So this morning I watched the entire Stormy Daniels interview on 60 Minutes, and also the extra video, which shows clips of interview that weren’t in the episode.
And she became a human being for me.
I had thought she was. Was surprised, and ashamed, to find out I was wrong, that to some degree, I had dehumanized her with the label Porn StarTM. With her clothes that barely hide her hugely augmented breasts. With her glitzy jewelry and her bottle-blond hair. With her ability to grab headlines. Opportunistic porn star, career move, I dehumanized her with.
I dehumanized her with her name even, a porn name meant to send a certain message, rather than a real name given to her by someone who loved her. Stormy; it lends itself so well to weather jokes and dehumanization. We have a harder time dehumanizing someone with a plain, respectable name like Stephanie. We laugh at the idea that Trump can’t give her a dehumanizing nickname because she’s already got one. She’s already dehumanized.
If her name were Stephanie and she were, say, an accountant, would anyone being saying her story, which alleges illegal campaign donating and threat of physical harm as well as adultery, is a nothingburger? Would we be lamenting how low America has fallen, that a <fill-in-a-respectable-occupation-here> might be the one to bring down the pr*sident?
I started quitting dehumanizing her while I was reading the transcript and seeing her revelations in her own words last night. Also when I saw some of her snappy comebacks to detractors; no one could argue she wasn’t witty, though she seemed impervious, which is a little inhuman. But the actual interview—seeing her expressions, hearing her voice, sensing the emotion—sealed the deal.
Her experiences, any woman could have. Only the usurped position of national power held by her adversary makes them national-media-worthy. I’d argue the majority if not all of us have had portions of them at least.
Like getting invited to dinner by a skeevy older guy, over at his hotel room, and going because you’ve heard about him, think it might be interesting and he might be a good connection. He talks about nothing but himself, wants to show you how impressive he is—we’ve all dated at least one of those, no?
But maybe, if you are a strong woman, you don’t put up with it.
"Does this-- does this normally work for you?" And he looked very taken-- taken back, like, he didn't really understand what I was saying. Like, I was, "does, just, you know, talking about yourself normally work?"
The magazine spanking story is assumed to be a bit of pre-arranged sub-dom play. What else would you think? But it wasn’t. It started with her calling him on being a malignant narcissist.
Because she is a normal person and so recognizes narcissism’s abnormalities. And she is a strong woman. I think he actually punked her, though, by letting the scolding become sexual.
Haven’t we all been fooled like that?
But—afterward the old bugger seems tamed, starts talking like a normal person. How great you are, then says he can get you a great job. You’re thinking that he might be sincere or he might be angling for sex with you. Most likely it’s both, if he is an honest man.
I thought of it as a business deal.
We all want to make like we’ve never done this. But do you know what portion of women, not just porn stars, but women generally, would marry for money? Not just do a blow-job, but marry. Check it. (Spoiler alert: non-porn-star men do, too.)
Knowing he is married and has a kid, however, you ask him about that. Because you want to make sure you’re not home-wrecking. Because you are that decent a person.
"Oh yeah, yeah, you know, don't worry about that. We don't even-- we have separate rooms and stuff."
In other words, there’s no home to wreck, not that way. His marriage is essentially dead, passion-wise. And a man has needs. Weren’t we all taught that, taught that it’s our job to satisfy them?
You tell yourself he hasn’t proved himself a liar yet.
You ask where the restroom is and he directs you to the ensuite. Old trick, but we were all too young to see it once, weren’t we? You come out and find him “perched” on the bed.
And I was like, "Ugh, here we go." (LAUGH) And I just felt like maybe-- (LAUGH) it was sort of-- I had it coming for making a bad decision for going to someone's room alone and I just heard the voice in my head, "well, you put yourself in a bad situation and bad things happen, so you deserve this."
No. You. Don’t.
But those of us who have daughters know we have to teach them that. Hard. Repeatedly. “You don’t deserve to have to have sex with anyone you don’t want to, for any reason. Anywhere. Anytime. No matter what. If he touches you when you don’t want him to, it’s sexual assault.”
And we still worry they don’t get it.
Because we all had to learn that ourselves… the hard way, if we didn’t learn it the easy way. If we have learned it. The younger we are, the less likely we’ve learned it. How many of us did by 27?
She insists she was consenting, though. She didn’t say no.
This is not a 'Me Too.' I was not a victim. I've never said I was a victim. I think trying to use me to-- to further someone else's agenda, does horrible damage to people who are true victims.
She had sex with someone she didn’t want to have sex with, but she was not a victim. She had a choice, but she didn’t deserve to have a choice because she’d made a mistake. She walked on the knife-edge of choice vs. no choice, victim vs. free actor. She was not sure where the dividing line was.
Because we’ve been taught all our lives that men’s power over us is not to be resisted. If we don’t concede when it’s subtle, it will get less subtle. We pray we’ll find a good man, because we aren’t allowed to fight back against a bad one. We have choices, but they are devil’s choices. Say yes or get hit. Be good or be punished. Don’t leave or be shot. Tell no one or get sued.
Stormy signed documents that were lies, even though she swears she is not a liar. Even though she’s gone on 60 Minutes to prove she’s not a liar.
