I need to ask myself why am I writing this, and get to the heart of my reasoning. There are parts of me I never share, and it’s not that I’m a transgender egg, or in the closet gay, though this probably is as emotionally charged. I suppose that would depend on whom I talked to. I suffer from Body Dismorphic Disorder. I can barely write that without feeling fear. I need to let that be, and I’ve only discovered the term for my suffering less than 2 years ago. I’m also one of the lucky few who can manage public interaction, my obsession isn't about my face.
I’ve been wondering since I learned there was a term that fit my obsession, why I care so deeply about Transgender people. I’m an ally to many causes and in the past gave as much time as I could. When I found Dkos, I found Robyn’s Perch, and I read all her diaries and any other that showed up and discussed their transgender life and concerns. Courage has been hard to muster in my life, and reading Robyn and others showed me how dealing with what is a part of me can be written. I find this very difficult, but they’ve shown me steps forward. They’re my heroes, my beacon of hope.
I’ve followed many trans people since Robyn, and felt their courage, their hope, their fear and concerns. I am not persecuted, and I have privilege owing to historical societal norms regarding white males. I have spent my life at the edge of that, using it for others when I can, and barely caring about myself. I do need to care, but that’s another Pandora’s Box of complexity.
There have been many trans people in the news and momentum for change has started. It’s because of the cesspool created by the authoritarian kleptocrat ruining lives from day one, that I have fought harder to keep my focus on the rights of trans people. Because I have never discussed my issues, and I don’t know anywhere discussion exists to help people like me, I sought to stand with those who have a purpose and know what they need.
I have followed a singer in Minnesota for some time, and she has been working with her music for decades. She’s Venus DeMars and she sings songs that make me feel deeply. I’m going to post a YouTube video from last year that someone else I follow linked recently. I need music in my life and I need role models. I’m old enough not to need role models, shrug.
Venus DeMars
I have not explained BDD, and at this point, I must admit it’s still triggering. I’m too new to my therapy about it. I am focusing on other major issues which I alluded to noting that “Pandora’s Box”.
I will use this one link to give the interpretation that I’ve found to be most widely written in scholarly studies: This is a scholarly description of BDD . Please recall I noted I’m not the norm. To me, mine is ignored and insidiously debilitating. I’m not easily found in the scholarly studies, but I have BDD. Those whom are survivors understand what invalidation is, and I’ve had my fill of it. When this manifested around age 11-12 there were no symptoms for me to explain, the bullies made that clear. Erasing me is what they did, and I’ve suffered for 45 years thus far.
I have found that there’s no cure. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Interpretation Bias Therapy, or Pharma Therapy are listed as primary management tools. These include nuances and immersion treatment has become one that’s often suggested. I find it’s something that I’m incapable of, in fact I want to compare it to conversion therapy. I know the harm conversion therapy does, and for me, that’s what immersion feels like. I would rather… Well, that’s writing I always truncate for your imagination, and most will know exactly what I mean.
Thanks for reading.