From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Woo-hoo! We're Getting A New Governor!
In 30 days, Democrat Janet Mills will take the oath of office as Maine's 75th governor, and we're pretty darn excited up here, ayuh. For starters, she'll be the first woman to lead our state since our divorce with Massachusetts in 1820. And with solid Democratic majorities controlling the House and Senate, she's poised to do a lot of great things in the areas of health care, green energy, education, the opioid crisis, technology, and environmental protection. At the same time, there are also a lot of things she won't do that our current Republican governor has done so gleefully. For example…
She won’t entertain any bills written by the evil corporate shills at ALEC
...or pack her administration with know-nothing cronies and slimy lobbyists
...or diddle in the face of catastrophic climate change
...or try to gut our open records law
...or be under investigation by the U.S. Department of Labor for bullying employees
...or tell the NAACP to kiss her butt
...or make anal rape jokes into reporters' microphones (or anywhere else)
...or claim that chemicals shouldn’t be regulated if all they do is "make women grow little beards"
...or call up a legislator in the middle of the night and repeatedly call him or her a "c*cksucker"
...or declare war on labor unions
...or slobber over the prospect of building oil rigs off the Maine coast
...or openly prefer the death of drug addicts to treatment for drug addicts
...or vilify immigrants for political gain
...or write response letters to constituents that are filled with insults and typos
...or refuse to sign a bill that would outlaw the psychological torture practice known as "gay conversion therapy"
...or refuse to expand Medicaid despite a voter referendum and multiple court orders
...or claim that "half the time [drug dealers from out of state] impregnate a young white girl before they leave."
There are dozens of additional "ors" I could list. But you get the idea. On January 2nd, we're trading in our nation's #1 goobernatorial buffoon for a whip-smart, competent, forward-looking civil servant to head up our executive branch. That means you can cancel your boycotts and visit again, America. To coin a phrase: on November 6th we made Maine great again.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 3, 2018
Note: [Rubs sleepy dust from eyes with all the cuteness of a week-old kitten] Meow. This will be our last C&J for at least 48 hours, as moments from now we'll be thumbing a ride on the party bus to the oncology wing of Mercy Hospital, where we'll belly up the bar for another shot of Fluorouracil with an Irinotecan chaser. We'll do our best to post on Wednesday, but will definitely bring you our unique brand of mediocrity on Thursday and Friday. In our absence, please form a caravan and seek asylum in the Abbreviated Pundit Roundup, Elections Digest, New Day Café, and Good News Roundup. They'll accept you with open arms and free candy canes. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Robert Mueller files a court memo providing details about his investigation into former national security adviser and American traitor Michael Flynn, who will likely be in jail this time next year: 1
Days 'til the Cherrywood Art Fair at Maplewood Elementary School in Austin: 5
Estimated number of uninsured children in America, the highest level in a decade, according to Georgetown University's Center for Children and Families: 3.9 million
Percent of those children who live in states like Florida, Texas and Georgia that refuse to expand Medicaid: 75%
Minimum number of aftershocks in Alaska registering at least 3.0, according to the U.S. Geological Survey: 166
Minimum number of minutes the Hanukkah candles should burn each night: 30
Percent chance that things are going well for defendant James Fields Jr., who killed Heather Hoyer and injured 35 others with his car in Charlottesville, in his trial: 0%
Totally Random NFL Score
New England Patriots 24 Minnesota Vikings 10
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Puppy Pic of the Day: 13,000-year-old dog toy…
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CHEERS to December. The year's glorious, sparkling, musical, snow-bedecked, bell-ringing, Norman Rockwellesque grand finale! Bring on the swans a' swimming, sharpen your dreidel tips and polish your Festivus pole! Bring on today's OSIRIS-REx rendezvous with the Bennu asteroid ('round noon EST)! Bring on the merciful end of the 115th Congress (last day in session is the 13th)! Bring on the full "Cold Moon" (the 22nd)! Bring on the winter solstice! Bring on C&J’s 15th anniversary! Bring on more Trump administration indictments! Bring on the Grammy nominations (Wednesday)! Bring on Mary Poppins and Aquaman. Oh, and check the expiration date on the eggnog that's been sitting in the back of your fridge since 1999 before you take a swig. (If it's turned semi-solid, you can still use it to patch potholes in your driveway.) And settle your differences with 2018 because in 29 days it is out the door and ain't comin' back. I believe I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say: "God bless us, one and all!"
JEERS to December. The year's stress-filled, bone chilling, dark-by-3, be-cheerful-or-else, and oh-here comes a-giant-blizzard grand finale. The Harry Simeone choir will make curmudgeons' ears bleed with enough pa-rum-pum-pum-pums to choke a horse, and you just know there are even more beloved mega-celebrities who will inconvenience us by dying this month. There’s the Pearl Harbor anniversary to remind us how few of our WW II heroes remain above ground (RIP, torpedo bomber ace George H.W. Bush). As Republicans wage their fake War On Christmas, our cat will ramp up her real War On Christmas Tree Ornaments. With Republicans still in control of the entire legislative branch until next month, the wise among us will forgo candy canes and instead hang holiday-themed Prozac dispensers. And I just guzzled a bunch of eggnog before checking the expiration date. Nice knowin’ ya. I believe I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say: "Bah humbug."
