From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
What Made Trump Look Like a Bigger Jackass in February
Rob Porter
Dr. Stabby
His lawyer
“Jeff Session”
His son-in-law
His chief-of-staff
The word “treason”
His head of the VA
His empathy deficit
His head of the FCC
His Rambo complex
The D.C. City Council
His snake story at CPAC
His guns in schools idea
This German parade float
Senator Tammy Duckworth
His senior Nazi policy adviser
FBI Director Christopher Wray
FEMA contractor Tiffany Brown
His post-immolation Darth Vader skull
His ability to hire “only the best people”
His senior adviser in charge of white lies
His unhinged and paranoid EPA director
Whoever said the Parkland shooting was a “reprieve”
Pretty soon the astronauts at the International Space Station will be able to return to earth just by climbing down Lord Dampnut’s Bullshit Mountain.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 1, 2018
Note: Prepare yourself for the coming Billypocalypse: I regret to inform you that there will be no C&J Monday as we will be stuck in a bar with a priest, a minister and a rabbi. Back Tuesday with the hilarious punchline, assuming I make bail.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til daylight saving time starts: 10
Days 'til the 134th Bok Kai Festival in Marysville, California: 16
Opiod deaths in Maine last year, an increase of 11% from 2016: 418
Age of Yellowstone Park as of today: 146
Amount Ben Carson spent on a dining set for his office: $31,000
Number of actors/actresses who have earned Oscar nominations for playing British royalty (5 have won): 18
Estimated number of golf balls that disappear in the U.S. every year, according to FiveThirtyEight: 300 million
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
One of the problems we have here is that in order to fix a mistake, it is first necessary to recognize that you've made one.
But we're dealing with George W. Bush. We should be getting ready for three Katrinas next year, but first the administration would have to recognize that global warming is taking place.
One of the most discouraging morsels of news in recent days is that President Bush was so enchanted by Michael Crichton's novel purportedly debunking global warming that he asked Crichton to the White House to chat with him. Help! Why can't we ever get a break? Think what would happen if the president read The Da Vinci Code.
---March 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
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CHEERS to March! Highlights of the month that will soon erupt into madness: Coming in like a lion and hopefully going out like a Lamb…a Congressman Lamb, that is. Daylight Saving Time (the 11th), Peanut Month (Caution: may contain peanuts or peanut products), Women's History Month, Caffeine Awareness Month (I'm aware! I'm aware! I'm aware!!!), St.Patrick's Day, Girl Scout Day, Worship of Tools Day (not sure if they mean the screwdriver or the Paul Ryan variety), Something-on-a-Stick Day, International Women's Day (the 8th), the infamous Ides, some potentially decent movies (Spielberg’s Ready Player One, Love Simon), and spring arrives.
On the 20th Democrats in Illinois’ 3rd district will muster the good sense to boot DINO Dan Lipinski in favor of progressive Marie Newman, and there’s an anti-gun-violence march in D.C (and around the country) on the 24th. I also believe March is one of the months of the year in which Republicans in the House and Senate act like total reality-denying jerks, the others being January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December. Plus: as of today we've made it through one-sixth of 2018. Slap another gold star on your tuchus and...Forward!
CHEERS to Battleship: Special Election Edition. Last Tuesday night…
Player 1 (a Democrat): I call NH-3.
Player 2 (a Republican): Aw, dammit---HIT! Philip Spagnuolo just flipped a state House seat in a district that Trump won by 12 points! Okay, I’m calling KY-8.
Player 1: Hit! Republican Robert Goforth beat Dem Kelly Smith by 34 points in a state House district Trump won by 62. No flip. Now my turn. I call CT-120.
Player 2: Dammit! Phil Young just flipped a state House seat that’s cradled a Republican’s butt for 40 years! This game sucks!
[Player 2 picks up game board and smashes it against the wall, sending pieces flying all over the room.]
