This will not sit well with some (many?) of you, and I’ve started to write this diary any number of times at this point (it’s my first and possibly my last), but after reading a diary earlier and it’s ridiculous counter diary, I feel the need to speak up.
I’m a 40 year old white male who has been in the entertainment industry for over 2 decades as well as other industries such as advertising, finance, retail (corporate), and others. I grew up (poor) overseas, in the midwest, the south, and on the east coast (army brat). I have privilege based on being white, male, and now being a bit well off.
I have been a feminist my entire life and I have and will heavily defend womens rights across the board.
I have never been raped, but I know many people who have, male and female — been either abused as children, date raped, or worse.
Personally I have been in numerous different situations filled with objectification and sexual in nature in all aspects of my life.
Let me continue with the following:
- I was pressured into my first experience when I was a very young teenager — my girlfriend was going to break up with me if I didn’t have sex with her. I had very little sense of self and was very insecure, and thus acquiesced.
- I was hit on countless times growing up in all different types of circumstances. I was extremely insecure as I mentioned, and at many points I felt uncomfortable with much of the overt signals/behavior.
- To get over my insecurity I became a model during my college years and moved to NYC. Then did a number of other things in the entertainment industry (no stripping/porn) while working a traditional job as well, and that’s what I’ve been doing for the last couple of decades.
- I’m fairly prudish even in my own relationships (I personally believe that some of this is probably because of #1). I don’t understand one-night stands, I only extremely rarely make or entertain jokes about sex (mostly with my wife), but I’m also extremely difficult to actually offend. I also accept that there are many people that are the antithesis of me sexually.
- I’m a data guy and very much need all data points I can access before making any sort of judgement call.
Here’s where I’m anticipating some hatemail:
The entertainment industry is an ENTIRELY different industry. If you haven’t been in it and aren’t familiar with it, it’s entirely reasonable that you will see things like Franken making a crude joke in a photograph and not be able to relate to it in any way shape or form as happening countless times a day. Here’s the truth: The entertainment industry is highly sexualized — to the point where in many verticals you are literally hired and fired based on your looks. It is an industry that is almost entirely based on treating you as an object and a lot of the content that is distributed is also heavily based on sex and objectification. And guess what? Consumers are 100% to additionally blame for that and whether or not you think it flows out of that industry into society or that industry is entirely that way because of society, I’m not here for that debate. I’m here to tell you that day in and day out you deal with people who are buying and selling personalities and bodies. They don’t give a shit about your feelings and when you’re dealing with sexualization on both sides all day long, the lines to cross are understandably different than in say...knitting (I love to knit, knitters, so I’m not picking on you).
Why am I saying this? It’s not to say that there aren’t tons of cases that are completely insane with dirtbags like Weinstein or Cosby or Goddard or Dick or Spacey or C.K. or going all the way back to Chaplin and further. What I am saying is what a lot of other good diaries have said, which is that context is important. And the lines that are even sometimes difficult to understand outside of the entertainment industry are absurdly difficult to understand inside of it and they just aren’t the same. Me being around someone touring, who is singing a completely sexualized album with dancers dressed in outfits highlighting said sexualization (and many themselves being highly sexual) is not me being in a normal office. Me being in rehearsal with a group of actors where the scene is how to hook up with as many people as possible is bound to bring up some raunchy unwelcome jokes, innuendo, and someone fake humping your face (and as I mentioned, I’m prudish, so I merely tolerate it because that is the environment). To bring this back to Franken — his picture with Tweeden doesn’t even rate on my scale knowing this environment. The scripted kiss that was written into the play years before doesn’t rate on my scale because it’s in countless scripts across the board and it doesn’t appear from any evidence that he took it any place other than what the script called for. Actually - the picture barely rates on my scale if I remove myself from that environment (kiss is obviously different) because of the countless sophomoric, terrible jokes and innuendo that I’ve heard in likely hundreds of differing circumstances from men...and women, which brings me to my 2nd point:
Women are EASILY as capable of playing grab-ass and hugging too long and misreading signals and saying sexual things and making people feel uncomfortable. I can “hands down” (yes, that’s a terrible pun that I’d normally groan at and certainly never tell, but fuck off this is my diary) say that it has happened to me *more* than I’ve seen it happen to the women around me. However, that does not mean it happens more in general — or that it hasn’t even happened to the women I’ve known more — it may not have been as visible. Having said that, I’ve still seen an enormous amount of (what I would call) inappropriate innuendo, misread signals, touchy-feely, etc. stuff come from women. And not just in clubs and bars — very much in even all of the workplaces I’ve been in, but again, especially prevalent in the entertainment industry. Is it different? I don’t know — is it? Was I ever afraid? No. I wasn’t afraid when I literally did lose an actual part and had a difficult time in a different situation because I refused fairly well known/powerful women. Why? Because I’m just simply going to say “no” and be me. Was I ever uncomfortable? Absolutely, but I’ve been uncomfortable with the countless absurdities of what people do. I’m mildly uncomfortable when my friend-girls or gay friend-males talk about some dude’s ass or chest. I’m mildly uncomfortable when my friend-males or gay friend-females talk about a women’s anatomy (I don’t like the “t” or “p” word).