CHEERS to putting the Big D back in democracy. Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Democrats formally unveiled the first bill they intend to pass when they take over the majority in January. I just assumed it was going to unleash socialist Marxist commieism upon the land, make George Soros a living god, raise taxes by eleventy billion percent, make all the kids gay, and totally surrender to the U.N.'s---[THUNDER CLAP!!!]---Agenda 21. I appear to have been just a bit off the mark, which is crazy because I have one of the really great brains and I'm very, very smart, believe me, believe me. But there it is:
House Democrats on Friday unveiled a sweeping reform proposal that would create automatic voter registration and enact campaign finance and ethics changes, the first bill they plan to push when they take charge of the chamber next year. […]
A summary of the bill released Friday includes broad changes to federal campaign and ethics laws. It would create national automatic voter registration, call to “end partisan gerrymandering,” require “all political organizations” to disclose donors and overhaul the Federal Election Commission. It would also revamp federal ethics laws, including mandating the disclosure of the president’s tax returns, which President Donald Trump has so far refused to do.
"It's a once-in-a-generation opportunity to make a bold, proud declaration back to the American people that we get it, we hear you, we want to give you your voice back," [said] Rep. John Sarbanes (D-MD), who chairs the Democracy Reform Task Force.
Contrast that with the last Republican H.R. 1, which was introduced in 2017. Its highlight, and I quote: "Establishes an oil and gas leasing program for the Coastal Plain of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) in Alaska." But in fairness, they also granted full voting rights to oil rigs. So don’t act so smug, libturds.
JEERS to today’s edition of Things That Would Go Better With the Benny Hill Theme. Courtesy of the BBC:
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This has been today’s edition of Things That Would Go Better With the Benny Hill Theme.
CHEERS to slaying Ann Coulter's idol. Sixty-four years ago this week, the Senate voted 67-22 to condemn Joseph McCarthy for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute." Three years later the bitter, broken man would be dead of cirrhosis of the liver. The takeaway lesson for our modern age: everyone start sending Mitch McConnel liquor for Christmas.
CHEERS to less locking and loading for the holidays. Says here that the FBI wasn't as swamped with background check requests as it was last year because fewer shoppers were emptying store shelves of guns:
The bureau told USA TODAY it ran 182,093 background checks for firearms [down 10 percent from last year], the lowest number since 2014. Last year, the FBI fielded 203,086 requests on Black Friday, up from the previous single-day highs of 185,713 in 2016 and 185,345 in 2015.
The checks, run through the FBI's National Instant Criminal Background Check System, are not a measure of actual gun sales. The number of firearms sold Friday is likely higher because multiple firearms can be included in one transaction by a single buyer. The background checks are required at all federally licensed firearm stores.
As a public service, C&J offers our usual helpful tip for Santa when he goes about his business in 22 days: swap out the fur suit for Kevlar.
CHEERS to seeing stuff up close. On this date in 1621, Galileo perfected his new invention. He called it the telescope. The following day the lady next door perfected her own new invention. She called it the window blind.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 3, 2008
CHEERS to Sheriff Obama and his new deputies. After proving they had no skeletons in their closets and could sink a three-pointer from 50 feet (it took Bob Gates 250 tries), President-elect Obama announced his national security team yesterday:
Sec. of State Hillary Clinton
Attorney General Eric Holder
Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano
UN Secretary Susan Rice
Sec. of Defense Bob Gates
Nat'l Security Advisor Jim Jones
But there could be trouble on the horizon. Obama's a Leo and three of his new team are Scorpios. Memo to the White House hospitality crew: keep 'em away from the good china.
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And just one more…
JEERS to perilous playthings. I probably should've mentioned this item a couple weeks ago before the entire country went shopping for toys over the Thanksgiving holiday. (Oops, bad me.) The Public Interest Research Group is out with their latest list of the most dangerous toys, and the good news is that, on the whole, toys are safer than ever. As usual, toys whose chemical levels are too big or whose parts are too small topped the list. And in the internet age there's a new hazard parents should watch for: "connected toys" that hoover up your kids' personal information in possible violation of privacy and consumer protection laws. Meanwhile, the Cheers and Jeers Public Safety Commission and Unlicensed Liquor Institute has a few additions that the PIRG missed:
The Li'l Warrior Happy 57E6 Surface to Air Missile: Could pose a choking hazard to children 5 and under; may also be detrimental to flowerbeds.
The Scott Pruitt Happy Fun Cone of Silence: $35,000 price tag may send Mommy and Daddy into cardiac arrest, causing their children to live the rest of their lives riddled with guilt for making such a big deal about it.
Playskool Mexico-Funded U.S. Border Wall: No particular danger to kids, but parents should know that this is just an empty box.
Baby's First Papa John's Pizza Bake Set: Considered dangerous because the end product is Papa John's pizza. [See also: Baby's First Godfather's Pizza Bake Set]
Make America Great Again baseball cap: Side effects include lower IQ, frothing at the mouth, and delusions that Daddy's coal job is coming back.
Ho Ho Ho! You've been warned.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“The question we have to ask ourselves is, how does the country feel about Cheers and Jeers? The country has to ask itself, what is the temperature we are setting for our kiddie pool? What kind of moral leadership do we demand in Bill in Portland Maine?”
---Michelle Obama
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