Can’t wait to see how he reacts when we sink his battleship in November.
CHEERS to helping hands. Happy Peace Corps Week! The organization that John F. Kennedy built turns 57 today, and it's still crankin' out the good works:
More than 80 Peace Corps Week events are taking place across the country. Activities include discussion panels with returned volunteers, recruitment events, storytelling nights, video screenings and art shows.
The Peace Corps sends Americans with a passion for service abroad on behalf of the United States to work with communities and create lasting change.
Through their Peace Corps experience, volunteers gain a unique cultural understanding and a life-long commitment to service that positions them to succeed in today's global economy.Since President John F. Kennedy established the Peace Corps in 1961, more than 230,000 Americans of all ages have served in 141 countries worldwide.
Fifty-seven years later, it's still "the toughest job you'll ever love." Especially if you bring a few cases of Bacardi along. And limes. Without limes it's intolerable.
JEERS to previews of coming---[Blam!]---attractions. Donald Trump is demanding that teachers carry guns in the classroom so they can protect students from armed intruders. What could possibly go wrong I won’t even put a question mark after that because you know how this is going to end already…..
A teacher is in custody after police say he barricaded himself inside a classroom at a high school in northwest Georgia Wednesday and fired a shot.
Bartoo said…Davidson slammed the door and yelled for him to go away while making "nonsensical noises." […]
Bartoo said Davidson had been employed by the school since 2004 and described him as a good teacher. He said there was no indication he was troubled or unfit for the position.
The money quote, courtesy of Principal Bartoo: "It's certainly shocking to me that one of the staff members pulled out a gun in a classroom and fired it.” On the bright side, at least it wasn’t a howitzer.
JEERS to the dick move of the day. What is it about Americans and train tracks? While the rest of the world calmly lives around them every day without incident, here in the States we seem to have a subset of idiots who lose their mental moorings when they’re around them. And that includes Mainers, like this idiot who thought this would be a fun thing to do just a few blocks from our house…until it wasn’t:
Onlookers said they couldn’t believe it. Or, to be more specific, they said they couldn’t believe it wasn’t our governor.
CHEERS to the swingiest swing state in all of Swingdom. I was hatched at Mercy Hospital in Mount Vernon, Ohio in August of 1964, and that makes me a dyed-in-the-wool Buckeye. So it goes without saying that today I'm wishing a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my home state---215 years young. Seven mostly-crappy presidents from Ohio were elected, and you all wisely stopped nominating us after Harding kicked the bucket. It's the only state whose flag is a pennant. And we're the proud birthplace of Steven Spielberg, Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Orville Wright, Clark Gable, Gloria Steinem and one or two others.
Oh, and in the interest of fairness I should also mention that some people say Nebraska was admitted to the union on this date in 1867. Can't say I'm familiar with it, but I'll take 'em at their word.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 1, 2008
CHEERS to overdue departures. Defense Department general counsel William Haynes is a dick. I know he is because he thinks torture is The American Way, and he warned that no inmates should be allowed to leave Guantanamo except in a body bag. Well, William Dickhead Haynes is leaving Washington. If there's any justice he'll be hogtied to a rail on his way out.
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And just one more…
JEERS to local scofflaws. Normally foresterbob is C&J’s go-to guy for strange and funny signage, but today we’re invading his space to post a classic pic of our own. Our street, yesterday:
Note that he’s parked in front of both a “No Thru Trucks” sign and a “No Parking This Side of Street” sign as he unloads supplies for the corner deli two doors down from us. A rare double violation! Which I dealt with promptly in my capacity as the 4-star general of the Pitt Street Neighborhood Watch. Although I have to say, I was surprised by the intensity of the sparks that shot off the loading ramp as I drove the offending vehicle into the next county and abandoned it at a boarded-up Sunoco. They should put a warning sticker on those things.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin Compares Bill in Portland Maine to an Intern: He Doesn’t Really Know Anything
---Mediaite
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