From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark
“Today is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. Abraham Lincoln was born 209 years ago. Of course, he was tragically assassinated at Ford’s Theater in Washington by a member of MS-13. I read that on the White House website. Is that not right?”
---Jimmy Kimmel
“According to sources at the White House, Donald Trump's lawyers are telling him to refuse an interview with Robert Mueller because the president, who has a history of making false statements and contradicting himself, could be charged with lying to investigators. It’s a crack legal analysis from the law firm of No, Shit & Sherlock.”
---Stephen Colbert
“The Mexican-American judge that Donald Trump insulted may hear a case about his border wall. It’s the landmark case of Donald Trump vs. Payback’s a Bitch.”
---Conan O’Brien
And this interesting juxtaposition from Feb. 2009…
"How about President Barack Obama's first prime time press conference last night? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?”
---David Letterman
And Feb. 2017…
Trump at his one and only solo press conference exactly 365 days ago: To be honest, I inherited a mess.
Stephen Colbert: No. You inherited a fortune. We elected a mess.
---The Late Show
If your name is Robert Mueller, tonight drinks around the kiddie pool are on the house. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Note about the poll: the high schoolers are from Parkland, Florida, not “Lakeland,” which I apparently pulled out of some dusty, malfunctioning part of my brain. In other words: my brain. Our apologies.
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 16, 2018
Note: Due to the Presidents' Day holiday, C&J will appear as scheduled. We regret the inconvenience.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til MLB spring training games start: 7
Days 'til the Almond Blossom Festival in Ripon, California: 7
Number of Republican-held legislative seats around the country that Democratic candidates have flipped since Trump was elected: 36
Rank of Colorado among states with the most Olympic athletes, according to Colorado’s sitting senators: #1
Public support for keeping guns out of the hands of the mentally ill, per a Quinnipiac poll (one year ago Trump OK’d a law that allows just that): 88%
Percent drop in 12-to-17 year-olds using Facebook in 2017: 9.9%
Expected opening weekend sales for Marvel’s Black Panther, which would be an all-time February record: $150 million
Current U.S. Olympic Medal Count
Gold: 5 Silver: 1 Bronze: 2
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
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CHEERS to catching a rat in a trap. Robert Mueller, you magnificent bastard, you’re the master of 11-dimensional chess. Today’s indictments of 13 Russkis and three Russian agencies that meddled in the 2016 election accomplished one big, beautiful thing: built a big beautiful wall around Donald Trump and god knows how many of his accomplices. The Russia investigation is now legit, and now is a perfect time to revisit this:
I think someone needs to put Hannity on suicide watch.
CHEERS to rock ‘em, sock ‘em robed ones. We’re now at the point where we can start looking back one year to evaluate the extent to which Trump’s self-described “greatest presidency ever” has panned out…or not.
One year ago this week, for example, he was discovering that democracy had no plans to stop pushing back against his delusions of dictatorship. He lost, in no particular order, his travel ban court cases, his national security adviser, six staffers who failed FBI background checks, his Labor Secretary nominee, his ability to control leaks, and any shred of a ratings "honeymoon period." Even with a stable economy and favorable conditions across the board, he started off with a faceplant. And as if to commemorate his failiversary, the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals stomped on his Muslim ban yesterday, going even further than an earlier ruling by the “looney liberal” 9th Circuit Court by declaring the ban flat-out unconstitutional, for which Trump can thank his own big mouth and tweeting thumbs:
"Examining official statements from President Trump and other executive branch officials, along with the [travel ban] proclamation itself, we conclude that the proclamation is unconstitutionally tainted with animus toward Islam," 4th Circuit Chief Judge Roger Gregory wrote in the ruling.
The travel ban challengers "offer undisputed evidence of such bias: the words of the President," Gregory wrote, noting Trump's "disparaging comments and tweets regarding Muslims." […]
"President Trump's third illegal attempt to denigrate and discriminate against Muslims through an immigration ban has failed in court yet again. It's no surprise," ACLU lawyer Cecillia Wang said.
I never thought I’d say this to Lord Dampnut, but…KEEP TWEETING!
CHEERS to legal libations. On this date in 1933, the U.S. Senate passed the Blaine Act, which effectively ended prohibition. Who says Christmas comes in December?
JEERS to America: land of the guns, home of the gun nuts.