Anderson Cooper: If it was untruthful, why did you sign it?
Stormy Daniels: Because they made it sound like I had no choice.
Anderson Cooper: I mean, no one was putting a gun to your head?
Stormy Daniels: Not physical violence, no.
Anderson Cooper: You thought that there would be some sort of legal repercussion if you didn't sign it?
Stormy Daniels: Correct. As a matter of fact, the exact sentence used was, "They can make your life hell in many different ways."
Yes, they can, powerful men. They have connections with other men who are ruthless, whether they’re regular thugs like the guy in the parking lot who says
"That's a beautiful little girl. It'd be a shame if something happened to her mom."
or legal thugs like Michael Cohen.
We all know it. We all take it into account in our choices when we deal with them.
Anderson Cooper: Did you go to the police?
Stormy Daniels: No.
Anderson Cooper: Why?
Stormy Daniels: Because I was scared.
The cops are powerful men, too. As are judges. I’m a porn star. I’m a woman. I’m dressed provocatively, I have huge breasts. I’m dressed in a way they might think is provocative, I have breasts. They’ll take one look and not take me seriously. They will never believe me. They will victimize me themselves.
I hate to think how many of us have been there.
We pretend that because we have these devil’s choices, we are free, because that way we don’t have to admit we are victims. We can pretend we’re okay.
After that first fuck, the skeevy old guy is all happy afterwards, doesn’t see the look in your eyes, doesn’t give a shit if you aren’t. So you just swallow the emotion and hope for the carrot. He doesn’t bother asking the second time any more than the first time, just lays his hands on you, because he’s a powerful man and you’re a porn star, so you’re his meat. He’s a powerful man and you’re a woman, so you’re his meat.
Every woman is a porn star to a man like him.
Even his daughter.
Because he came and sat next to me and, you know, touched my hair, and put his hand on my leg, and r-- referenced back to how great it was the last time.
How great it was for him.
If Stormy is your daughter you want to scream, “HE IS TOUCHING YOU WHEN YOU DON’T WANT IT! THAT IS A CRIME!”
But it’s you and you are strong and cool, you don’t even feel the gropes any more, so you hold out for the carrot. He says next week. That lets you know for sure, the job thing is all bullshit. So you walk to make sure there’s no second time.
Mr. Trump called her the following month to say he'd not been able to get her a spot on Celebrity Apprentice.
You would have got it if you’d let me, he means. Just so you’ll have a twinge of pain, a moment of self-doubt. So maybe you’ll let him next time, if there is one.
We’ve all been there, those of us who are strong. Those of us who are not, who won’t allow ourselves to realize he is a bullshitter because we can’t bear it, because we want to love him, are maybe still there. Married to him, having sex and even kids with someone you don’t want to, telling yourself you’re not a victim, that the prize you’ll get will be worth it in the end.
I’d much rather be Stormy than Melania.
Anderson Cooper: For sitting here talking to me today you could be fined a million dollars. I mean, aren't you taking a big risk?
Stormy Daniels: I am.
Anderson Cooper: I guess I'm not 100% sure on why you're doing this.
Stormy Daniels: Because it was very important to me to be able to defend myself.
We are all there. It is very important to all of us to be able to defend ourselves.
Stormy—Stephanie—is risking financial ruin, because most judges are powerful men, too. The one who hears the case might be a Trump appointee. At the very least, if he’s a man, he’ll relate more to the men in the case.
She is fearlessly realistic about the risks she’s taking.
Anderson Cooper: How do we know you're telling the truth?
Stormy Daniels: 'Cause I have no reason to lie. I'm opening myself up for, you know, possible danger and definitely a whole lot of s***.
Anderson Cooper: But, you know, there is a potential ups-- financial upside maybe somebody will want you to write a book. Maybe, you know, you can go on a bigger tour and make more money...
Stormy Daniels: That's a lot of ifs. I could also get shunned. I mean, I could automatically be alienating half of my fanbase right at this very moment.
Nevertheless she’s persisting, on 60 Minutes, being firm, direct, concise, authentic. Blunt. Answering yes/no questions with firm yeses or noes. No prevarifications, excuses, distractions, redirections. Only withholding answers on attorney’s advice, and saying straight out that’s why. Claiming responsibility.
The porn star comes across not only as more honest than the skeevy old pr*sident, but more honest than any Republican and quite a few Democrats too, if you’ll pardon me.
I can’t dehumanize someone with courage like that. The courage to stand up to arguably the most powerful man in the world, whom she knows is viciously vindictive, to say she challenged him, spanked him with a magazine, and ultimately blew him off for being a liar. She’s smart enough to get a kick-ass lawyer, too:
Michael Avenatti: You should ask some of the other people in my career when they've bet on me bluffing.
Yow!
As she tells her story, she shows herself to be tough as nails. But she also shows herself to be immensely vulnerable. Not just feel it; be it. The thug could have pulled a gun and killed her as she got her baby out of the car. The skeevy old guy could have raped her with the help of other thugs. The thug lawyer could take away everything she has worked so hard for, bumping and grinding, creating and negotiating, for all those years.
Who’s going to care what happens to a porn star?
She is vulnerable and vastly strong, both at once.
Like every woman. Like we have to be.
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