With the escalating chaos energy in the White House today, I decided I needed a one-on-one with the only inside source I have in this “administration,” Maga, the former White House dog.
I set up another Skype session with her this afternoon in hopes of making some sense of recent events.
CV: Hi, Maga.
Maga: Vor dude! Long time no sniff.
CV: Yeah, I’ve been trying to give you some privacy. You deserve it, having had to live with that, um, collection. Looking at recent news from out of the White House, are you happy you left?
Maga: Happy, relieved, any tail-wagging emotion you can name. Proud to be able to say I resigned from the Trump White House before it was cool, if tearing across the South Lawn as fast as I could run counts as a formal resignation. I can’t even imagine what it’s like now.
CV: I was hoping you could give the DailyKos readers some insight into… you know…
Maga: Into what in the name of Rin Tin Tin is going on? How would I know? It’s been over a year since I bolted.
CV: I thought perhaps with your unique experience, you might have some idea of why everything seems to be spinning out of control over there.
Maga: Well, like I said, it’s been a while. But I do have a theory.
CV: What’s that?
That dude could kill a family bucket of KFC faster than I can crunch through a Milk Bone. Kind of impressive, really.
Maga: I figure it’s the diet. When I saw on TV they were taking away his burgers and giving him salads, I said, "This will not end well." That dude could kill a family bucket of KFC faster than I can crunch through a Milk Bone. Kind of impressive, really.
CV: Hmm. Could it really be as simple as that?
Maga: Of course not, but it’s a decent place to start. You guys want a country next year? Get some filet o fish into that guy, stat. But it really goes back to the man himself. Did you watch the Pennsylvania rally Saturday? There’s your boy. He’s got less impulse control than me, and I’m a dog, for crying out loud. When I heard the quote about him feeling “freed” from (White House Chief of Staff John) Kelly, I was, like, “Oh, boy, here we go...”
CV: Now, you never met, Kelly, did you?
Maga: After my time. But from what I’ve seen on the TV, I’m not impressed.
CV: Why not?
Despite his reputation, Kelly just doesn’t have what it takes to paper train Trump. He’s Priebus in a spike collar.
Maga: He came in ready to knock heads and straighten things out, but look where we are now. The proof is in the kibble. Knowing Trump’s brass fetish, they thought a rough, tough torturing general might be the one who could keep him in line. How’s that working out? Despite his reputation, Kelly just doesn’t have what it takes to paper train Trump. He’s Priebus in a spike collar.
CV: While we’re on the subject of personnel, I wanted to ask about Trump’s body man John McEntee, who was escorted out yesterday on “security grounds.” Did you know him?
Maga: Of course. You couldn’t avoid him if you were anywhere around Trump. He hovered.
CV: What was he like?
Maga: It was a pretty creepy thing, his clinginess. I mean, he was worse than Hope (Hicks, former White House Communications Director). I understood Hope's thing. Classic surrogate father stuff. But John's devotion to Trump was just weird. It was like he hoped Trump would turn him into a real boy someday.
CV: I read in the Hill this morning that McEntee was in charge of “bringing Trump messages.”
Maga: And changing the clocks for Daylight Savings Time. I don’t even know what that is and it sounded funny.
CV: But surely he did more than that.
Maga: He did everything. He cut up Trump’s steaks, for god’s sake. And with the way Trump likes them cooked, that took some doing. Dude’s got quads of steel.
CV: But when you say, “everything,” what do you mean?
Between John and Hope, they did everything but wipe his ass, and I can’t guarantee that wasn’t a requirement, too.
Maga: Everything. Grabbed up the bills he forgot to sign, reminded him someone was holding on the phone. Between John and Hope, they did everything but wipe his ass, and I can’t guarantee that wasn’t a requirement, too. With both of them gone, I figure it’s gonna be nothing but Big Macs and FOX all day now.
CV: So, you don’t really see any chance of it getting better?
Maga: Remember what I said about impulse control? Most of the stuff that you’ve seen that’s shocked you up ‘til now has been Trump being annoyed. Now he’s starting to enjoy himself. Best stock up on the Alpo and drinking water, Vor. There’s really no telling where this is going now.
CV: Well, thanks, I guess, Maga. This has certainly been enlightening. If not comforting.
Maga: You want comfort, get a dog.