From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Go, Kids, Go!
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From The Guardian’s live updates:
8:50ET: Guardian sources have confirmed that eighth boy has been rescued from the flooded cave.
Two more boys have been rescued from the Tham Luang cave complex in Northern Thailand, officials have told the Guardian. Six boys have been rescued and six more and their coach remain in the cave.
Four boys were rescued [yesterday] from the Tham Luang caves in Chiang Rai province.
When they reached the surface, the divers turned and hugged the boys, who wore full-face scuba masks, after completing the 3.2km journey through the muddy, jagged cave
The operation proceeded much faster than expected due to the walkable water level in the cave after it was launched at 10am local time on Sunday
The best of humanity in action. Hoping for success.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, July 9, 2018
Note: Due to a delay in our condiment delivery truck, the C&J cafeteria will be substituting pickles with crawdad spleens from the biology lab next door. Not sure what we're replacing the ketchup with yet, but I’m sure Gladys will find something over there. Have a great day. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 120
Days 'til the Delaware State Fair: 10
Approximate number of children in “the care of the U.S. government” who are still separated from their parents: 3,000
Amount that Affordable Care Act supporters have spent on pro-ACA ads this cycle, the first time they’ve spent more than the anti-ACA forces, according to FiveThirtyEight: $13,950,400
Expected rise in ACA premiums in Maine this year, versus analysts’ original expectations of 16 percent: 9%
Population of the city of Sheffield, England, whose mayor, 28-year-old Magid Magid, says Trump is not welcome there when he visits Britain this week: 570,000
Total home runs hit by brothers Hank (755) and Tommie Aaron (13) in the majors: 768
World Cup Soccuh
England 2 Sweden 0
France 2 Uruguay 0
Belgium 2 Brazil 1
Croatia 2 (4) Russia 2 (3)
(No I don't get all the parentheses either.)
((Neither do I. Can we play Jarts now PLEASE???))
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The terrifying beast has a name…..
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CHEERS to a helluva way to wake up. Screw politics for a second. It’s Monday and we’re all still trying to regain consciousness. Just take in the morning view, courtesy of astronaut Ricky Arnold, who snapped this over the Amazon rainforest “a place where you can see the Earth breathe”…
So calming…peaceful….placid….life-affirming. Okay, now back to our regularly-scheduled narrative: Trump is still president, the world is on fire, the robots control humanity and we're all gonna die. You’re right...we should stare at the pic a little longer.
JEERS to our new overlord in black. About 12 hours from now---at 9pm---the gangster-in-chief will nearly rip the arm off a Federalist Society star chamber-approved A-lister as he gleefully shakes the hand of his replacement for Anthony Kennedy on the Supreme Court.
His pick will be clean-cut, well-coifed, dressed in clothing made of the finest fibers, twinkly-of-eye, aw-shucks-of grin, and effortlessly masking the pure venom that resides in his or her rotten, brainwashed soul. Much sturm and drang will follow, most of it focused on poking Maine Senator Susan Collins with enough sticks to get her to make human-like gurgling sounds before she votes for Mr.or Mrs. Banality O. Evil, knowing full-well that it will lead to the further erosion of, if not outright repeal of, Roe v. Wade and a dozen other time-honored precedents. On the bright side, though, guess what? It’s also Sugar Cookie Day:
”As Harold took a bite of Bavarian Sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be okay. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy…there are Bavarian Sugar Cookies.”
---Writer/Director Zach Helm
True. As long as you wash ‘em down with enough Jack ‘n Cokes and leftovers in your pill drawer throughout the day to knock you out tonight around 8:59.
JEERS to going out with a bing. Oh dear...when you're a fierce and legendary general who becomes President of the United States, it's gotta be a little embarrassing to die from eating bad fruit. But that's what happened on July 9, 1850 to "#12" Zachary Taylor. I believe his last words were: "Bad cherries??? No...effing...way. Seriously, guys, this is a joke, right?" Sorry, dude---life is cruel. Pay your respects here. And then try to remember who succeeded him without going to the Google or the Wiki. (Hint: it wasn't Millard Fillmore. Oh, wait, yes it was. Crap...I meant to write Gerald Ford. I suck at this.)
JEERS to a not-so-fond bon voyajee. The most corrupt administration official in modern history---EPA director Edward S. “Scott” Pruitt---finally got the boot from the most corrupt president in modern history last week.
Bloomberg reports that “Pruitt didn’t want to leave his post and was described as being devastated that he had to resign.” But resign he did, leaving behind his cone of silence, his red-light-blowing security detail, his tactical pants, his first-class vacations masquerading as business trips, and his all-you-can-eat binges in the White House cafeteria. (But not before hoisting the middle finger at America’s collective lungs one more time by lifting regulations on super-polluting freight trucks.) C&J has obtained an exclusive recording of the rank-and-file employees at EPA saying farewell to their leader:
“Rot in hell, prick.”
“You’re the worst.”
“We baked you a cake: asbestos with superfund sludge frosting.”
“Dirtbag.”
“May the asthma be with you.”
“F*ckwad.”
“Tell us where you’ll be buried so we can dance on your grave.”
“Hey, now, c’mon---we are not going to dance on your grave. That is so wrong. We agreed by a majority vote to spit on your grave.”
Oops, I’m sorry. Wrong transcript. Those are the actually the welcome statements for his successor, Andrew Wheeler. The farewell statements to Pruitt are unprintable.
CHEERS to Yankee Ingenuity. On this date in 1872, the doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Maine. But only after his early attempts to market it as the Ronco Miracle Circumcision Wizard failed to catch on.
JEERS to bad birthday boys. O.J. Simpson turns 71 today. And for some strange reason, no one will be within a mile of his house when he cuts the cake.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 9, 2008
FAREWELL to the Fourth Amendment. [Let us bow our heads.] Today the United States Senate will do a very bad thing that it knows is very bad. Today it will pass the new FISA bill with retroactive immunity for the phone companies that colluded with the Executive Branch to spy on innocent Americans from coast to coast without probable cause. It will blithely exonerate a lawbreaking president and endorse a breach of public trust so great that few Americans would believe it even if they had an inkling of what was going on. So, for old time's sake, let us recite the now-defunct words:
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Farewell, old friend. You were...comfortable. Like an old sweater. I hope we one day meet again. As for you Congress, I say with all due respect: SCREW YOU. Okay, coroner...pack the 4th in ice and cue the pipes.
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And just one more…
JEERS to swelter skelter. How do you people in the south live with this shit?? It was in the 90s last week with 140% humidity and something called a "dewpoint" that caused storm clouds to form in our living room. More on the way this week. Thankfully, we Mainers have a handbook on how to deal with insufferable summer weather, and it's worth revisiting. Step 1: put long johns in the freezer overnight. Step 2: affix ice cubes to earmuffs with rubber bands. Step 3: Drink 'til you pass out and pray a cold front moves through while you're unconscious. If anyone asks what the sweetest sound in the English language is today, my answer is: "September."
Oh, and happy birthday to Tom Hanks. Ten years later, I still approve his message. Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“It's nice to see a Cheers and Jeers column that seems intended to amuse us more than it's designed to beat us into submission.”
---Robert Denerstein
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