From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
What Made Trump Look Like A Bigger Jackass in May
Knives
Javanka
”Spygate”
“Melanie”
Rudy Giuliani
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Giuliani again
Cyrus the Great
His unsecure phone
His idiotic trade war
His Chief of Staff (Again)
His ego on Memorial Day
The way he “hereby demands”
His indifference to Puerto Rico
The difference between HIV and HPV
The difference between “has” and “had”
His lying in front of Naval Academy grads
Every month I say Bullshit Mountain can’t possibly get any higher. And every month the stable genius proves me wrong.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 31, 2018
Note: Today’s C&J is written in French with invisible ink. For your convenience we’ve provided English subtitles, like this one.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til World Environment Day: 5
Days 'til the New Orleans LGBT Pride Parade: 9
Percent of U.S. counties in which food stamps don’t cover the cost of three meals a day, according to Harper’s Index: 99
Percent of Americans who supported marriage equality in 1996, according to Gallup: 27%
Percent of Americans who are cool with gay marriage today: 67%
Estimated number of Starbucks employees who got anti-racial-bias training Tuesday: 175,000
Reduction in smokers among the French over the last year, according to Public Health France: 1 million
-
Stanley Cup Finals: Game 2
Washington 3 Vegas 2
(Series is tied up 1 game apiece)
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment---Twofer!!!
"I don't have any children, so I've decided to claim all the future freedom-fighters and hell-raisers as my kin. I figure freedom and justice beat having your name in marble any day.
Besides, if there is another life after this one, think how much we'll get to laugh watching it all. ... We may not be able to take it with us, but we can still fight for freedom after we're gone."
-
"When politicians start talking about large groups of their fellow Americans as 'enemies,' it's time for a quiet stir of alertness. Polarizing people is a good way to win an election, and also a good way to wreck a country."
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: To the rescue…
-
CHEERS to a portrait in gubernatorial contrasts. Oh, the optics of this don’t look good for Team GOP. While God-appointed Republican Missouri Governor Eric Greitens was resigning from office because he turned out to be a corrupt, sadistic, weird, creepy hypocrite deserving of revocation of whatever military pension or rank he may hold, Democratic Governor Ralph Northam of Virginia was doing some practice quill-dips to ready himself for the signing of a rather important bill:
Medicaid expansion is all but a reality in Virginia after the state Senate voted Wednesday to provide health coverage to as many as 400,000 low-income residents of the Old Dominion.
The majority-GOP Senate passed the measure with the votes of all 19 Democrats along with a handful of Republican senators, bringing a six-year debate over whether Virginia should accept funding from the Affordable Care Act to expand Medicaid nearly to a close. The state House of Delegates, also controlled by Republicans, will have to vote on the measure and is expected to adopt it. […]
Once the bill becomes law, Virginia will join 32 states and the District of Columbia in expanding Medicaid. Almost 400,000 Virginians may qualify for health coverage as a result, according to the state’s Department of Medical Assistance Services.
Hey, I have an idea. Instead of calling Virginia a commonwealth, maybe after the signing they should call it a…wait for it…commonhealth! (What can I say? Once a marketing genius, always a marketing genius.)
CHEERS to crashing the “gate.” Oh, you arrived just in time! We’re all watching the worst president ever’s self-described “Spygate” scandal take its last breaths. Listen: “Sputter Sputter Sputter … Cough Cough … Grandma, is that you? ... Gack! … Rosebud.” Oh, that was just dandy!
Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC),the chairman of the House Oversight Committee, said on Tuesday that the FBI’s use of an informant for the Trump campaign in 2016 was appropriate, joining top Democrats in disputing President Donald Trump’s characterization of the informant as a spy. […]
In recent days, Trump has parroted misleading claims about the FBI’s use of the informant as part of its counter-intelligence investigation into Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, dubbing the individual a “spy” and referring to the controversy as “Spygate.”
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), who sits on the Senate Intelligence Committee, has also backed Gowdy’s and other congressional leaders’ characterization of the FBI’s activities as part of the counter-intelligence investigation.
The deceased non-scandal will now be tossed over a cliff. There will be no funeral. In lieu of flowers, flip Trump the bird and vote for Democrats up and down the ticket on November 6th.
