Two weeks ago, several Kossacks, with Dixiecolle leading the charge, took it upon themselves to create a lasting memorial for our Celtic Lassie.
At Long Last — A Memorial Bench for the Celtic Lassie
For those who have joined this site since her passing three years ago, here is a bit of her story:
The Celtic Lassie was a survivor of childhood cancer. She was diagnosed with a malignant teratoma at the age of seven months. She had emergency surgery, then began a course of chemotherapy and treatments that can only be described as brutal. She had a second major surgery at fifteen months, and by the time she was two years old, had received sixteen courses of chemo.
She developed sepsis as the result of a contaminated needle. That resulted in 28 days of IV antibiotics. At times, her fever went over 104º. She survived, somehow.
She was 26 years old when another cancer came roaring back. She fell in her bedroom on April 29, 2015. I heard her scream, and a thud when she hit the floor. She had been putting on warmups to go work out.
She said, “Daddy, my leg just went away.”
I called an ambulance to take her to the hospital. X-rays showed her pelvis had shattered spontaneously. The cause? A tumor was in the process of destroying her pelvis.
Scans showed tumors everywhere. When the attending physician pulled her CT scan up on the monitor, my heart fell. She had tumors of all sizes throughout her body.
The result of the biopsy came back on May 2, 2015. I had to tell her that it was an undifferentiated adenocarcinoma.
Her face screwed up and she began crying, saying over and over, “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die….”
For you see, she was a student in the EMT/Paramedic program, and was about to start work. She understood exactly what I had told her, and knew the implications. She looked at the oncologist standing behind me. She asked, “How much time do I have?”
He tried to be honest with her, but she also knew his estimate of, “Three to six months,” was optimistic. We brought her home under care of Hospice, setting up a hospital bed in the living room.
We did everything we could to make her comfortable. On the evening of May 22, she began to talk. Joy of Fishes had come to help with her care. I was leaning over her, brushing her hair. JoF began writing down what she said, verbatim:
First Soliloquy May 22:
[OS was brushing her hair]
Everyone needs family
Everyone needs a hug
Everyone needs something
Nobody should die alone
Everyone needs someone to catch them
[OS - Do you feel alone?]
Not any more.
I am not going alone, and that's the truth.
My time is not done yet.
I got more to give.
[OS - You have given an awful lot, more than you know.]
Not enough.
I go the distance.
I am not a quitter.
I am not a quitter.
I will walk again wherever it is.
A family friend had given her a holding cross, sometimes called a “Comfort Cross.” The friend had held the cross during her own cancer treatments. The Lassie asked for her cross. I handed it to her.
Grasping the cross in her left fist, her arm shot straight up. Drawing from some inner strength, she began to speak in a clear strong voice:
To the women of the world
Try the best
I love you mom
Put your arms around your perfect girl and boy
Love them
Tell them how perfect they are
One day you might not have them.
Amen.
By this time, the monster had invaded her brain. She had difficulty talking and finding the words she wanted.
Second soliloquy - Very early in the morning on May 23:
I promise god, I swear to you
[Speaking to OS]
I found my life between you and mama I swore that I would not go down without helping you and her succeed. Anything you need is done anything you need yours
I made a vow while I was under that I would keep you safe and I meant it by god I mean it no more asking no more doing no more ... I should be able to do this I am 25 26 years old you need something i am at your doorstep quickly. Dad I need you in my life. Its my turn to give back more to you. The airy place* what he gets he wants
How do I .... oh god you know what I mean daddy you know exactly what... just please just know know get some more heat please
I want a ... because it’s my turn, my dad's turn dad live for this long enough time for him to find a vacation home nice vacation just go just be family all together just family that's all I want is family OK why is it hurting so bad why is it hurting so bad oh my god oh oh oh please everybody just give me help me please just help my I'm not ready to die it’s not my time it’s not my place it’s not I'm not ready please if I screw up send me some kind of truth that I've screwed up I just need to know that my dad is next to me. my mom is already in heaven.... so many I want to save my dad my brother his wife his baby and baby girl on the way I want to be there for her life I want to see her I want to see Jack get 3 years old
take my sins give me another chance I know that in need to do to change I just gotta do it you just gotta put my heart through it please Jesus please I need it now more than ever please dear lord as long as I get the pain off I'll do what it takes dear lord please just take this pain please just don't take me yet I'm not ready I'm not ready I'm not ready to go I several different people just please I want
please Jesus if anything show me that there is something that is there I wonderful good for my father I help him as much as I can around the house maybe not as good as I could be computer games go down slow give a woman a chance to prove herself to prove herself please and forever now Amen please and forever.
oh god please help oh please help
oh what's going on
please god
how many times do you get how many times do you get
I want me to have a son and family too I want to have a happy family too I want to live and I want to have my place in the world I want to have someone to call me mama as they come in the door and I'd love to have die shouldn't be tonight shouldn't be today I think I am beautiful. If I start hating down on myself will it help
I'm ready I'm tired of fighting but I want to see my family in this lifetime I want to see my family I want to be grandmother this all my mother told me she told me if you ever have kids remember your parents
i just want to live until i just want to live just want to live i just want to live i just want to live i just want to live
*”airy place” We think she meant airstrip place. We had been talking about getting another airplane, and finding a place out in the country large enough to have our own grass airstrip.
She died two days later, on May 25, 2015
Before she died, she made me promise I would not let her be forgotten. Her mom had been a genealogy hobbyist, and we made many trips to find old cemeteries. She always wandered around, looking for the graves of children. She wondered what had happened to them, and how sad it was that no one remembered them.
I promised.
She loved our little historic church. She took care of the children in the nursery so their parents could attend services. She was a natural caregiver.
A dream of mine was to set up a bench beside the church, with her name. The dream grew.
Our minister, Fr. Tim, said he had a vision of a meditation garden beside the church. St. Thomas Episcopal Church is a very old historic church. Construction on it had started before the Civil War, and finished shortly afterward. The photograph was taken from a hillside next to the town in 1889. It is looking west.
The garden will be on the west side, where the small house on the far side used to be.
A small group of Kossacks decided to make her memorial happen. Dixiecollie posted a diary on Tuesday, April 3:
At Long Last — A Memorial Bench for the Celtic Lassie
I know nothing about fundraising. Basically, I was advised to open a memorial account for her memorial at our credit union then stand aside and let others do this for her. Somebody created a PayPal account in her name, linked to the new account. The folks at the credit union could not do enough for her. They opened the account and waived all fees.
This is the bare bench, a display model at the monument company. It is 48” long, and 24” deep. The slab it sits on is 22” x 48”.
I met with the designer, and this is the final design. The quote across the top is something she said.
The emblem on the right is the badge of our Highland Clan. The motto, “Virtutis Regia Merces” means “A palace is the reward for valor.” She never missed the highland games, and one year she served as treasurer for the clan association.
The engraving is being done this week. The dedication will be on May 20, three years after her death. This morning, Fr. Tim and I met with the landscape architect who will design a memorable meditation garden in this space:
There is not much else I can say. If it were not for this caring community, this memorial would not have happened. This bench will be the first thing located in the garden. Later, a labyrinth and other objects will be added, all beautifully landscaped. Her bench will be seen by all who pass by, with her invitation to sit and open up your heart.
Thank you.