From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Friday Evening Clemens Blogging
Birthday cheers to "The true father of our national literature." That's how H.L. Mencken described the force of nature that was Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain. If ever there was a person whose bullshit detector went to 11, it was him. Also in his corner: he was anti-slavery, pro-women's rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a supporter of labor unions.
My grandmother's sharp, bone-dry sense of humor was rooted in her childhood absorption of his books, columns and lectures. She would go on to write several Twain reference books, consult with Hal Holbrook on his Tony-winning show Mark Twain Tonight!, and strike up a decades-long friendship with Twain's daughter Clara, who called her "a walking Mark Twain encyclopedia." As a kid I got to spend a couple weeks during summer vacations at her house in suburban Chicago, and I can still hear her clackity-clacking out manuscripts on her tiny electric typewriter in the middle of the night---an insomniac on a mission. It is only by the grace of her Twain-inspired sense of humor that I avoided becoming one of the way-too-many "serious" Harnsbergers. Dodged a bullet there. Thanks, Grams. [Poke!]
In honor of Twain’s 183rd birthday, a few of his thoughts that will never have an expiration date:
“The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.”
“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”
“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”
“My brother had accumulated forty-two brands of Christianity before he was called away.”
“I take my only exercise acting as pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercised regularly.”
“Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.”
“Man is the only animal that blushes---or needs to.”
Pay your respects here. And then donate a few copies of Huck Finn to your local library…just to piss off the book ban freaks.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 30, 2018
Note: Happy happy joy joy it's C&J schedule news!!! We'll post Monday morning as usual, right before we head over to Mercy Hospital for Round #5 of chemotherapy which, four hours later, will leave us cold-sweating, nauseous and, for reasons no one can explain, eight feet taller. So no column on Tuesday. Probably one on Wednesday. Definitely one on Thursday and Friday. Please throw your lives into turmoil accordingly. Thank you. ---The Patient
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til winter: 21
Days 'til the Army-Navy game: 8
Number of unauthorized immigrants living in the U.S. in 2016, the lowest number in more than a decade according to Pew Research, and due mainly to a dramatic years-long decline in illegal border crossings: 10.7 million
Minimum number of teenage immigrants being held in a Trump concentration camp in Tornillo, Texas: 2,324
Number of manufacturing plants in Ohio that Trump vowed would close during his presidency, "I promise you, I promise you": 0
Number of views of the trailer for the live-action Lion King remake in the first 24 hours after its release, a record for a Disney movie: 224.6 million
Length of time it takes to poop out a Lego, according to Smithsonian: 1.71 days
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Friday night soak…
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CHEERS to “entering a whole new phase.” That was Rachel Maddow’s succinct description for what rained down on the Trump crime family’s head yesterday. Or, to slim it down to one word (oh, do click)...
In no particular order: an FBI raid on his Chicago tax guy’s office. Another raid on the only bank (Deutsche Bank) that would loan him money---possibly laundered Russian money. A promise of a $50 million penthouse “gift”---read: bribe---to Vladimir Putin in Trump Tower Moscow (had it been built). There may have been several witnesses lying to congressional committees for the purpose of covering for Trump, and Democrats plan to out them in January. And Mueller now has a lock-down on star witness Michael Cohen via a new guilty plea and confession related to Trump’s Russia business adventures. Wow. With an appetizer like that, I’m gonna need an entire half-gallon of sorbet before the main course.
P.S. Screw Star Wars Episode IX---I’m camping out to see this flick instead...
