Hispanic Federation Fund for Puerto Rico Relief Link
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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Every American Must Watch This
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America just did something really, really, really, really freaking cool before Trump had a chance to ruin it.
Wow. I needed that. That’s one small step for humans, one giant clutch-pop for humankind.
Livestream here.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Note: The National Pathogen Safety Commission reminds the germ community to always wash your tentacles and feelers with a pro-bacteria non-sanitizer after coming in contact with a human. It's the law!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the government runs out of money: 1
Days 'til the Orlando Chili Cookoff: 10
Number of Republican House committee chairs so far who are leaving Congress at the end of this session: 9
Percent of Republicans earning more than $75K and less than $40k, respectively, who say that the government helps the poor too much: 42%, 23%
Percent of Democrats who believe the government should help the middle class more: 70%
Percent chance that the hills are alive with the sound of music, according to the Von Trapp Institute for Paranormal Alpine Studies: 100%
Percent chance that Trump is “a bully who, if elected, will abuse the Constitution” according to EPA director Scott Pruitt in 2016 and after he backtracked on the comment last week, respectively: 100%, 0%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 3 occults and 1 Pat Robertson MIRACLE). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Isn’t that supposed to be a camel’s nose?
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CHEERS to the graph of the week. Daily Kos Elections contributing editor Daniel Donner shows just how much fun playing with statistics can be. But on a serious level, this shows you just how nasty things are looking for the noble opposition---you know, the crazy, fucked-up Putin bootlickers---in the House ahead of their November 6 shellacking:
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Republicans look at that line and see a disaster. Democrats look at it and see a great big ol’ smile.
CHEERS (I guess) to the new money man on the block. As Janet Yellen skitters over to her new cushy job counting beans at the Brookings Institute (just like her predecessor Ben Bernanke, and his predecessor Alan Greenspan…boy, they must have a really swell cafeteria over there), 65-year-old Republican Jerome Powell was sworn in this week as the chairman of the Federal Reserve. After taking a ceremonial dip in the basement swimming pool filled with Franklins and partaking in the ceremonial breaking of a hundred million dollar bill ("99 million singles, please, and the rest in quarters"), he got down to business. Rolling around in money, mostly.
P.S. For those of you keeping score, that’s 15 white male Fed chairs, one white female fed chair, and zero Fed chairs of color. Our “more perfect union” still has a lot more more-perfecting to do.
JEERS to today’s linguistic obituary. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, folks, but a cherished American institution ceased to exist this week. Sixty-two years after the opening of the first one---Southdale Center in Edina, Minnesota---the mall is no more. (To show our respects, we’ll lower our marijuana-leaf flag we got at Spencer’s Gifts and spend the day playing LPs we snatched up at Camelot Music in the 1980s, aka the last time we went to a mall.) But be not sad! Now you can spend hours wandering around its exciting new replacement, which just happens to be located exactly where all the malls are now, and will just happen to basically be the same thing but now with a hot new name: the consumer engagement space! Awesome! Oh, and before I forget: Roy Moore, you’ll be banned from these, too, so don’t even think about bridling up Sassy and making a trip into town.
And now over to the weather desk…
Now back to the news desk...
CHEERS to construer constriction. On February 7, 1795 the Eleventh Amendment to the United States Constitution was ratified. It says:
"The judicial power of the United States shall not be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by citizens of another State, or by citizens or subjects of any foreign state."
Sadly, they failed to include "or by aliens from another planet," leading to the unexpected annexation of Minnesota by the Emperor Glarb of the Xxxxorpp Nebula. Whoops! (But I have to admit Amy Klobuchar looks regal in her token-viceroy sash.)
JEERS to being a little too perfect. A Tokyo coffee shop has unveiled the first robot barista. “Sawyer” boasts out loud that it can make a coffee or latte “better than human beings around here.” The café’s operator says robots “can increase productivity while also entertaining customers.” Entertaining the baristas Sawyer just put out of work? Not so much.
CHEERS to repetition that repeats itself. On this date in 1893, the "telautograph" was patented, which automatically added signatures to documents. Don Rumsfeld infamously made great use of it when expressing his condolences to families of soldier skilled in Iraq, thus allowing him to fit in a couple extra games of squash every week. Efficient? Gosh, yes. Heartless? Goodness gracious, of course!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 7, 2008
JEERS to America's achin' 401(k)'s. File this under "Don’t jump!" The Dow Industrials lost nearly 400 points yesterday, which means somebody took a bunch of money away from you, doused it in gasoline, lit a match, and turned months and months of hard work to ashes. Somebody remind me again: why didn't we turn Social Security over to Wall Street?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to historic moments in getting busted for doing something naughty with your hand. Eight hilarious years ago, while bamboozling a rapt Tea Party audience in Nashville at the height of the movement's ascendancy, former everything Sarah Palin got caught for the most juvenile of transgressions: writing cheat notes on her hand:
Energy. Budget Tax cuts. Lift American spirits. So complex were those concepts that she had to write them down. On her hand. Six words. And even then she made a mistake. Y'know, we don’t say this to our right-wing friends nearly enough: thank you for your healing gift of laughter.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Bill in Portland Maine is selling sweet-tasting candy with poison in it”
---Van Jones
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