We’ve heard a lot lately about men acting badly. Too much, actually, to bear. It has revived in my mind memories of men being good, their deeds that I am grateful for, and perhaps sharing some of those grateful memories will help wash away some of the recent darkness. I’m grateful for…
Alan Schwartz
The morning I came to MIT reeling with my husband’s request for a divorce, just six hours before my job seminar, Alan passed me in the long corridor of MIT. He asked, “How are you?”
“Not so good,” I muttered. Alan took me aside to the cafeteria, got me coffee, and listened for an hour. I have no memory of what he or I said; I only remember his instant kindness and patience.
Jeff, Laurie’s husband
That night, I unburdened myself to my best friend, Laurie, and her husband Jeff. We spent three hours over Italian food. I don’t remember what she and I said, but I remember Jeff’s contribution. Every fifteen minutes he would say, “Your husband must be crazy.”
My grandfather
When I was eighteen, my grandfather, 93, a legal scholar, entered his last illness. During my visit with him he took me aside and said, “You — you’ll be the scholar.” He had three grandchildren, my brothers and me. He was born in the Victorian era, but with one sentence he passed on the mantle, clearly content that his granddaughter would be a scholar.
A young African-American man
He and his girl friend passed Tall Papa and me as we were chaining up our bikes, and he murmured, “Y’all make a beautiful couple.”
Instantly I saw us with his eyes. No longer just Tall Papa, lanky, even if you were unkind skinny, myself, rather round — no, instantly we were two silvered haired people glowing with our exercise, laughing and talking together with visible enjoyment of each other. One sentence, and it continues to give off a glow.
The young men who slept with me
As an undergraduate at Brown I sometimes talked about the New England custom of bundling, two young people spending a night together in bed clothed to spend time together. Several agreed that it sounded like a good idea and shared nights that way with me. We talked a lot, we cuddled some, we even slept. Dear hearts (don’t worry — I won’t name names), you will never know what immense healing flowed from your kindness and trustworthiness.
Sheldon Penman
My mentor at MIT took me on after my first post-doc ended abruptly and badly. Sheldon encouraged my initiative, taught me an immense amount, and was a glowing example of a life in science fully lived. I could write several diaries about him alone, but one story will give you a taste. One Saturday morning he and I were both in the lab fairly early. I got an idea for an experiment (as an image — a Kekulé story) and went to try it out on him. He said, “I don’t think it will work. Let’s do it.”
Why was that a powerful response? Because if the experiment did work, it would have significant implications. That dual response — a frank estimate of likelihood and an endorsement that it was worth the risk — gave me a direction to follow as an independent scientist. Oh, and the experiment worked!
Tall Papa
The occasions for gratitude could fill Daily Kos for days. As a frame, the picture at the top was taken from a watch tower on Isle Royale in 2016. We took a similar one in 1982, our first trip to Isle Royale and part of our courtship. He had planned ahead and had the ingredients to make sweet-and-sour spam for our camp dinner. For all the delicious meals between then and now, for all the flowers and fruits you’ve grown, for all the kindness and conversation, and for the laughter, thank you.
These are just a small sample of many more. I know I am not alone in being grateful for good men. Please feel free to share some of your good memories below!