Ten years ago I met a man who seemed sensitive and respectful. We dated, I met his family, he met some of mine, and he started talking about a future with me in it. I trusted him. I nervously told him during a very candid discussion on sex after our first date that it would be a while before I could be intimate, and I understood if he didn't want to wait. He said he would. About three months later we had a second conversation during which I said that I was ready to explore, but I was not ready for penetration. The second time I dared to remove my clothing in his presence he decided it was just fine to do the thing I had specifically told him I did not want to do yet. It was over before I could do much more than yelp in shock, but the damage was done. I asked him why, since he behaved as though he was sorry for having done it. His answer: "I just wanted it so bad and I had waited for so long...” was the only explanation he could give.
I told a friend almost immediately afterward and she scoffed at my angry account. She told me three months was a long time to date someone without having sex, and that I couldn't expect the boundaries I set before I took off my clothes to be binding once I was naked. Did you tell him "no" when he did it? I had not, because we had already discussed it and I was taken by surprise, then he was done by the time I found my voice. This woman was date raped at 16 by a boy her age. Her assessment was not based on a lack of personal experience with sexual assault. Her reaction made me question my own.
I thought what so many women and children do, that I was being unreasonable, it was my fault for putting myself in that position, and that I would be condemned instead of him if I reported it. Too many people would see things the way she did. I blamed my ill feelings toward him on other things and broke up with him. I pushed back all the hurt, anger, and resentment and locked it in a dark corner of my mind I have not had a serious relationship since then, because, I later realized, I can't trust anyone, or myself, enough to get that far.
His inability to respect the boundaries I set cost me dearly, but it was not until this year when I finally confided in someone else that his actions were labeled what they were, rape. It was not until that word was used that I began to undo the damage. The worst part is that my ex friend’s assessment ten years ago was perfectly credible in this society. For too many women the word rape is never applied to their horror story because our current standard for consent puts women in a defensive, reactionary position. "No means no" assumes that a woman or girl has consented unless she affirmatively fights, through words or unambiguous deeds, unwanted sexual contact. In other words, she must make him stop by saying no, rather than he can't start until she says yes. It means that a man gets to initiate contact before he knows if it is wanted, or not, then the burden falls on the woman to clearly object. If she does not, for whatever reason, then he has committed no wrong no matter how she felt about his actions at the time. Thus, "you didn't say anything" is an iron clad defense unless a woman is attacked by a complete stranger.
Add to that fire the following fuel. First, we teach our girls that a male's uncontrollable sexual desire for her is “passion,” and if he just "can't stop" himself because he “has to have” her she should be flattered. It shows how powerful his "love" is. A man struggling to control his lust, one who wants to rip a woman's clothes off and "take her” right there is the stuff of romance novels in our testosterone driven, hyper masculine culture. We normalize and rebrand sexual aggression toward a known female as a good thing, which does nothing but make it more likely a man will cross what should be a bright yellow line between consensual sex and rape.
Second, people believe that when someone is attacked they have one of two responses, fight or flight. That translates to women are expected to kick, scream, squirm, or run when they are exposed to unwanted sexual contact or attention. The conclusion, as mentioned above, is that if the victim doesn't try to get away or injure their attacker then it must have been consensual. Though fight or flight are real responses to an attack, they are not the only ones, and we do not have to look far to find the others.
Turn on animal planet and watch any show about large land predators and you will quickly identify the most common initial response of most prey animals. They freeze. Humans may be at the top of the food chain now, but we started out as prey and we still carry that instinct with us. Watch any show about pack animals and you will see another common response to physical threat. A weaker animal that finds itself the target of a bigger and/or stronger animal submits as a survival mechanism. Humans are a consummate social pack animal.
So it should surprise no one that a woman or child faced with a stronger, sexually aggressive man bent on having his way with their body is just as likely to freeze or submit, hoping to avoid injury, as fight him off or manage to flee. Predators take advantage of that by using false pretenses and ambushes to set the victim up to not actively resist out of fear or shock. Thus the current standard of assuming consent unless a woman tries to stops him allows men to get away with behavior that is emotionally toxic and physically harmful by pretending their actions were not forced or coerced simply because either the victim had the "wrong" reaction, or the assailant didn't ask the victim what she wanted before he started his assault.
It is time to move to a standard that doesn't put victims in the position of being a victim. The burden rightfully belongs on the person initiating sexual contact to obtain consent beforehand instead of on the person who is assaulted to resist after the fact. The standard should be “it is no until you hear yes.” Further, "consent" obtained through bullying or coercion doesn't count. In other words, "talking her into it” will not suffice as a defense.
There is a yellow line between consensual sex and sexual assault, we are blind to that reality only because we have such a warped view of the right of a woman to have exclusive dominion over her own body that we create gray areas where there are none. We advocate "no means no,” despite requiring affirmative consent in almost every other interpersonal situation with significant legal, personal, and/or social ramifications. You can't be bound to a contract unless you sign it or verbally assent to the terms, you aren't deemed to have consented to a medical procedure until you sign the informed consent form. There is no reason to vary when the consequences of sexual assault are high, and could include an unwanted pregnancy that 30% of the population believes the raped woman should be forced to carry to term.
It is time for the next stage of recognizing the full autonomy of the female body from male control, affirmative consent to sex. We must do for our daughters what our mothers and grandmothers did for us in getting Title IX passed, Roe decided in our favor, date rape recognized as wrong, and sex with drunk or unconscious women rightfully labeled as rape. "No means no” was the first step on this path, the necessary initial recognition that man does not have an absolute right to woman's body. Now it is time to say he has no right at all unless she explicitly allows it.
Our sons need to be taught that they do not get to pretend they have permission when they do not. It is her body, and they have no right to do anything to it she has not agreed to for any reason whatsoever. Least of all because they can't control themselves. It's no until you hear yes. Then there will be no confusion or room for "misunderstandings” that leave the woman feeling like she was raped but unable to call what was done to her by that name. If men want to have sex, there are women who will voluntarily oblige. If they want to leer at naked women there are plenty of strip clubs out there for that purpose. There is simply no excuse to subject another person to unwanted sexual contact. Ever.