite front-pager is Joan McCarrrrter.”
Buzz Aldrin: "To Marrrrs!"
Rapture Fanatic: "This Saturday will bring Arrrrmageddon."
Driving instructor: "Put the carrrr in Parrrrk!"
Theatre Critic: "Don’t miss the revival of Streetcarrr Named Desarrr!"
Democratic strategist: "Kamala Harris is a rising starrr!"
Postal abbreviation of Bill Clinton's home state: AR
Trump cabinet member: "Ready! Farrr! Aim!"
And a special bonus…
“The Graham-Cassidy Amendment will kick over 30 million Americans off their health insurance, severely damage Medicaid, allow the insurance vultures to deny coverage based on pre-existing conditions and lifetime caps, cause a spike in premiums, strand low-income Americans, slash women’s health services, and god knows what else is hidden in that monstrosity. Jesus, people, I’m a freaking pirate and even I know this thing is fucking cruel. Call your senators and make this piece ‘o shit walk the plank.”
Thanks for reading. You've been a swarrrthy arrdience.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Note: Today is also National False Accusation Day. Or at least it was until you stole it.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the election in Germany: 5
Days 'til the Taco Festival in Nashville: 11
Number of people currently on the island of Barbuda after Irma struck: 0
Estimated damage to Cuba from Irma: $30 billion
Percent chance that western states and rural areas are those with the highest rates of veteran suicide, according to a Veterans Affairs report: 100%
Lowest ticket price available to see Neil DeGrasse Tyson speak at Portland, Maine’s Merrill Auditorium September 27th: $96
Martin Shkreli’s inmate number: #87850-053
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Five reasons why every winery needs a dog…
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CHEERS to congressional carpentry. There’s a lot going for us in our bid to rebuild our House majority in 2018. For starters, tons of Democratic candidates have entered races around the country---far more than Republicans. Second, there’s the latest generic congressional poll I saw that has Democrats ten points more favorable in the minds of American voters than Republicans. Third, Democrats are far more fired up than the other side. Fourth, Republican congress members are running away into retirement faster than Trump from a military recruiting station. And yesterday we got this bit of good news to complete our, um, five-legged stool:
The campaign arm of House Democrats has posted its highest off-year August fundraising haul ever ($6.3 million), the group told NBC News.
While their Republican counterparts haven't yet released their August results, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) has outraised Republicans each of the three previous months---a result Democrats say bodes well for their prospects of winning the House in the 2018 midterm elections.
Overall, the DCCC has raised $72.46 million in 2017. And the committee touted its online fundraising, which it says has totaled $31.26 million for the year so far, including $2.4 million last month.
The Republican stool looks a bit different from ours. Its legs are made out of money, lies, fear, voter suppression, and race-based gerrymandering. Unfortunately for them, the guy sitting on it is an obese, golf-addicted white supremacist twitter fanatic whose favorables are stuck in the 30s and who spends his days porking out on steak, KFC, cake and ice cream. No wonder so many Republicans are retiring from the House---they don’t want to get hit by flying splinters when it all collapses.
JEERS to senatorial malpractice. Within the next 11 days, Republicans are going to take another whack at Fortress Obamacare with their Trumpcare battering ram. The “Graham-Cassidy amendment”---as in closet queen Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and evil M.D. Bill Cassidy---is the same old piece of crap, except a lot crappier than the previous “skinny crap” bill. The well-being of the American people is the last thing on their minds. Ripping health insurance from some 30+ million people---many of whom will die as a result---is a mere inconvenience to these monsters as they simultaneously “drown the government in the bathtub” and pad the pockets of their wealthy insurance-industry overlords. In case you’re not familiar with it…
Yesterday I called my Republican senator’s office to get a reading on which way she’s leaning.
Susan Collins isn’t saying much right now except that she’s “alarmed” that Medicaid and protections against pre-existing condition discrimination are on the chopping block. (Our other senator, independent Angus King, would throw the amendment in the shredder before the ink was dry.) I’ll call her again this morning, and every morning until this thing is either given the last rites or becomes a fresh midterm election zombie to sic on the GOP. I hope you’ll do the same if you have a Republican senator (no matter how nutty they are, they still pay attention to their phone traffic). Then take two aspirin. You’ll need ‘em.
CHEERS to a clean win against a messy business. Fair warning: I’m linking to a Fox Business web page. But there’s a good reason---namely, a rare chance to bask in the warm glow of early-morning schadenfreude. Imagine with me, if you will, the sound of their salty tears going splorp! into their morning cup of coal ash slurry when they read this:
Handing a major victory to environmentalists, a court cast doubt Friday on a longstanding U.S. government argument that blocking federal coal leasing won't affect climate change because the coal could simply be mined elsewhere.
