To the Duke and Duchess of Sussex:
Your Graces,
I had the pleasure of watching your lovely wedding in the waiting room at a Pep Boys garage. It was the perfect antidote to a garage waiting room. As the Duchess certainly knows, most garage owners in this country refuse to understand that fifty percent of the nation’s drivers are women. Therefore their waiting rooms are largely devoid of comforts, and reek of motor oil.
I was pleased, therefore, to see flowers, carriages, hats and a lovely wedding on the television.
But what I enjoyed most about your wedding was the total absence of Donald J. Trump.
Wisely, you didn’t put him, or anyone from his unpleasant family, on your guest list. The man is a colossal publicity hog, and most of his children are no better. I certainly wouldn’t want him at my wedding. I don’t blame you for not having him at yours.
But the real joy was the two days I spent without hearing anything about Donald J. Trump.
Seriously, it was so wonderful. The media was entranced with your wedding plans. If Trump tweeted anything, and I’m sure he did, the man doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself. The press ignored it, in favor of speculation on the Duchess’s dress.
It has been three years since I’ve gone that long without hearing something about Mr. Trump. You will never know how lovely it was.
I would also like to thank your grace The Duchess, and your lovely mother, for reminding the world that not all Americans are crude, crass and tasteless. The Trump family hasn’t done the best job of representing our country. You, on the other hand, were magnificent. I hope the next president gives you both medals.
Should Mr. Trump tweet something vulgar and unkind about your graces, I know that His Grace, having served in the British Military, will know a great many colorful British colloquialisms. I hope you will feel free to use them in your reply.
Mr. Trump may not know what you mean, but a great many of us on this side of the Atlantic will, and those who don’t will spend a lot of time online looking up the words.
If you do send him a tweet, Your Grace, I hope you will be so kind as to tell him cobblers from me.
Very Sincerely Yours
Lady Jean De Burg
(That’s from Jane Austen, but you probably knew that.)