Depression sucks, especially when the thing that underlies the depression is never resolved and keeps popping up again and again.
The first time that I ever fell in love was back in high school. I will not go into specifics but suffice it to say falling in love with a straight man, if you are gay, is painful.
It resulted in a whole lot of mess….it sprang board into me coming out during my senior year in high school and the joys that caused. He was OK with it, but then we had to stop being friends as more and more people learned my feelings towards him and started to make his life miserable. I cannot blame him from distancing himself from me.
We had mutual friends so I was up to date at times as to how he was doing, getting married etc. I was happy for him that he found someone for him, and we’ve talked once, online, since high school 30 years ago and he and I are friends are facebook and he feels flattered that I felt/feel the way I did, but of course he cannot and did not reciprocate it
But no matter what I do or try over the many years I cannot shake the feelings that I had/have for him. It doesn’t help that I have the same recurring dreams about him. I wake up and feel just as lost, depressed and everything as I did when the whole episode started.
Its easy to say “Just get over it”…. I have tried every way I can. But for some reason nothing I seem to do works and it just drags me back down into the tribulations of depression. No one I have dated since then compares to me as good as him. I am constantly finding faults in the people I dated saying “he is not….” and so we eventually break up. I’ve not dated since 2005 since it is not worth the grief anymore.
I write this not out of sympathy, but just I needed to unburden myself and see if anyone else has ever felt this way.