Hispanic Federation Fund for Puerto Rico Relief Link
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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
On the Other Hand…
Republicans would like to take this moment to remind you that there are all kinds of good things that are contained in their tax bill. Here’s a small sample directly from the list they provided me this morning via their brand-new telex machine:
» The per-inhale breathing tax for those earning $75,000 or less will no longer happen all at once---it’ll be phased in.
» If you like your personal offshore tax haven accountant, you can keep your personal offshore tax haven accountant.
» By no longer being able to afford a four-year college degree, young people are now free to leisurely travel the world by taking a gap half-decade.
» Our plan gets two thumbs up from Jesus! (Authenticity verification: Jim Bakker.)
» The maximum age by which you must donate a kidney to anyone making over $1 million per year has been upped from 40 to 45. This will give you time for more bake sales as you raise the requisite amount of cash needed for your operation.
» Republicans now get a $1,000 tax credit for voting. That may sound like it’s unfair to Democrats, but Mulvaney ran the numbers and it’s totally not! He ran the numbers, man!
» You like pizza? You really, really like pizza? Like, your mouth is watering because you could just sink your teeth into a succulent pizza right now? Well guess what? We’re sending you a tax-free coupon for a free cheese pizza. (Note: Each topping you add is subject to the new $100 topping tax. But the cheese is on us, America. This time.)
» In order to compensate for revenue losses due to repeal of the estate tax, the height of the taxpayer-funded statue of the Koch brothers on the National Mall will be capped at 350 feet instead of 400. Also: their balls will no longer be giant suspended orbs of solid gold, but rather a pair of Hippity-Hops covered in gold leaf.
» Okay, okay, you twisted our arm. We’ll give you one tax-free pizza topping. But then you gotta give us the yachts-with-helipads exemption. Damn, you people drive a hard bargain.
» And to show that this was a bipartisan effort, we included Sen. McCaskill’s idea to make up for our cuts to Medicare by having a fairy drop $300 billion onto the Senate. Hard as it is to admit, sometimes great ideas really do come from the other side of the aisle.
I mean, what’s not to like?
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 4, 2017
Note: If you have a gun, leave a gun. If you need a gun, please go away.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the special senate election in Alabama: 8
Days 'til the Brooklyn International Photography Festival: 12
Amount by which Trump plans to reduce the size of Bears Ears National Monument in Utah this week: 85%
Percent by which alcohol sales dropped in states that legalized medical marijuana, according to researchers at the University of Connecticut and Georgia State University: 15%
Value of the one-of-a-kind Wu-Tang Clan album purchased by Martin Shkreli that prosecutors say the “pharma bro” should forfeit in the wake of his conviction for securities fraud: $2 million
Percent of non-Christians who say they celebrate Christmas, according to Pew research: 87%
Year our conservative ancestors, the Puritans, banned Christmas in Boston: 1647
Totally Random NFL Score
New England Patriots 23 Buffalo Billehs 3
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Quorum call…
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CHEERS to the explosive political analogy of the day. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start. Ever since Mike “Lock Her Up” Flynn pleaded guilty last week and turned into prosecutor Robert Mueller’s #1 squealer, a crap-ton of incriminating developments have come to light in his investigation, including one yuge unforced error: Trump admitted on twitter Saturday that he committed obstruction of justice. It now seems like just a matter of time before his administration collapses in a heap of rubble. Kinda like the waiting we’re doing in the wake of what happened yesterday in Pontiac, Michigan:
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In both Trump’s and the Silverdome’s cases: God help anyone who’s inside when it all goes down.
JEERS to the saddest palindrome of the week:
1771
In a new CBS News poll, only 17 percent of likely Republican voters in Alabama believe the (underage) sexual abuse charges levied by nine women against Roy Moore, nor the mall’s security team and the directorship of a local YMCA that banned Moore from their premises because of his wandering pecker, nor the unanimous condemnation of Moore by every sitting Republican U.S. senator including Alabama’s senior senator. In fact, a whopping 71 percent of GOP Alabamans think it’s all a Democratic plot. Wow---if only Democrats could pull that kind of Jedi mind trick on the tax bill.