CHEERS to Helpful Hints from Billy’s Breakfast Nook. Hi, everyone! It’s me, your old pal Breakfast Nook Billy, coming to you LIVE from---where else, Silly?---the C&J breakfast nook. And I’ve got a great and timely helpful hint for you today: if you’re planning to toast marshmallows over an open volcano, the first thing you should do is disable the web site of the U.S. Geological Survey and chain up all its personnel in the basement so they can’t ruin all your fun by telling you not to toast marshmallows over an open volcano. Also: don’t forget the Graham crackers and chocolate slabs for delicious S’mores---you’ll fall in “lava” with them Ha Ha Ha! Now run along, and join us tomorrow when I’ll teach you how to harness the beauty of that same volcano to make your neighbor’s MAGA hat disappear…on another edition of Helpful Hints from Billy’s Breakfast Nook!
CHEERS to high times. GREAT NEWS for Hillary supporters! After struggling for what seemed like an eternity, a bruised and battered Hillary finally, finally found a way to reach the top and savor sweet victory despite the crushing odds and skeptics' sneers. It was incredible. The world rejoiced at the sound of Hillary's name!! "Hooray, Hillary, hooray! We love Hillary!" Yes, it all happened 65 years ago this week, when Sir Edmund Hillary and his Sherpa, Tenzing Norgay, became the first humans to reach the top of Mount Everest. Why are you looking at me like that?
JEERS to turbulent times ahead. On the heels of the news that the death toll from Hurricane Maria ended up being around 70 times higher than what the Trump administration continues to assert, here we go again. Enjoy the next 16 hours, all you gulf- and east-coasters, because the 2018 hurricane season starts tomorrow. The NOAA forecast suggests it’ll be another active one:
Forecasters predict a 35 percent chance of an above-normal season, a 40 percent chance of a near-normal season, and a 25 percent chance of a below-normal season for the upcoming hurricane season, which extends from June 1 to November 30.
NOAA’s forecasters predict a 70-percent likelihood of 10 to 16 named storms (winds of 39 mph or higher), of which 5 to 9 could become hurricanes (winds of 74 mph or higher), including 1 to 4 major hurricanes (category 3, 4 or 5; with winds of 111 mph or higher). An average hurricane season produces 12 named storms, of which 6 become hurricanes, including 3 major hurricanes.
We already have our first named storm: Alberto, which is dumping a bunch of H2O as it meanders up north. And as a reminder, here are the remaining names associated with the Hurricane Class of 2018 in an easy-to-remember format I’ve created exclusively for C&J readers:
Beryl of Fun, Chris Walken Needs More Cowbell, Debby Downer, Ernesto “Che” Guevara, Florence Henderson, Gordon Lightfoot, Helene Cooper, Isaac from The Love Boat, Joyce to the World, Kirk to the Bridge, Leslie Nielsen, Michael Row Your Boat F*cking Faster to Outrun This Hurricane, Nadine Was Only A Mildly Amusing 1987 Movie, The Oscar Goes To, Patty Cake, Rafael Nadal, Sara Gilbert is Out of a Job Again, Tony Robbins is a Grifter, Valerie is a Decent Steve Winwood Song, and last but not least: William in Portland Maine.
If the last two letters of the alphabet are needed, NOAA will use the usual "You've Gotta Be Shitting Me, Another One???" and "Zombie Hurricane Season from Hell.”
CHEERS to cheers. Michael and I thank you for all the nice comments made here yesterday about our 25th anniversary as official ambassadors to Sodom and Gomorrah. But how strange that we didn’t get a greeting card from Franklin Graham, James Dobson or Tony Perkins. Probably got lost by the failing Post Office, believe me, believe me.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: May 31, 2008
JEERS to being a real pain in the neck. Y'know, when an ad campaign crosses a clear line of bad taste or deception, complaining is perfectly legitimate.
But when right-wing pied piper Michele Malkin and her loyal rat followers accuse Dunkin Donuts of supporting terrorism because their spokesperson---Rachael Ray---wears a scarf, that's off-the-charts nutso. Even worse, Dunkin Donuts pulled the ad, a tacit admission that, yeah, maybe we were sending a message to al Qaeda that they should pop in for a free latte and a ham, egg and cheese croissant. Never mind that terrorists also tend to wear shoes! And socks! And jeans! And shirts! And underwear! So, taking this to its logical conclusion: anyone wearing clothing in an ad is a terrorist, therefore all ads can now only show naked people. Strangely, we have no objection to that.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to a guy who classed up the republic. Here's your brain food for the day, courtesy of birthday boy Walt Whitman, born May 31, 1819:
“This is what you shall do;
Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”
Whew. I think I need a cigarette.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Jim Bakker Knows In His ‘Spirit’ That 100 Hit Duckies Have Been Hired To Kill Bill in Portland Maine
---Right Wing Watch
-