What is Consent?
permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.
We are not teaching our children about consent. Not in life. Not in sex. This must change.
We teach girls to be wary.
“As a society we have a terrible habit of telling girls, ‘You need to learn how to stay safe,’ and stopping there,” says Dr. Dowd, “but that falsely places the entire burden of having a consensual encounter on girls, and implies that if it goes wrong, they’re at fault.” childmind.org/...
We teach boys mechanics. Too often we teach them that sex is about power.
Conversely, she says, boys get the message that sex — having it, or getting it — is tied to being confident, and powerful, and
masculine. For boys, especially during their teen years, these stereotypes are often backed up by media and, even more intensely, by peer pressures. In movies and television shows men are frequently seen strategizing how to trick women into bed. And not taking no for an answer is often portrayed as a successful, and sometimes even romantic, strategy.
These conflicting messages can often set the stage for situations where a girl’s preferences and boundaries are seen as unimportant even before she opens her mouth. childmind.org/...
Our culture equates teenage sexual morality with abstinence.
We should be equating it with consent.
The Brett Kavanaugh/ Bart O’Kavanaugh story tells me that we are especially not teaching our boys about consent. This must change. A boy or man with a strong moral code may figure out what consent is and why it is important on his own, but that we should not be expecting that to happen. This is too important to assume that understanding will happen on its own.
We must start teaching our boys about consent.
And that this is a good thing and necessary thing.
In fact, in life, and especially with sex, consent partnered together with communication is a GREAT thing.
Some Guidelines for TWeens, Teens, & young adults
1. Education about "good touch/bad touch" remains crucial, particularly in middle school. This is an age where various "touch games" emerge: butt-slapping, boys hitting one another in the genitals and pinching each other's nipples to cause pain...When you see it happen, nip it in the bud. This isn't "boys being boys", this is harassment, and sometimes assault.
3. Continue having "sex talks" with middle schoolers, but start
incorporating information about consent...Educating our middle schoolers about consent means we don't have to re-educate them later and break bad habits, perhaps after somebody's been hurt.
4. Nip "locker room talk" in the bud. Middle school is the age where sex-talk begins in gender-segregated environments, like locker rooms and sleep overs. Their crushes and desire are normal and healthy. But as parents and educators, we need to do more than just stop kids from talking about other kids like they're objects. We also need to model how to talk about our crushes as whole people…
5. Explain that part of growing up is having changing hormones, and that hormones sometimes make it hard to think clearly... . But their feelings, desires and needs are no one's responsibility but their own. They still need to practice kindness and respect for everyone around them. www.huffpost.com/...
For a different take with older boys and young men—
Parents, says Dr. Dowd, can help by taking special care to talk to their sons about respectful behavior, and emphasizing their role – and responsibility – in consent.
- Be clear about what confidence really looks like, says Dr. Dowd. “Confident people listen and respect the needs of their partner. Continuing to push when someone says ‘stop’ isn’t cool or powerful, it’s creepy and dangerous.”
- Don’t mince words. Talk frankly with your son about the emotional, personal, social and legal consequences of sexual misconduct.
- Call out negative behavior when you see it. Whether it’s a man catcalling a woman on the street, or a non-consensual scene in a movie or TV show.
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“Consent is everyone’s business,” says Dr. Anderson, “and it’s especially important for boys to hold one another
accountable.” This could be as simple as saying, “Not cool!” when one of his buddies makes a gross comment about a girl at school, or as serious as stopping a friend from taking advantage of someone who’s intoxicated – then helping her get home safely. childmind.org/...
What is Consent?
Consent is a voluntary agreement
to engage in sexual activity.
Consent for any sexual activity must be freely given. Consent cannot be given by someone who is intoxicated, unconscious, or otherwise considered incapable of giving their consent. Consent can also not be freely given if it follows from threats to personal safety, or threats to harm others. www.sexandu.ca/…
As typical adult humans, we want sex. However, even in sex, it’s not all about you. Especially in sex, it is not all about you. (PS- If it really is all about you, then just masturbate to your heart’s content. )
Well, How Does It Work?
Some people are worried that talking about or getting consent will be awkward or that it will “ruin the mood,” which is far from true. If anything, the mood is much more positive when both partners feel safe and can freely communicate about what they want. First off, talk about what terms like “hooking up” or “going all the way” mean to each partner. Consider having these conversations during a time when you’re not being physically intimate.
If you are in the heat if the moment, here are some suggestions of things to say:
Why do we not talk about sex, relationships, and consent?
Consent should not be assumed
Each of us is responsible for making sure we have consent in every sexual situation. If you are unsure, it is important to clarify what your partner feels about the sexual situation before initiating or continuing the sexual activity. Consent should not simply be assumed by:
- Body language, Appearance, or Non-Verbal Communication: One should never assume by the way a person dresses, smiles, looks or acts, that they to have sex with you.
- Dating relationships or previous sexual activity: Simply because two or more people are dating or have had sex in the past does not mean that they are consenting to have sex with you.
- Marriage: Even in marriage, a person should not assume they have consent for sexual activity. Marital rape is as serious as any other sexual assault.
- Previous Activity: Consent to engage in one sexual activity at one time is not consent to engage in a different sexual activity or to engage in the same sexual activity on a later occasion.
- Silence, Passivity, Lack of Resistance, or immobility: A person’s silence should not be considered consent. A person who does not respond to attempts to engage in sexual activity, even if they do not verbally say no or resist physically, is not clearly agreeing to sexual activity.
- Incapacitation: Alcohol consumption or use of other drugs can render a person incapable of giving consent. Alcohol is often used as a weapon to target individuals and is used by perpetrators to excuse their own actions. Additionally, Michigan Criminal Sexual Conduct laws apply to a perpetrator regardless of whether or not they were drinking. It is important to remember that sexual assault is never the survivor's fault, regardless of whether they may have been intoxicated. sapac.umich.edu/…
Wishing all happy healthy loving relationships filled with philos, eros, and agape.
These three Greek words explain the different types of love a human being can acquire. Philia is a love of friendship, which is grounded in commonality. However, eros is a kind of love that seeks something from the other person or thing. Lastly, agape is the love that wills the good of the other and is completely self-giving. www.bartleby.com/...