From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh, Hey
It's me. Billeh! But as of today you can just call me Captain Courageous Laparoscopic Avenger Man! Captain CLAM for short. I live in a shell now, make occasional squirty noises, and live in fear that giant seagulls will eat me. In other words: same guy, new superhero name. And in case you haven't guessed, my breakfast this morning was Cap'n Crunch fortified with Oxycodone.
When last we met, I had a full-size human stomach chuggin' and churnin' and doin' that stomach thing stomachs do. But through the miracle of magic, with a little help from a $49 Bully-brand 14-guage 7-inch post hole digger that my surgeon wields like a Ninja, if Ninjas dug post holes in people's stomachs, I now have---[waggles hands wildly and pulls handkerchief from in front of belly]---a slightly smaller stomach and my tumor has disappeared!!
As a special bonus, I also feel like I just got a bariatric stomach-stapling operation for free, guaranteeing me years of satisfying weight loss even while I sleep!!! Thanks, again, Obamacare!
I'm on drugs, people. I shouldn't be here. But the show must go on, no matter how mediocre. A huge thank you to everyone who sent me your thoughts and prayers of the non-mass-shooting variety, and kept me company on social media over the last week. It's good to be back.
P.S. FOR SALE: one Bully-brand post hole digger. 14-gauge, 7”. Slightly used. Surgeon not included. $48 or best offer.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Note: Today is National False Accusation Day. Or at least it was until you stole it.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 48
Days 'til the Mountain Harvest Festival in Paonia, Colorado: 8
Current size of the federal budget deficit for this fiscal year, due in large part to the Republican tax cuts for the rich: $895 billion
Current number of detained migrant children in the U.S., the highest level ever recorded: 12,800
Percent of Americans who now identify as a white Christian, versus 81% in 1976, according to a recent Public Religion Research Institute poll: 43%
Portion of U.S. teens who say they've vaped marijuana from an E-cigarette: 1-in-11
Number of hydrogen-powered trains, emitting only water and steam, that just started running in northern Germany in place of diesel trains: 2
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 4 floods and 1 early grand design for the shape of the Trump Monument on the National Mall). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Mel's life-saving fetcher Godric (with bonus awesome Rosa Parks-themed t-shirt)…
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CHEERS to the only words that need to be said---no more, no less. Assuming all the people involved get coordinated for their appearances, alleged attempted prep-school rapist and Trump's Supreme Court pick Brett Kavanaugh will be grilled about the aforementioned attempted rape accusation against him on Monday in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. The accuser: Christine Blasey Ford. And one thing we know for damn sure is that the Republicans are going to be in full Anita Hill-style smear mode. But things are different now. Senator Mazie Hirono, one of four women on the committee (along with Amy Klobuchar, Diane Feinstein, and Kamala Harris, all Democrats), makes that unambiguously clear in language the XY set will understand:
Chance of that actually happening: oh, take a guess.
CHEERS to the wisdom of the Kossack poll taker. With Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort's guilty pleas and flippity-flip agreement with Robert Mueller (boy, was that a sweet story to follow all day on my teeny-tiny hospital room TV while under the influence of awesome drugs), I thought you might enjoy seeing your magical prognosticating skills at work. One year ago today, our C&J poll question asked: "In all likelihood, Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort will…" There were three options, and here's how the 2,800 votes broke:
1) Stays mum, gets convicted and goes to prison, taking one for the team: 13%
2) Spills the beans on his Trumpian overlords: 68%
3) Escapes to South America, never to be seen again: 19%
He kinda did #1 and #2, didn’t he? Got busted by a jury in Virginia, then spilled the beans before his D.C. trial could begin. Good calls, people! Personally, I remember voting #3, fully expecting to see news of a 20-foot-long anaconda dragging a telltale pink tie behind it in the Amazon jungle. Happy to be wrong! (But, at the same time, just a bit disappointed.)
