(SurvivingIdiocracy.com) A source in the White House says there is a good reason why President Trump has been notably absent the past couple of weeks, and it has nothing to do with the Mueller investigation, the midterms, or even Putin blowing him off in France. The answer is short, furry, and comes with its own comb-over.
“Somehow it got through Kelly, I don’t know how,” Leaker #58 says. “One day he’s pounding cheeseburgers and talking about wanting to drive through Mexico to pelt the caravan with tomatoes, and the next he’s huddled with this damned toy plotting strategy for the next two years.”
The “damned toy” is a Trumpy Bear, and the president has been holed up with it for days, barricaded in a spare bedroom deep in the White House.
“Troubled times, you know?” Leaker #58 says. “It seems to comfort him, it really does. Looks like him, doesn’t talk back. He loves that damn bear.”
Sources say the only way aides got President Trump to France was to wait for him to fall asleep and then stick Trumpy Bear on Air Force One. Once in France, the President started his first Trump/Trumpy barricade, locking himself, the bear, and a case of diet Coke in the executive suite washroom.
“You’d hear him in there… ‘You’re cute, no you are… You’re the best president in American history ever! Why thank you Trumpy Bear,’” Leaker #58 says. “A bit creepy, but he isn’t riding anyone’s ass, so we leave him be, right?”
Hearing snoring, staff members finally broke the door down and took the bear away. This led to an angry and sullen Leader of the Free World, who started lashing out at everyone.
“So the Trumpy Bear is in a Paris landfill, and the President is doing some stuff, although seriously, it’s like circumcising a moose to get him to do anything,” Leaker #58 says. “We got him back home, he heads for the TV room, and what’s there? A fucking Trumpy Bear!”
“It was that asshole Pence, I know it was,” says Leaker #13.
The Trump/Trumpy Bear standoff has been ongoing ever since, and while aides are unsure when it will end, they point to one fact that gives them hope.
“Trump eventually hates everything and everyone, so I’m thinking a week tops before all America is scratching their heads and wondering why he’s tweeting about TRUMPY THE LOSER,” says Leaker #58.
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