Hispanic Federation Fund for Puerto Rico Relief Link
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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: State of the Blah Blah Blah Edition
“Last night was President Trump's first State of the Union address. Some people watched it on NBC, some people watched it on CNN, while most people watched it on mute.”
---Jimmy Fallon
“Rumor had it this would be an optimistic, glass-is-half-full-type speech, and it was. Assuming that glass is half full of cyanide and I get to drink it.”
---Samantha Bee
“[Trump said]: ‘If there is a mountain, we climb it. If there is a frontier, we cross it. If there is a challenge, we tame it. If there is an opportunity, we seize it.’ And if there's a burger, we eat it. If there's an immigrant, we deport it. If there's an investigation, we undermine it.”
---Stephen Colbert
“To call Devin Nunes Donald Trump’s lapdog would be an insult to dogs and laps. He’s more of a retriever: here boy, go write me a memo to smear the FBI.”
---Jimmy Kimmel
“More news of corruption in the Trump administration. The director for the Centers for Disease Control, which overseas regulation of cigarettes, resigned on Wednesday after it was revealed that she owns stock in a tobacco company. When reporters asked her why she thought it was OK to use her position for financial gain, she replied that she knows it's bad, she's just really trying to quit, she only does it a couple of times a day.”
---James Corden
"Back in my day, we didn't use Russians to rig our elections. We used the Supreme Court like Americans!"
---Will Ferrell as George W. Bush on SNL
Come on down and splash in the kiddie pool. We replaced the water with Folgers Crystals. Bet ya can’t tell the difference! Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 2, 2018
Note: There will be no C&J Monday. To suggest that it's because I plan to get schnockered while watching the Super Bowl is completely untrue. I plan to get schnockered during the Puppy Bowl. Back Tuesday with no memory of Sunday.
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Days 'til the midterm elections: 278
Days 'til the Street Eats Food Truck Festival in Scottsdale: 8
Number of words spoken by Trump during his 120-minute State of the Union address, and by Bill Clinton during his 118-minute 1999 address: 5,166 / 7,514
Number of active licenses for marijuana businesses in the U.S.: 9,397
Number of people who spent time at a Maine Airbnb location in 2016 and 2017, respectively: 51,000 / 75,000
Percent chance that any U.S. representative other than your own gives a shit what you think when you call or write them, according to the Indivisible Guide: 0%
Odds of a fatal terror attack in the U.S. by a refugee, according to PolitiFact: 3.6 billion-to-1
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Cool!
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JEERS to Memo Day. Here’s the official verdict on Congressman Devin Nunes’s 4-page bombshell that was supposed to bring down the American system of justice and replace it with...um...Russia, I guess:
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Or, as Kossack Mark Sumner calls it, “as big a dud as everyone predicted.” And the icing on the cake: Senator John McCain went 99.99999 percent of the way to calling Nunes and Trump outright traitors. Earlier today I hoofed it over to horoscope.com to check Nunes’ horoscope (he’s a Libra), and found this: “There’s a powerful boost behind your actions, so be careful where you aim your weapons.” Judging by the smoldering craters where his feet used to be, I’d say he didn’t read it.
P.S. From former Congressman John Dingell...
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CHEERS to our first six decades of “Gee whiz!” One of our ‘who won the week’ poll candidates tonight is the American space program, which is celebrating the 60th anniversary of the day in 1958 when it launched our first satellite, the Explorer 1. The project was headed up by the U.S. Army---NASA wouldn’t officially become an entity until six months later---and its first official discovery was confirmation of the existence of the Van Allen radiation belts (which scientists had previously always assumed were suspenders). Explorer 1 circled the globe 58,000 times before burning up just three months before Armstrong and Aldrin took their lunar tiptoe through the tulips. According to NASA, the best is yet to come…
Oh, and speaking of space, there’s a chunk of rock the size of a skyscraper that’s headed in our direction for a close encounter this Sunday. Scientists call it a meteor. Sports analysts call it the only thing that can stop the Patriots.
CHEERS to #1. On Sunday’s date in 1789, George Washington---whom today's right-wingers would despise because he preferred bowing to shaking hands---clinched the presidency with 69 electoral votes. Upon hearing the news, he said his feelings were "...not unlike those of a culprit who is going to the place of his execution." His first official act: providing all Americans equal access to quality mattresses at low, low discount prices, a February tradition that lives on to this day.
CHEERS to furry fortunetellers. If today felt like yesterday, Surprise! It's Groundhog Day. Let's take a spin and find out how the rodents did this morning:
Shubenacadie Sam (Nova Scotia): Early spring!