Environmentalists have been trying for years to block federal coal leases on climate-change grounds with limited success. The ruling by the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals will require the U.S. Bureau of Land Management to provide more data to support its argument that coal makes no net contribution to climate change after it's burned in power plants. […]
"This is big. And we're certainly going to be wielding this and using it to confront other mining approvals both in the Powder River Basin and beyond," said Jeremy Nichols with WildEarth Guardians.
The Trumpies now running the BLM are stomping their oversized feet and hurling insults at the 10th Circuit Court. But the rank and file? Thrilled.
JEERS to pinwheels of evil. Oh joy---another hurricane is bullying its way through the Caribbean, and at this point no one knows where it’s gonna end up. Maria is now a cat-5 whopper. Here’s the latest cone of woe:
Definitely in its path: the U.S. Virgin Islands (today) and Puerto Rico (tomorrow---its first cat-5 direct hit since 1932). Meanwhile Jose will be causing mischief up here in New England, and right behind Maria is tropical depression Lee. But that one shouldn’t be a problem---crews will just throw it on a flatbed and move it to a museum.
CHEERS to seeing the forest for the pearly gates. The more enlightened Americans become, the more it dawns on us that the existence of God will never be anything other than a hope in our imaginations. We can memorize every religious text in every language on every continent and we can scour every corner of the universe, but the fact remains: until He or She or It actually shows up, we’re all agnostics down here on earth. But one thing is for certain: religious grifters, almost always of the conservative persuasion, use the fear of god to shake down their gullible flocks to pad their lavish lifestyles as they actively support politicians for whom punching down is a feature, not a bug. So this is welcome news as far as I---a lapsed Episcopalian---am concerned:
The percentage of white Christians in the United States has continued to decline below a majority, according to a new survey, amid increasing racial and ethnic diversity in the country and growing numbers of people who identify as religiously unaffiliated.
The survey released Wednesday by the Public Religion Research Institute (PRRI) found that just 43% of Americans now identify as white and Christian.
By comparison, 81% of Americans identified as white Christians in 1976. The report reinforces the findings of a 2015 survey by the Pew Research Center, which found that the number of white Christians in the U.S. had fallen to 46%.
But one number remains consistent, according to the Billy Institute of Religious Vittles: 100% of everybody in America agrees that Episcopalian pancake suppers are the best. If I’m lyin’, may God strike me down in a hail of sausage links. Or patties, I’m not picky.
JEERS to deep-sixing #20. On September 19, 1881, President James Garfield died, 80 days after some disgruntled jerk whipped out a couple guns and shot him in the back. True story: Alexander Graham Bell tried to locate the bullet using his new invention, the metal detector:
As the doctors struggled to understand the extent of Garfield's wounds, Bell, inventor of the telephone, used this machine to try to locate the bullet. When found, the machine was to send a sound to the attached telephone receiver.
Despite attempts on July 26 and August 1, 1881, Bell could not situate the bullet.
Turns out the steel springs in Garfield's bed rendered it useless. It's also unfortunate that his doctors weren't terribly familiar with the word "hygiene." Someday we'll be able to joke about it. But not today---after only 135 years, it’s too soon.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 19, 2007
CHEERS to Doc Clinton. I'm not saying it's the greatest thing since leeches came on the scene, but Senator Hillary's health care plan (and, to be fair, other candidates', too) has language that gives me warm fuzzies. Like this: "Coverage would continue despite job loss, major illness." And this: "No discrimination for pre-existing conditions." Europe and Canada are no doubt tittering as we wet our pants over these common-sense issues, to which we respond: Oh yeah? At least we're smart enough to put our cheese in individual plastic sleeves. (That oughtta shut 'em up.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to great minds thinking alike. Last week I wrote a quick item about the Miss America pageant that included this little ha-ha:
Cara Mund, by the way, became the first North Dakotan to win the pageant. I was impressed with her talent portion. I've never seen anyone grab an auger and drill a fracking well in a gown before. Well, except that one time, but it was late and I was drunk.
Ho ho, ha ha, so silly! Then, over the weekend, I discovered, quite by accident, that Stephen Colbert had made a similar joke four years ago this month:
"Controversy at the Miss America pageant. Miss North Dakota's talent was fracking."
Zoinks! Needless to say, this is awkward. I respect that Colbert is a gazillion times funnier and more talented than I am, but he still needs to apologize for proactively stealing in 2013 my joke from 2017. I’ll just sit here and wait until he does. Somebody please stop by every now and then to clear the cobwebs off my face. And feed the cat.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Trump Mentions ‘Kiddie Pool Man’ Bill in Portland Maine As White House Tries To Be Unified On Cheers and Jeers
---HuffPo
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