From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Sweet Nothings
Happy Valentine's Day! I tossed some horny goat weed in my Cocoa Puffs this morning and now I'm madly in love with all of you and half the furniture in the house.
Did you know that eight billion of those addictive Sweethearts candies (a fine New England Confectionery Company product) are produced every year? It's TRUE!!! In a tradition we started a few years back, we present this year’s list of candy heart sayings for Trump-era Republicans:
BACKWARD TOGETHER
YOU’RE A “VERY FINE” PERSON [Wink!]
1 SCOOP FOR U 2 SCOOPS FOR ME
READY FIRE AIM
WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS (ENGLISH ONLY!)
STROKE MY GUN. I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S NOT LO
ABSTINENCE ONLY! (RIGHT AFTER THIS ONE TIME)
MY WALL OR YOURS?
BE MY GRIFTER’S MARK
#1 DOTARD
WHERE’S MY SUPPER, WOMAN?
I GO WOOTY WOOT FOR POOTY POOT
$1.50 TAX REFUND? SWEET!
CHICKS DIG NUKE STRIKES
PEE MY BED, BABY
RICH SINNERS GET MULLIGANS
U R THE CREAM IN MY COVFEFE
BEST THIRD WIFE EVUH
PRAY AWAY MY GAY
FAKE ORGASM!
That's amore.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Note: Local weather guy says Portland, Maine may hit a high of 60 next week. Oops. Bad news for the "GLOBAL WARMING IS A MYTH" sign the Trumpbots made out in their front yard entirely out of snowballs.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til DACA expires: 19
Days 'til the Lionel Hampton Jazz Festival at the University of Idaho: 9
Percent of GOP corporate tax cut revenue that will go to workers, according to Morgan Stanley analysts: 13%
Number of black judges Trump has appointed so far, according to former Obama deputy counsel Christopher Kang: 1
Men and women, respectively, representing Team USA at the Olympics: 135 / 108
Year the first commercially-produced Valentine cards were sold in the US: 1834
Size of the site in Belfast, Maine, where a Norwegian firm has decided to build one of the world’s largest salmon farms at a cost of $150 million (edging out sites in China, Japan, Ireland and Spain): 40 acres
Jimmy Buffett’s net worth in 2016, thanks to the empire he built around his one hit record: $550 million
Current U.S. Olympic Medal Count
Gold: 4 Silver: 1 Bronze: 2
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 4 Tribulation Temples and 1 movie town full of rampant cannibalistic satanic pedophilia). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Sound the alarm!!!
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CHEERS to taking a gavel right in the ol’ disgusting, spittle-and-cheeseburger-flecked kisser. Let the news at least be spread, Cadet Bone Spurs’ dream of deporting the Dreamers at last is---for now, anyway---dead:
A second U.S. judge on Tuesday blocked President Donald Trump’s decision to end a program that protects immigrants brought to the United States illegally as children from deportation.
U.S. District Judge Nicholas Garaufis in Brooklyn ruled that the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, or DACA, cannot end in March as planned, a victory for state attorneys general and immigrants who sued the Republican administration.
The decision is similar to an earlier ruling by a federal judge in San Francisco that DACA must remain in place while litigation over Trump’s decision unfolds. […] Garaufis said the administration could eventually rescind the DACA program but that the reason sit gave last September for rescinding it were too arbitrary and could not stand.
The next chapter in this saga will be unveiled when the Supreme Court rules on whether it’ll hear the White House’s appeal or not. I believe I speak for everyone here when I say: take your time.
CHEERS to the governor who says“Nee!” After Pennsylvania’s New White Russian (formerly Republican) Party (motto: “Voter ID, which is gonna allow Romney to win the state of Pennsylvania: done!”) was told by the Supreme Court to redraw the state’s district maps so they weren’t so one-sided, they got down to serious business and worked tirelessly through the night to…naw, I’m just kidding, they hoisted the middle finger at the state and…
Governor Tom Wolf (D) today told the Pennsylvania Supreme Court that he will not accept the proposed map Republican legislative leaders submitted because it, too, is a partisan gerrymander that does not comply with the court’s order or Pennsylvania’s Constitution.
“Partisan gerrymandering weakens citizen power, promotes gridlock and stifles meaningful reform,” Governor Wolf said. … The analysis by my team shows that, like the 2011 map, the map submitted to my office by Republican leaders is still a gerrymander. Their map clearly seeks to benefit one political party.”
So now the job of fairly apportioning districts falls to the state Supreme Court, forcing them to cancel their poker games and movie nights for the next week, which is really bad timing because tomorrow night they were planning to watch their favorite flick, Cats and Dogs II: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. Fearless prediction: next Halloween when you see the GOP leadership’s trees toilet-papered from top to bottom, I doubt you’ll have to make many guesses to ID the culprits.
CHEERS to the fickle finger of fate. Oh, mazel tov, Israel, mazel tov a thousand times! This is the best thing to come over your news wire in awhile: the words “Netanyahu,” “indict,” “corruption,” “bribery,” and “fraud” in the same sentence…
Israeli police are urging the attorney general to indict Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in two corruption cases involving bribery, fraud and breach of trust.
The recommendation is the result of more than a year of investigations into allegations that Netanyahu improperly accepted expensive gifts including pink champagne and cigars from Israeli Hollywood producer Arnon Milchan and Australian billionaire James Packer in exchange for favors.