General Beauregard Lee (Lilburn, GA): Six more weeks of winter
Staten Island Chuck: Early spring!
Wiarton Willie (Ontario): Six more weeks of winter
Dunkirk Dave (Dunkirk, NY): Early spring!
Punxsutawney Phil: At Gobblers Knob, PA, the "official" groundhog predicts six more weeks of winter.
Shubenacadie Sam (Nova Scotia): Early spring!
“Pykh” (Yekaterinburg, Russia): Early spring!
Buckeye Chuck (Marion, OH): Six more weeks of winter
“Jimmy” (Sun Prairie, Wisconsin): Six more weeks of winter
Fred la marmotte (Quebec): Early spring!
Final verdict: the majority says early spring! (Disclaimer: only if Trump doesn’t cause an early nuclear winter first.)
CHEERS to bold leadership. Seventy years ago today, in 1948, President Harry Truman made baby Donald Trump cry by urging Congress to adopt recommendations by a presidential commission on civil rights. It's almost breathtaking in scope. He ended his message to Congress with this, a statement that resonates just as loudly today:
[W]e must protect our civil rights so that by providing all our people with the maximum enjoyment of personal freedom and personal opportunity we shall be a stronger nation---stronger in our leadership, stronger in our moral position, stronger in the deeper satisfactions of a united citizenry.
We know that our democracy is not perfect. But we do know that it offers freer, happier life to our people than any totalitarian nation has ever offered.
If we wish to inspire the peoples of the world whose freedom is in jeopardy, if we wish to restore hope to those who have already lost their civil liberties, if we wish to fulfill the promise that is ours, we must correct the remaining imperfections in our practice of democracy.
We know the way. We only need the will.
Oh...did I mention he's a Democrat?
CHEERS to home vegetation. In addition to the Concussion Bowl (more on that below), here's some stuff on TV this weekend:
On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher’s lineup is rather stomach-churning this week: David Frum, Donna Brazile & Anthony Scaramucci. (But at least diplomat Richard Haass might add something interesting.) New home video releases include Richard Linklater’s Last Flag Flying (with Steve Carrell, Bryan Cranston, Lawrence Fishburne) and a special 40th anniversary Blu-Ray release of the 1978 classic Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. The basketball schedule is here and the hockey schedule is here. Natalie Portman hosts SNL, with musical guest Oh Look Another Artist I’ve Never Heard Of. And if you want all the excitement of football action without all those pesky concussions, you can tune in to Puppy Bowl XIV Sunday at 3ET on Animal Planet.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Fmr. CIA director John Brennan; Reince Priebus; Bryant Gumbel; WaPost’s Eugene Robinson.
This Week: Reps. Adam Schiff (D-CA) and Will Hurd (R-TX); Roland Martin, Anthony Scaramucci.
Face the Nation: Fmr. CIA directors Leon Panetta and Michael Morrell; Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) on his future plans to open a hair salon when he leaves Congress; NIH’s Dr. Anthony Fauci; author Steve Coll.
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Reps Jim Hines (D-CT) and Brad Wenstrup (R-OH).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Fmr. CIA director Leon Panetta; Reps. Eric Swalwell (D-CA) & Chris Stewart (R-UT). Wait...one Republican and two Democrats? WHAT’S HAPPENING??!!!
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 2, 2008
CHEERS to bowing out gracefully. John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani both suspended their 2008 presidential campaigns, leaving some to lament the exit of a true progressive (Edwards), and others wondering who the hell that nutty space alien was who obsessed about the numbers nine and eleven. But C&J didn’t fail to notice that they both made their decisions mere hours apart. Which can only mean one thing: they're up to something.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Roman numeral abuse, Version XVIIIIIVIXIIIIIIIVIIII. Not many people know this, but I've predicted every single Super Bowl winner since I was knee-high to Howard Cosell. Last year, for example, I picked the Atlanta Falcons over the other team by 13, and although I haven't checked yet, my gut tells me I was spot-on. Over the decades people have asked, re-asked, begged, pleaded and prayed that I would reveal the secret to my success. And seeing as my heart grew three sizes today (memo to self: schedule appointment with cardiologist), I'm prepared to give you a little peak behind my faux-pigskin prognostication curtain. Here's how I do it:
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As you can plainly see, my 2018 prediction is ridiculously easy: the Atlanta Falcons again by 13, of course. Oh, and in order to make life easier for the nation's water-management teams, everybody please remember to flush at exactly 7:29:59. Thanks for your cooperation and bwoo-ha-ha.
Have a super weekend. Floor's open...What are youcheering and jeering about today?
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