Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address will bring with it many temptations to drink. So many temptations. This is a challenge for the traditional SOTU drinking game, because when Trump does something, he tends to do it—as he would say—like, a lot. The man is a real model of the “why say a thing once when you can say it five times” style of communication. And while a certain level of drunkenness is likely an advantage for watching this speech (something you really don’t have to do, by the way!), we don’t want any deaths.
With that in mind, let’s lay out some DON’Ts for the SOTU drinking game:
- Do not drink every time Trump lies.
- Do not drink every time Trump praises himself.
- Do not drink every time Republicans give Trump a standing ovation and Mike Pence wipes a worshipful tear from his eye.
- Do not drink every time Trump says “believe me.”
You may be able to drink every time the following happen—with caveats:
- Drink every time the Republican side applauds something that quite possibly could constitute a crime. (Caveat: If Trump uses the word collusion, you’re going to need to put on the brakes within a couple minutes.)
- Drink every time Trump goes off teleprompter. (Caveat: If Trump becomes enraged by Democrats not applauding and just totally loses it, knock this off your drinking game.)
- Drink when Trump mentions his family and puts that special, creepy emphasis on the “k” in Ivanka. (Caveat: You may be nauseated so wait until the urge to vomit dies down before pounding a shot.)
BONUS ROUND:
We know that Trump will be obsessed with how many people watched his SOTU. He won’t care how many of them watched to see what a train wreck it would be, he just cares about getting a big number. Therefore, households that participate in the Nielsen ratings will have unusual power over Trump’s mood on Wednesday morning. If Nielsen tracks your viewing and you do not watch Trump’s SOTU—at least on your own television that will count toward the ratings—send me proof and I will buy you a drink. Same goes if you can convince a Nielsen household to leave the TV off (or watch some Netflix or televised poker or any other damn thing). Let’s keep those ratings low and make Trump lose it. Please, force me to crowdfund the number of drinks I owe people.