This is my first. Wow. How Ironic. First. HA. FIRST DIARY. I posted about ‘my’ rape, like i will own this till the day i die, and have a few more things to say.
How did this affect me? For the rest of my life? I was 14 in 1969, so naive, i can say with wide eyes looking at you — innocent. I knew nothing but a kiss. I learned of the mechanics from whatever passed for sex ed at the time, and a friend that was Doing It — Her uncle broke her in.
How Naive? The first guy gave me the option of i could give him a blow job. No clue. Uhh ok. I had Never seen a penis. He pulled that out and i BLEW on it. He grabbed my hair and shoved my head back onto the driver’s lap and he got on top. Then he pushed me over the seat into the back seat and switched places with the driver, never slowing down.
So when these guys got on top of me, my thinking mind knew what was up, no pun intended, but my 4’10, 90 lb body had no clue. And since i wouldn’t raise my legs, he punched me in my head.
This all happened out in the corn fields of Indiana, in the back seat of one of those big old cars. if they were here today, they would be voting for trump.
i thought they were gonna kill me. And nobody would find me. And then nobody believed me. 14 Year Old Virgin Claims Rape. See headlines. None.. Cops thought it was a joke. Two of them laughed when i was being questioned.
Since the concept of virginity at marriage was not an option anymore, When they were done and driving back to town I asked ‘’Who will want me now to get married?’’ — They dropped me off at the corner of my block and threatened to kill me if i said anything. i walked to my friend’s house for advice. She locked her door so her Uncle couldn’t come in.
Anyway, since i was now in new territory, with no social value — being sullied and all — i did whatever and whoever i wanted. Lot o wasted years. Lot a good times tho.
I learned: Sex with trusted friends is the best. And men — will open up and spill their guts if they feel safe in your arms, or something like that. I won’t give a number, but A LOT o guys in my book.
And MOST of them shared that they were molested. Raped. Sold as children. Yes. This one guy, we were together 8 years, he was just nuts, but kind and good and just needed stability and safety. His mother pimped him at 3, along with his 3 older siblings. Make anybody crazy. But she had been molested too, her whole childhood. He died of OD early 30’s.
i am serious. I don’t just pick injured stray dogs. i believe sexual abuse is so deeply embedded into the foundation of our society, i am out of words now. Sigh. At every level, societal group, social station, family structure, passed like a disease. And he told two friends, and she told two friends, and they told two friends…..
At 63, i’m alright. I advocate when i can. For what it’s worth. I got a county sheriff bounced from the force when his 16 year old daughter told me he had been raping her for 2 years and she was worried for her little sister. His supervisor told me ‘’we’ll take care of it’’. Right. He retired on a ‘’nervous’’ disability pension. No jail time. The girl left home. That was 1981.