In a statement issued Tuesday, police officials said there is sufficient evidence against the prime minister "on suspicions for the offense of fraud and breach of trust regarding his connection" to both wealthy businessman.
To symbolize the nature of the evidence, today in the C&J cafeteria we’re serving up bowlfuls of chocolate gelt. Very dirty chocolate gelt.
CHEERS to women on the move. On today's date in 1920, the group that Republicans today call "that damned nuisance"---The League of Women Voters---was founded in Chicago under the direction of president Maud Wood Park. It still amazes me how hard women had to fight for basic equality in the land of "Liberty and justice for all." I guess we're just slow learners when it comes to complicated, high-falutin’ words like “all.” Guys: tonight you cook.
CHEERS to bearing it and grinning. Gotta give a shoutout to my homies (I assume over there they’re called “hausies”) in Dusseldorf, Germany, which was my playground as a kid for five years back in the 70s. Earlier this week they had their annual Rose Monday parade, for which they create floats that lampoon and skewer politicians the world over. You can see a bunch of ‘em here, but I’ll highlight just one that, once seen, cannot be unseen:
The White House quickly condemned the float, calling it a fake and unnecessarily inflammatory work. “Besides that,” said Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, “they totally forgot the pee-stained sheets.”
JEERS to the new Federal Bureau of Goofs. Speaking of Trump, we’re now entering an interesting period in his presidency. This is the point where we can start looking back one year to remind ourselves of what Cadet Bone Spurs was doing, promising, or breaking, from embarrassing typos to flat-out breaches of national security. In fact, it was one year ago today that I posted my first abbreviated list of “some real sloppiness in the Trump administration.” Here it is, in what I deemed to be “in order from lowest to highest on the WTF scale” at the time:
» Trump's official inauguration poster says "to" when it should be "too."
» The Dept. of Education misspelled the name of W.E.B. Du Bois as "DeBois."
» While hosting a candlelight patio soiree at his Mar-A-Lago resort, Trump and his team started blurting out top-secret info on national security in front of guests who weren't even slightly cleared to hear them.
» Guests at the same event were allowed to pose for pictures with the guy who keeps "the football" used to launch nuclear strikes.
» Trump left a lockbag for top-secret information sitting out in the open on his desk…with the key still in it. (It took a Democratic congressman to point that out.)
One year later, the typos continue (State of the Uniom, anyone? No? How ‘bout covfefe?), the security breaches continue, Trump properties are still cesspools of emoluments abuses, and every day the dotard-in-chief says or does something that feels cribbed from a Godfather movie. But I’ll give him this: when it comes to trying to destroy the country, he’s one dedicated motherf*cker.
CHEERS to the Valentine's Day Bandits. This is perhaps Portland, Maine's most whimsical day of the year, but even more so this year on news that our state’s divorce rate dropped 30% over the last decade. Every February 14th for the last 42 years, a mysterious posse of love has gone around Portland's downtown in the wee hours and secretly taped red paper hearts on virtually every street-level window. Everyone just loves it. Some even swipe one or two to put in their own windows. It's sweet. It's cute. And, truth be told, it takes our mind off yesterday's visit by the Open Sores Day Bandits.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 14, 2008
JEERS to Dr. Crisco and his All-Delusion Band. Former crackpot Attorney General John Ashcroft---he who led and lost the fight against bare-boobed statues in the Justice Department---has slithered out of the woodwork to deliver a line that is so 2002:
"I would simply say this: It is never too early to fight to defend freedom, and it is much better to fight [evildoers] there than it is to fight them here."
Okay, fine. But first you and your creepy cohorts will have to move over there so we can fight you over there. Shall I call United Van Lines or Mayflower?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the wisdom of the jbou. The Kossack---one of several of our great orange family who died two years ago, adding extra ugh to the horribleness of 2016---is gone but not forgotten. C&J promised to revisit his sharp George-Carlin-meets-Stephen-Wright zingers from time to time. Whaddya know, today is one of those days. Enjoy these, randomly selected from---[throws dart at board]---January and February of 2014:
Google Earth makes me a bit paranoid so on top of my house I painted a satellite image of a different house.
You think how great it would be to have a leprechaun and then you get one and all they do is lie around and complain about the spinach dip.
Inspiration can come from any source! Seek it out wherever you go! Except Walmart. Attempt no inspiration there.
According to the Bible, the first thing God did was create light. So before that, this creepy motherfucker just hung out alone in the dark.
Believe this about yourself today: that you are a divine, complex and self-sustaining creation who only occasionally wipes boogers on stuff.
Say what you want. I think the gopher from Caddyshack really had it all figured out.
Chris Christie's career is now heading toward the "joining George Zimmerman in the boxing ring" phase.
Shameless self promotion: I'll be working on the corner of third and main tomorrow. You'll recognize the sign I made from a greasy pizza box.
Today’s Affirmation: "Today I will evict anyone living rent-free in my head with fire and violence."
What we put into the Universe will always come back to us, so basically none of us can dodge the coming Fart Tidal Wave.
I think Einstein proved that last one mathematically. Sorry I contributed so heartily to your eventual demise, future generations.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“The Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool does not need to be abandoned, nor does it need to be burned to the ground. But it definitely needs to be temporarily evacuated and fumigated.”
---Tom Nichols
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