CHEERS to the Maine senator who makes Susan Collins look like a slug under a rock. Seventy years ago this week, on September 18, 1948, Margaret Chase Smith from the GREAT STATE OF MAINE became the first woman elected to the United States Senate---without completing a term started by another senator---when she beat Democrat Adrian Scolten. (Her campaign slogan was a bit clunky: "My Sentiments Are With Margaret Chase Smith.")
It also made her the first woman to be both a U.S. representative and senator, and in 1964 she became the first woman to have her name placed in nomination for president. She came in second. Or as the menfolk in the modern GOP still like to say: "As it should be."
CHEERS to G-d's Amazing 25-Hour Miracle Diet. The Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur started at sundown (which in Maine is, like, 6 O'clock now) and continues through today. According to C&J's go-to guide, Torah Tots…
Yom Kippur is a Shabbat...no work can be performed on Yom Kippur.
It is well-known that you are supposed to refrain from eating and drinking (even water) on Yom Kippur. It is a complete, 25+ hour fast beginning before sunset on the evening before Yom Kippur and ending after nightfall on the day of Yom Kippur. The Talmud also specifies additional restrictions: washing and bathing, anointing one's body (with cosmetics, perfumes, etc.), marital relations and wearing leather shoes.
The holiday is a somber one during which Jews confess their sins and seek forgiveness over the course of a day. That's why I'm not Jewish---I'd barely get started before the closing buzzer went off.
JEERS to deep-sixing #20. On September 19, 1881, President James Garfield died, 80 days after some disgruntled jerk whipped out a couple guns and shot him in the back. True story: Alexander Graham Bell tried to locate the bullet using his new invention, the metal detector:
As the doctors struggled to understand the extent of Garfield's wounds, Bell, inventor of the telephone, used this machine to try to locate the bullet. When found, the machine was to send a sound to the attached telephone receiver.
Despite attempts on July 26 and August 1, 1881, Bell could not situate the bullet.
Turns out the steel springs in Garfield's bed rendered it useless. It's also unfortunate that his doctors weren't terribly familiar with the word "hygiene." Someday we'll be able to joke about it. But not today---after only 137 years, it’s too soon.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 19, 2008
CHEERS to the new kid in the Green Zone. General David "Saint" Petraeus turned over the reins to General Ray Odierno this week in Iraq:
There are a number of unresolved issues: Upcoming provincial elections could shift the political balance in Iraq. A plan for Iraq's Shiite government to take over the largely Sunni local security groups could cause sectarian rifts. And the U.S. and Iraq are negotiating a security agreement that will determine their long-term relationship.
Said Odierno: "Yeah, yeah, whatever...where's my body armor?" At least we know he understands priorities.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the swashbucklin' nineteenth. Avast! It's me...Captain Billybeard, swarthy fear-instiller of the deep blue kiddie pool. Today is the most blow-me-downest day of the year: International Talk Like A Pirate Day. And arrrway we go…
Midwestern heartland voter: "Trump's trade war is going to crush the people who make our carrrs!"
American worker: "Thanks to those greedy bastards on Wall Street, I may never get to retarrr!"
Winston Churchill: "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest arrr!'"
Daily Kos blogger: ”My favorite front-pager is Barrrrb.”
Daily Kos blogger with opposing view: “My favorite front-pager is Joan McCarrrrter.”
Buzz Aldrin: "To Marrrrs!"
Americans to Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke: "Stop shrinkin' our parrrrrrks!"
Rapture Fanatic: "Prepare ye for Arrrrmageddon."
Driving instructor: "Put the carrrr in Parrrrk!"
Theatre Critic: "Don’t miss the revival of Streetcarrr Named Desarrr!"
Democratic strategist: "Kamala Harris is a rising starrr!"
Postal abbreviation of Bill Clinton's home state: AR
Trump's legal team: "Ready! Farrr! Aim!"
Thanks for reading. You've been a swarrrthy arrdience.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
This Experiment Will Shoot Candy Corn Particles Through The Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool, Answer Why We Exist
---LiveScience
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