My mind tends to make odd connections sometimes. In some cases, the connections only make sense to me; but other times they have some actual relevance. I came across a Facebook discussion on the subject of Toxic Masculinity the other day which reminded me of a mystery that I re-read this past week. I had never really thought of Toxic Masculinity as a major theme of that book, but looking at it again, maybe it is. Attitudes towards what men are entitled to by virtue of their gender — and what is expected of them — has a significant effect on the story’s characters.
The book was The Unpleasantness at the Bellona Club, one of the Lord Peter Wimsey mysteries by Dorothy L. Sayers. In it, Lord Peter is asked to investigate the death of an old retired gentleman who died peacefully in his sleep at his stuffy, highly respectable gentleman’s club. A sizable inheritance depends on exactly what time the old bird passed on, but in trying to determine the time of death, Lord Peter uncovers some facts which are decidedly… unpleasant.
One of the main characters in the story is George, one of the grandsons of the General in question. George is a friend of Wimsey’s and both served in the Great War. The War has left George with recurring health problems resulting from exposure to mustard gas and severe PTSD which have made it difficult for him to hold down a job. As a result, he and his wife Sheila are heavily in debt and he has to rely on her to support the both of them. This is terribly damaging to his pride, but also to his sense of self-worth. He feels a tremendous amount of guilt because He’s Not Doing What A Man Should Do, and it makes him peevish and irrationally resent his wife, which makes them argue. George’s family think he’s acting like a butt-head towards his Sheila — and he is; and he knows it — but this only makes him all the more stressed and irritable and he keeps spiraling downward. Peter would like to help his friend, but as George is too proud to accept money, there is little Peter can do except offer encouragement.
But there is one particular scene which touches on another aspect of societal expectations towards gender roles; an aspect which is more subtle and more easily misunderstood.
George goes off the deep end and disappears. Sheila calls Lord Peter for help. When Peter arrives, his first impulse is to take charge of the situation; to assume command of her kitchen and tell her to sit down. He means well; he does not want the Little Woman to Upset Herself. But she already is upset; she needs to talk about her problem and Wimsey is the one who needs to shut up and listen. He begins to argue with her, when he realizes this.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bully. One has an ancestral idea that women must be treated like imbeciles in a crisis. Centuries of the ‘women-and-children-first’ idea, I suppose. Poor devils!”
”Who, the women?”
”Yes. No wonder they sometimes lose their heads. Pushed into corners, told nothing of what’s happening, and made to sit quiet and do nothing. Strong men would go dotty in the circs. I suppose that’s why we’ve always grabbed the privilege of rushing about and doing the heroic bits.”
Then almost immediately, he instinctively makes a grab for the teakettle to make tea for her before catching himself and remembering that this is her home, her kitchen and her problem. He can offer to help, but the truly chivalric thing to do is to let her decide what she really needs.
This scene makes me think of how discussions about gender roles always seem to drift into the issue of Should Men Hold Doors Open for Ladies. Well, if the gentlemen are doing it out of simple courtesy and would do the same for anyone else, it shouldn’t be a problem; but it the women feel that they’re being treated like imbeciles, as Lord Peter puts it, then hell yeah, they should be offended. Maybe the men don’t intend to give that impression. But if we’re really as chivalrous as we think we are, then we men ought to care about how the women feel.