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CHEERS (because it's important) and JEERS (because it's still necessary) to World AIDS Day. Tomorrow marks 30 years of officially spotlighting and assessing the war on the virus that decimated the gay community and then spread to the straight community with equal viciousness. Today more than 36.9 million people around the world live with HIV or full-blown AIDS. A minimum of 39 million have died from it. UNAIDS says the 30th anniversary of World AIDS Day brings with it optimism, but only if governments (like ours now, sadly) quit dithering and start treating health care as a right, not a privilege:
A new report from UNAIDS shows that intensified HIV testing and treatment efforts are reaching more people living with HIV. In 2017, three quarters of people living with HIV (75%) knew their HIV status, compared to just two thirds (67%) in 2015, and 21.7 million people living with HIV (59%) had access to antiretroviral therapy, up from 17.2 million in 2015. The report shows, however, that 9.4 million people living with HIV do not know they are living with the virus and urgently need to be linked to HIV testing and treatment services. [...]
Access to HIV testing is a basic human right, and UNAIDS is calling for a global commitment to remove the barriers preventing people from testing for HIV, which include eliminating HIV-related stigma and discrimination, ensuring confidentiality in HIV testing and treatment services, deploying an optimal mix of HIV testing strategies to reach the populations most in need, integration with other health services, removing policy and legal barriers hindering access to HIV testing and treatment, expanding access to viral load monitoring in low- and middle-income countries and ensuring access to early infant diagnosis for newborns.
The report demonstrates that implementing these measures will hugely advance progress towards ensuring that all people living with and affected by HIV have access to the life-saving services they need.
By the way, the last time the 54-ton AIDS quilt could be displayed in its entirety was 1996, and if laid out today it would cover more than 1,293,300 square feet. Not coincidentally, tomorrow is also Give A Virus The Finger Day. Knock yerself out.
CHEERS to Menorahpalooza. This weekend will be one of dread in my neck of the woods, as I become what my neighbors fear most: an Episcopalian brandishing a dreidel and a platter of my homemade latkes topped with fresh fire extinguisher foam. So far I've taken out six windows, two lampposts and a hedge with the former, and made the old lady down the street use her supplemental dental insurance with the latter. We trust things will be a little more peaceful where you are when the Jewish holiday starts Sunday at sundown. Which reminds me...
It was just before Hanukkah and Miriam was giving directions to her grown-up grandson, who was coming to visit for the first time since she'd moved to her new apartment.
"Come to the front door," Miriam said. "There's a panel at the door. Use your elbow to push button 3A and I'll buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on your right. Get in the elevator and user your elbow to press the third-floor button. When you get out, my apartment is on the left. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I'll open the door for you."
"Grandma, that sounds easy," said the grandson. "But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
Replied Miriam: "You're coming to visit empty handed?"
Happy Channuka, Channukah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanuko, Hannuka, Hannukah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Kanukkah, Khannuka, Khannukah, Khanuka, Khanukah, Khanukkah, and Xanuka!!! Or, in the immortal words of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: “Molotov!”
CHEERS to crossing the finish line (with more than a few gobs of seaweed up our nose). Southerners and East Coasters rejoice! As of today your 2018 Atlantic hurricane season is officially over. A glance back (pdf)...
The 2018 Atlantic hurricane season was slightly above average and had more activity than what was predicted by our later updates. The climatological peak months of the hurricane season were characterized by an extremely quiet August, a very active early September, near-average hurricane activity for the second half of September and an active October.
Two hurricanes brought death and devastation to the United States. Hurricane Florence broke statewide rainfall records from a TC for both North and South Carolina. The new record for North Carolina is 35.93” while the old record was 24.06” from Hurricane Floyd in 1999. The new record for South Carolina is 23.63” while the old record was 18.51” from Tropical Storm Jerry in 1995. Hurricane Michael was the first Category 4 hurricane to make landfall in the Florida Panhandle on record.
"Heckuva Job Donny" Trump’s disaster management skills were nearly as AWOL as they were last year. He made perfunctory appearances, sent out self-congratulatory tweets, and basically showed all the compassion of a…well, a dotard hurling rolls of paper towel to the homeless and hungry. Meanwhile, the NOAA 2019 hurricane season forecast comes out next May. But other than blizzards, ice storms, tornadoes, nor'easters, mudslides, droughts and Republicans still in charge of the Senate, we're in the clear.