What happens in the wake of the massacre in Newtown Aurora Binghamton Tucson Santa Barbara Charleston Lafayette Roseburg Kalamazoo Orlando Alexandria Las Vegas Benton etcetera etcetera etcetera Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida during what was supposed to be a normal school day (17 killed, 15 wounded by a MAGA hat-wearing domestic terrorist who inexplicably slipped through the FBI’s cracks) is depressingly predictable: The community will grieve as the dead are buried. Gun control advocates will wisely suggest that this might be a good time to review our federal and state firearms policies so that our nation's shameful record of gun violence might be improved upon. The president and his minions will blame Democrats for the carnage and urge every living soul and their pets to arm themselves to the teeth, but not before insincerely offering their “thoughts and prayers.” (Trump will squeeze in a token appearance at Parkland in between rounds of golf---and that’s not a joke.) And the NRA will continue scaring Republican politicians into looking the other way by informing them that, "We'll be scoring you on your response." Like I said, predictable. Depressingly.
P.S. America’s future right here…
If the kids can put a stop to our country’s normalizing of gun violence, I say give ‘em all a Nobel Peace Prize.
CHEERS to the last useful thing the Vatican ever did. On this date in 600, Pope Gregory the Great decreed that "God Bless You" would become the religiously correct response to a sneeze. Mostly because the old response---"Oh, hey, that sounds bubonic"---was scaring off the faithful.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The big TV news of the weekend is John Oliver's triumphant return for another season (his fifth…already???) of Last Week Tonight on HBO Sunday night. Personally, I hope he tackles the GOP hypocrisy in the wake of the Lakeland gun shooting, which is the kind of story that's right up his alley. But things get started tonight with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and then HBO's Real Time, where Bill Maher talks with Fran Lebowitz, Salman Rushdie, Anna Deavere Smith (Center for American Progress) and perennial Mexican thorn in Trump’s side Vicente Fox.
New home video releases include Denzel Washington’s Oscar-nominated Roman J. Israel, Esq. (was that even released in theaters?) and the Criterion Collection release of Silence of the Lambs, which hasn’t lost an ounce of its creepiness in nearly 30 years. The NBA All-Star Game is Sunday night on TNT and TBS. The hockey schedule is here. (The Boston Bruins will “canock over” the Canucks Ha Ha Ha!!!) On 60 Minutes: Rex Tillerson wakes up from his daily 5-hour midday nap long enough to talk about the chemical weapons attacks in Syria that might not be happening if he and his boss hadn’t cut our diplomatic corps to the bone, and Oprah brings together last year’s gaggle of Trump and Hillary voters for a reunion. (Spoiler Alert: Trump voters are still dangerous and delusional.) Oh, and the Olympic athletes in PyeongChang will continue making most of us feel guilty for not doing more squats and crunches every morning so, like them, we can touch the bottom of our feet with the top of our head.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Rep Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL).
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) will have a thing or two to say about the Mueller indictments, preferably while holding a big bag ‘o popcorn. Oh, and Ohio Gov. John Kasich is on again. The Sunday shows love keeping him in the spotlight because they want him to primary Trump (read: big ratings potential).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Former astronaut and Giffords Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence co-founder Mark Kelly. Plus: Chris Wallace asks questions of Rush Limbaugh, who oinks once for yes and twice for no.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 16, 2008
JEERS to FEMA as usual. Gather 'round, kiddies...Uncle Billy's gonna give you another nugget of homespun wisdom. Until President Bush gets his sorry ass out of the White House, the following lead sentence will be repeated in the news on at least a weekly basis:
Just when you thought the federal government could not possibly outdo its incredible record of ineptitude in the handling of the victims of Hurricane Katrina, it contrives, against all odds, to make yet another colossal mistake.
Here endeth the lesson.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to second chances. Probably fair to say that 2018 has gotten off to a rotten start, no thanks to Preznit Whatzisface and the multiple school shootings so far this year. But here's good news: we get a sorta kinda do-over! Today marks the start of the Chinese New Year---#4716. Specifically, it’s the Year of the Dawg. If you were born in 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994,2006, or after 12am this morning, this is your year! Individually, dogs are defined by their “intelligence, companionship, and unwavering loyalty to friends and loved ones.” On a larger scale, the characteristics of the dog seem to point (pun intended) to more evidence that a bigly GOP midterm shellacking is on the way in nine months:
Like a major aspect of the dog personality, the Year of the Dog is traditionally associated with establishing the safety and security of loved ones.
In a larger sense, the sign's influence will also see society's disenfranchised finding new champions to speak up for them.
While the Year of the Rooster last year was best summed up by the grandiose excesses of the few, the Year of the Dog will focus on the many.
And since our pack is bigger and more energized than the GOP’s demoralized pack (if not their PACs), this bodes well, no bones about it. The only downside: the first thing new office holders will be tasked with is cleaning up all their shit.
Oh, and Happy Birthday this Sunday to Atrios the Baby Blue Cherub (aka Duncan Black), and many blessings on your "Heh indeedys." Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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