My mother always called today Little Christmas.
I’m not sure why. “Little Christmas” is the Irish term for Epiphany, also known as Three Kings Day, Old Christmas, Dia de Reyes, Bogoyavlenie, Driekoningen, Timkat, Twelfth Night, and many, many, many other things. It’s the day Christians commemorate the visit of the Magi to baby Jesus, where they presented him with expensive gifts laden with death symbolism (ever so appropriate for a baby, no?), with a variety of regional traditions that range from the quaint to the terrifying:
- Puerto Ricans leave hay under the bed for the Magi’s camels.
- Bulgarians play bagpipes, fling a wooden cross into the nearest river, then send their young men out to dance in the icy waters before retrieving the cross. Greeks do something similar, only without quite so many bagpipes.
- Children in many European countries go a-caroling in exchange for sweets and coins.
- Finns make wishes on special spice cookies, which they crush in their hands to divine the future from the crumbs (yes, really, this is what they do, and if any Finn out there can tell me why, I’d be obliged).
- Ethiopean priests bless the local wells and other water sources, then process about with the sacred Tabot, or replica of the tablets of the Ten Commandments, on their heads.
- French families eat special cakes, many of which contain small porcelain figures of Baby Jesus just perfect for cracking a molar on if diners aren’t careful.
- Irishwomen consider this their Christmas and go out for dinner with their friends, preferably to pubs where all the kitchen staff and waitrons are male so they can do the dirty work for a change.
- Welsh and English traditions center around mummer’s plays, drinking as much wassail as possible, attempting to Morris dance while shaking off the effects of all that wassail, watering orchards with cider to ensure a good crop, capturing and/or clubbing wrens to death and then going door to door demanding money to “see the King of the Birds,” and bawling out a variety of traditional carols and songs that all sound alike after too much wassail.
All of which is very interesting from a folklorist’s perspective, and not one bit of which my mother actually did. Nor did she and her siblings go door to door entertaining the neighbors and marking their doors with chalk to ask for a blessing on the house, as good little German Sternsinger do in the old country. Mum didn’t even bake a Three King’s Cake, gingerbread, cookies, or any other traditional German treat.
No, the only thing Mum, Dad, and I did for Little Christmas to mark it out from any other January day was exchange small gifts (usually books), and we only did that among ourselves. I don’t recall us doing anything with my mother’s siblings, even though my aunt Betty would have loved getting more presents two weeks after the annual orgy of ripped paper, discarded ribbons, and too many boxes that always ended with her managing to skive off helping with the dinner dishes again. This was for the three of us and the three of us only, after which we’d take down the Christmas decorations and hunker down for the rest of the winter.
I no longer celebrate Little Christmas; not only would none of my friends understand, I haven’t put up a tree since the late, great Malfoy-the-cat was a rambunctious and highly destructive kitten, so there’s not much to clean up and put away. I do, however, have a gift for all of you, my faithful companions on these weekly journeys into the heart of Badbookistan: the first quarter schedule for 2018!
Before everyone gets excited and starts shrieking and jumping up and down clapping their little pitty paws together, there are a few things you need to know:
1. My choir is singing in two concerts this quarter, so I will need substitutes for those weeks lest I be forced to post old Jim Doney’s Adventure Road videos on YouTube instead of actual diaries.
2. I will be attending a medieval dress and textile conference in March, so will need a substitute for that week lest I be forced to post St. Patrick’s themed videos instead of an actual diary.
3. I might be taking April and May off to finish my paper for Kalamazoo this year. If that happens I’ll be sure to let everyone know by mid-February.
4. There is no number four.
So! All that being said, here is the lineup for the first quarter of 2018:
January 13 — Seven Women + Thirty-Five Feet of Hair = Profit!
January 20 — The Star-Spangled Golem v. the Alt Right
January 27 — Libertarian House on the Prairie
February 3 — Film Critics Cannot Dance; or, The Saga of Myra Breckenridge
February 10 — Concert, SUBSTITUTE NEEDED
February 17 — The Sparks of Romance
February 24 — My Immortal Tells All!
March 3 — Your Favorite is Problematic
March 10 — Erin Go Yuck
March 17 — Conference, SUBSTITUTE NEEDED
March 24 — Concert, SUBSTITUTE NEEDED
March 31 — Carrie Goes to Broadway
As usual, this list is subject to change depending on the phase of the moon, the GTPOD’s mating season, the sudden appearance of an advance copy of Avengers: Infinity War in my mailbox (hint, hint), the end of the world as we know it, kaiju boiling up from the depths of Mount Tom to destroy the Pioneer Valley, illness, etc., etc. Post no bills. Jackets required. Management not responsible for injuries incurred, mental or physical. All dogs must be leashed, all cats neatly boxed in carriers. No shirt, no shoes, no service. Dig it.
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