P.S. A harsh reminder that earthquake season never ends:
Hang in there, Alaska. Trump says he’s using every watt of his Very Fine Brain power to help you guys. But I’m sure you’ll pull through this anyway.
CHEERS to bulldogs with brains. Happy 144th birthday to Sir Winston Churchill. For all his faults, ya gotta admit: he kicked ass against the Crazy Corporal and Il Duce and remains one of the world's most steadfast crisis managers. Speaking of which, here's a li'l message on leadership that our current commander-in-chief might want to pay attention to (and remember, Trump worships Churchill):
"Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events."
Pay your respects here. And marvel at how some people can smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, and eat like a pig...and still live to be 91. Neat trick.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Remember the days when the TV had to "warm up" for, like, 60 seconds or more before it would even think of giving you a picture, and the channel changer went ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK? Ha ha, good times!
Tonight we get the weekend viewing off to a schadenfreudalistic start with Trump crime syndicate coverage on MSNBC’s All In, The Rachel Maddow Show, and The Last Word. And don’t miss Michelle Obama when she drops by to chat with Stephen Colbert on The Late Show. New home video releases include the rom-com Dog Days and a new release of the cheesy 80s Critters trilogy. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Claire Foy (The Crown, First Man) hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: a man goes from criminal to opera star. (Wild guess: he spent his time behind bars at Sing Sing. Ha Ha Ha!!!) And the Victoria's Secret Holiday Fashion Show airs Sunday night at 10 on ABC. I admit it: the only reason I watch is to see a multi-model pileup on the runway. Sue me.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup. Seems to be a good week for Democratic senators.
Meet the Press: Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY); Sen. John Barasso (R-WY).
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Secretary of State (Really??? Seriously??? That guy???) Mike Pompeo; Whaaaa??? TWO Democratic senators and ONE Republican senator??? That’s also a first! Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA), Jon Tester (D-MT), and Bob Corker (R-TN) weigh in on this and that.
CNN's State of the Union: Whaaaa??? TWO Democratic senators and NO republican senators??? That’s a second. Sherrod Brown (D-OH) and Mark Warner (D-VA) weigh in on Russiagate and other Republican skullduggery while promoting the superior Democratic agenda. If they do it with jazz hands, so much the better.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: SecState Mike Pompeo; Sen. Ben Cardin (D-MD); Gen. Jack Keane, Retired 4-Star General; Michele Flournoy, former Undersecretary of Defense.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 30, 2008
CHEERS to the first BIG scandal. Barack Obama announced more appointments yesterday and took a few questions from reporters. The overall effect of his "new direction" isn't settling well, says Andy Borowitz:
In the first two weeks after the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the last eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.
But Mr. Obama’s decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring. According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a president who speaks English as if it were his first language.
One thing we know for sure: the first book of "Obamaisms" will be a one-sided pamphlet.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to another trip around the, um---[frantically googles “Earth” + “Revolves Around”]---the SUN! Gotta get in an early Happy Birthday shoutout to my partner Michael (aka "Common Sense Mainer" here at the Great Orange Satan), who turns a year better Sunday. Young enough to not be eligible for Social Security, old enough to get AARP Magazine delivered every month like clockwork. Y'know, I could delve into the ancient history archives and make him feel old by revisiting life in the Primordial Ooze of America waaaaay back on December 2, 1962…
Kennedy was president
Tuition to Harvard cost $1,250
The first Beatles song was released
Gas was 28 cents per gallon
To Kill A Mockingbird and Lawrence of Arabia were released in theatres
John Glenn orbited the earth
Average Cost of new house: $12,500
The Berlin wall was fresh and new
Johnny Carson began his reign as king of late night TV
…but I won't. Too much of a cliché. Besides, the little bastard still gets carded when he buys liquor. Like, seriously carded. That's some good genes right there. So I'll just say Happy Birthday, Cutie---and many blessings on your camels.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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