JEERS to calling foul on your own team. File this under “Nobody could’ve predicted.” Maine Secretary of State Matt Dunlap is a smart, calm, rational, nerdy bureaucrat in the best sense of the word, and earlier this year he was appointed to Trump’s sham “Voter integrity commission” because they thought he would jump ship when they started excluding him from everything. Well, they were wrong. Turns out Dunlap takes his role as “watchdog over the watchdogs” seriously. So when co-chairs Mike Pence and Kris Kobach started withholding information, Dunlap went to court…and then penned an op-ed in The Portland Press Herald to let the world know what was going on:
The commission was formed in May to answer monster-under-the-bed questions about “voter fraud,” but the implicit rationale for its creation appears to be to substantiate President Donald Trump’s unfounded claims that up to 5 million people voted illegally in 2016.
Chaired by Vice President Mike Pence, the commission has the chance to answer questions about potential fraud and to highlight best practices to enhance voter confidence in our election systems. Yet it isn’t doing that. Instead, the commission is cloaking itself in secrecy, completely contrary to federal law.
Recommendations for changes in public policy---whether you agree with them or not---ought to come through an open, public discussion where any American can weigh in.
Who would’ve guessed that a sham commission would use subversive tactics to suppress voting rights under the guise of exposing voter fraud. “Ha ha, did not see that coming,” said Rip van Winkle who just woke up five seconds ago and no one else.
CHEERS to new discoveries. On this date in 1996---ah, those golden Clinton years---during its Pathfinder mission NASA sent a six-wheeled rover called Sojourner to roam the surface of another planet and gather rocks. Moments after landing, the space agency got a call from Newt Gingrich asking them to please come get it off his head.
CHEERS to fresh space opera!!! Lucasfilm dropped another Star Wars Episode VIII trailer yesterday, and my favorite new character in the galaxy far, far away---the porg---gets a squee-worthy moment:
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10 days and counting. Assuming somebody can keep Lord Dampnut’s fingers on his Bic Macs instead of the fucking nuke button for that long.
CHEERS to going in circles. On December 4th, 1877, Thomas Edison invented the phonograph in Menlo Park, New Jersey. I love downloading music, but I do miss vinyl. It had character. (Said the sad, bitter old Maine blogger to whomever he'd just drunk-dialed on his rotary phone.)
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 4, 2007
CHEERS to happy endings. Last Friday a Muslim terrorist dressed like a white guy in a suit rumored to be hired by Barack Obama and allegedly smuggled into the United States from the Illinois Senator's secret Indonesian Madrassa, tried to blow up a Clinton campaign office in New Hampshire. The Senator from New York immediately flew to the site and, holding up a garbage can lid as a shield,entered the building and incapacitated the man while simultaneously disarming the explosive device. Obama, rumored to be incensed, allegedly flew into a rage and vowed to bring the west to its knees. He's now believed to be working on a nuclear bomb in his basement. Naturally he denies everything, but isn’t that what radical Muslim terrorists posing as Christian politicians do? Details on page 1 of today's New York Times, I bet.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to eggsasperation. Oviously, I thought my partner Michael was just yoking yesterday hen he eggsed me what's the difference between white eggs and brown eggs? Scrambling for an answer, I drove my coop to Egg Land, where all the king's horses and all the king's men eggsplained:
The short answer is "none".
Generally speaking, hens with white feathers (such as White Leghorns) lay white eggs and hens with reddish brown feathers (such as Rhode Island Reds) lay brown eggs. Shell color has little relationship to egg quality, flavor, nutritive value, cooking characteristics or shell strength. The color of brown eggs is a natural pigment placed by the hen on the surface of the shell during the final stages of egg formation. From the inside, the shell appears white.
I later confirmed the above with a gang of poachers. So now you know why brown and white eggs eggsist. But that's enough knowledge for today. Frankly, I've had un oeuf.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Addicted to Cheers and Jeers? It could throw off your brain chemistry.
---Live Science
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