I won’t go into messy details. But when someone avoids having their picture taken, there’s probably a reason. This is only a tiny part of my #MeToo story, but I’m posting it to raise awareness and to help out others who might be in the same situation.
I married an intelligent, charming, nice, polite man with a stable, skilled job and a large extended family with no visible signs of strain. Because I’m the cautious type, I insisted on premarital counseling, and guess what? I was given the go-ahead by the experts.
That changed when we got back from our honeymoon. The expectations from a wife were different from those of a “pre-wife” (my term). He said he’d rather die than go to counseling again. So after a couple of years of toughing it out, I took advantage of one of his business trips to pack up my car and move out and not tell him where. He tracked me down after a while to serve me with divorce papers. Fine, I said, and let my lawyer handle it.
Then he started stalking me. First, he claimed that I had broken into his(?!) house. I was living on another continent at the time and he made such a stink with law enforcement, insisting I was the guilty party, that I had to receive certified mail at my new address overseas before he would drop the charges against me. I moved to a different town shortly thereafter.
Seven years later, I received a series of emails from him trying to find out where I lived and what I was doing. I freaked out and blocked all emails from the state he lived in (which happened to be my home state, too). But I was on another continent and considered myself safe.
Then came the time when I had to move back to the US. He was in another town, a ways away. Fine. Eight years later I receive an email from him demanding to meet because he had some items of mine he wanted to return. I met him, because I judged it safer than denying him, and it turned out that the items were going to be returned to me on condition that I answer truthfully whether I had cheated on him while we were married (I hadn’t, not that it’s anyone’s business). I moved again.
Then two years later my neighbors had to move, and I posted on Facebook for someone to adopt their pets. You’ve guessed it, my ex (honest, I didn’t friend him; I didn’t friend anyone I didn’t know personally and none of his or our former mutual friends or his family) showed up to help them out by adopting them. I had had a construction disaster in my apartment and had moved into temporary quarters and lent my neighbors my television, and my ex helpfully brought it back over to me and wouldn’t leave until I walked out the door back to my temporary lodgings.
So why the fuss about pictures? The time when I first moved back to the US and he tracked me down, he did so using pictures—in particular, he recognized a shirt I was wearing. Now whenever I go to a networking group, a political meeting, etc., I tell everyone not to take my picture. (Yes, I threw the shirt into the rag bag.) But they do take my picture, and they post it on LinkedIn, on Facebook, on their web pages. If I try to obscure myself, they think it’s funny and take my picture just to annoy me. And worse, they tag me. I tell them I’ll leave the room, or quietly step out of the way, or take the picture myself if they want a group picture, but they ignore me. Therefore I have to explain, over and over, week after week, month after month. Don’t take my picture; my ex stalks me.
Why is he stalking you? they ask.
I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I’m not an expert on the psychology of stalkers and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to think about him. I want to get on with my life. I want to be able to promote my business at networking groups, to go to a concert, to attend a political rally, and in other ways to lead a normal life without endangering myself.
And what’s more, the real reason I tell everyone not to take my picture is because I don’t want anyone else to be endangered. Frankly, this man is a mystery to me and I don’t have the skills to figure him out and it’s not my problem. But the mass shooting in a church in Texas where 27 people died and 20 people were injured was the result of a domestic situation. Those who ignore my request not to take my picture may be doing so at their own peril.
So when someone asks you not to take their picture, don’t ignore them. Don’t challenge them. Don’t ask for explanations. Just respect that they might know a bit more about their situation than they are willing or able to tell you and agree not to take their picture.
An aside here: I can’t get a restraining order because the contacts are too infrequent and not perceived as threatening. Also they don’t apply to things like public places such as restaurants where these meetings are often held—only to home and work in my state.