Why is this important in this particular context? Because in LOTS of personal anecdotal situations (as an adult in actual real life), it really does come down to context. It comes down to males and females ogling each other’s body parts (including males to males and females to females) because we’re hard-wired biologically to dance the crazy relationship dance where signals are all over the place, all people are different, and there is discomfort all over the place. I’m uncomfortable continuously with the environment that I put myself in constantly because I just plain old don’t like sex jokes or being objectified, but I like the industry and what I specifically do. That’s been the case in all of the environments I’ve been in, but it’s especially prevalent in the entertainment industry. There’s a general social dance that produces an enormous amount of awkwardness and uncomfortableness where lines are all over the place depending on vast swaths of factors in these specific types of scenarios.
On to Franken specifics:
Tweedens accusations just don’t rate at all with me, and I completely discount them (even outside of the Roger Stone preemptive comments and Fox connections). I’m not saying that prostitutes can’t be raped, but I am saying that this type of behavior is absolutely part of the entertainment culture (from men and women), for better or worse. Had Franken actually groped her, that would be completely different. But a picture with jokey grabbing? I get worse comments from women almost monthly in the way of innuendo even outside of the entertainment industry, much less in it.
With respect to the two anonymous women, I just can’t put any credence based on what they anonymously said that hasn’t been verified. I’m not saying they are lying, but I’m also not saying that makes him an outright liar. If you believe them but don’t believe him, you’re just doing so based off of whatever bias you have formed, not based on anything factual.
To me, that leaves the remaining individual, Menz. This is the only scenario that I think currently warrants a deeper look into (unless the anonymous or other women step forward). In the picture, she definitely doesn’t look like she’s uncomfortable, although I can fake it easily as I’m sure many people can. I do know that if my wife just came over and told me that someone had done that, I wouldn’t post about it on Facebook (I’m not trying to victim blame here, although I expect a comment saying that’s what I’m doing in 3...2...1) I’d walk over to the asshole and confront him (because, well, it’s happened to my wife and I, and that’s how I reacted). On that note — what are the other scenarios that could explain it? For me, I have multiple people in my family and a few friends that will put their hand not around the waist, but put it on the outer part of the buttock (very different than cupping under the buttock, obviously). I’m personally hyper-cognizant of my surroundings, the people around me, and where my hands are at all times, but I also know plenty of people who aren’t, and it’s not a sexual thing for them, it’s just “them”. I don’t know if this was the case, but knowing some of my family and friends, I could easily see that being the case. Especially if you’re thinking about other things and just trying to get through the picture to get to the next picture or whatever (she mentioned they didn’t speak after the picture which leads me to believe he was just going through the motions and possibly had other things on his mind). Outside of that, I think we just need more data, and if there’s not any, then to me it’s an “outlier” and I would tend to discount it based on at least a dozen or more data points.
Postscript:
What am I not saying here?
- I’m not saying anything about ANY OTHER sexual assault case. I realize comments may reflect otherwise. This is entirely around Franken and the data we have and my own experiences.
- I’m not saying that it is not a male dominated world or that men are infinitely more likely to sexually harass women (catcall, etc).
- I’m not saying that from a physical standpoint, women aren’t much more likely to be afraid of men as a whole because statistically men are far more likely to sexually assault women (violently or otherwise) than vice versa.
- I’m not saying that Franken didn’t inappropriately touch Menz or the two anonymous women. I am reserving any judgement until there is more evidence or additional behavioral data points.
- Based on #3, I’m not saying that (s)he said/(s)he said doesn’t mean someone is lying, and I appreciate that is part of the issue with believing accusers. The data just doesn’t fit here for that to hold heavy weight with me personally.
- I’m not a Dem apologist, and if Franken were an (R) or a regular person or a fucking goat with crazy eyes, I would approach the situation the same.
- I’m not a rape apologist, but if you are equating the accusations against him to those against Roy Moore or Weinstein, then see #1 below.
What am I saying here?
- Stop fucking equating him to Roy Moore or Weinstein. It’s just not the same and imo, any adult with any sense of reason understands this based on a variety of things.
- If you aren’t familiar with the entertainment industry, you absolutely cannot compare it to whatever industry you are in as much as you want to. It is just not the same.
- Just as accusers deserve to be heard and respected, so do the accused, on a case by case basis.
- Be smarter than jumping to conclusions and actually dissect situations and look at the data patterns and evidence at hand.
- All Context Matters.
Hope y’all had a Happy Thanksgiving if you’re in the US or a plain ‘ol awesome thankful day if you’re not.