From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: No Stone stone unturned edition
"Hey, wow! What a fun couple 'o days! Go Nixon!"
---Steve Martin as Roger Stone on SNL (Watch it here)
"If H.R. Pufnstuf had gone to Slytherin, that would be Roger Stone."
---Esquire's Charlie Pierce on Jimmy Kimmel Live
"It's taken decades of countless lies, deeply-stupid acts of grandstanding, ferocious loyalty to criminals and losers (and a presumably very tired haberdasher), but now Roger Stone is getting credit, and it's finally for shit he actually did. Congrats, Roger. Hopefully now you'll get to enjoy it from the inside of a prison."
---Samantha Bee
"Quick tip: if you're referencing The Godfather, you're probably not the good guy. That's like going to a restaurant and saying, 'I'll take the Hannibal Lecter with a nice Chianti.'"
---Stephen Colbert, after learning Roger Stone once advised an alleged co-conspirator to lie like Frank Pentangeli from The Godfather, Part II before a House committee
"President Trump on Friday announced a deal to temporarily re-open the government for three weeks while negotiations continue over border security. One of the factors that led to Trump making a deal was the ground delays that were building up at LaGuardia Airport. You know you're failing as a president when you've somehow made LaGuardia worse."
---Colin Jost, SNL
"Howard Schultz, who's the former CEO of Starbucks, says he's considering a third-party bid for president. Here's the year 2019 in a nutshell: no one can host the Oscars, but everyone thinks he can run for president."
---Jimmy Kimmel
"Applebee's has announced that it'll start selling one-dollar hurricanes next month ahead of Mardi Gras. Incidentally, one dollar for hurricanes is also Trump's FEMA policy."
---Seth Meyers
Happy February. We survived day one. A good start. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 1, 2019
Note: Isn’t it interesting that a guy named Schmidt is trying to get a guy named Schultz to become the president of the United States? I think the Germans are up to something.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Summer Olympics in Tokyo: 538
Days 'til the Color the Wind Kite Festival in Clear Lake, Iowa: 15
Percent of Americans who believe the country is “on the wrong track” rather than “headed in the right direction,” according to an NBC News-WSJ poll: 63%
Percent who blame Trump and Democrats, respectively, for the shutdown in the same poll: 50%, 37%
Percent chance of rain and expected temperature for the Super Bowl in Atlanta Sunday: 50%, 60 degrees
Surge in pizza sales on Super Bowl Sunday, according to USA Today: 35%
Percent chance Sam Adams Brewery is producing an ale in honor of Tom Brady called "Too Old, Too Slow, Still Here": 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Courtesy of SNL---I Love My Dogs
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CHEERS to February! Hooray---we finally made it to the third and last month of meteorological winter in the northern hemisphere! For the shortest month, it sure packs a lot of goodies in it. Some of the highlights:
Black History Month, more daylight, more Mueller indictments (Donnie Junior, maybe?), Super Bowl Sunday, Waitangi Day in New Zealand, Heritage Day in Canada, Valentine's Day (sadly, minus those Necco candy hearts this year), Stacey Abrams' response to the State of the Union, Cordova Ice Worm Day, George & Abe's awesome storewide mattress sale, Charles Dickens Day, the Grammys (the 10th) the Oscars (the 24th), Create A Vacuum Day (chaired this year by Lindsey Graham because he's #1 at suckage), National Pancake Day, and a full moon on the 19th.
Movies include The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part, and Sam Elliott's follow-up to his Oscar nominated turn in A Star is Born, The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot. (Not kidding, and it's getting some great reviews.) Oh, and tomorrow is Groundhog Day. Or as it’s also known: every damn day between now and January 20, 2021.
CHEERS to doing an end-run around an idiot. I'm no particular fan of Iran, but they are adhering to their nuclear agreement, which is more than can be said for places like Russia and North Korea. Ever since Trump pulled out of the Iran deal, Europe has been trying to figure out how to keep trade flowing, and it looks like they just hit on it:
France, Germany and Britain have officially put in place a European system to help facilitate trade with Iran:
The move will allow the European Union to circumvent U.S. sanctions in an effort to continue humanitarian trade with Iran and work to uphold what is left of the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action, commonly known as the Iran nuclear deal. U.S. sanctions went into place in November halting a significant portion of trade between Iran and its European partners.
Federica Mogherini, the EU’s chief diplomat and the new mechanism’s main advocate, said Thursday in Bucharest, Romania, at a meeting of the bloc that the EU is “fully behind the full implementation of the Iran nuclear deal.”
The new measure, called the Instrument in Support of Trade Exchanges will allow trade between the EU and Iran without relying on direct financial transactions.
They're so polite and formal. I would've instead suggested they call it the Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Purple Nurple Wet Willy Sucks to Be You, Trump Head Butt Measure. Sadly, they can’t afford my consultant’s fee.
CHEERS to Maine's matchless movie maker. Happy 125th Birthday to director and Portland native (and son of immigrants) John Ford. He launched John Wayne's career and defined the classic American western with Stagecoach, The Searchers, the cavalry trilogy and gobs more. And then there's The Grapes of Wrath, which is in a class all by its amazing self:
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Ford proclaimed in 1967: "I am a liberal Democrat and a rebel." If he were alive today I wonder if the GOP would brand him as Satan or an America-laster. (You’re right---probably both.)
CHEERS to little green olive branch sprouts…maybe? In the ongoing 18-year clusterfuck known as the clusterfuck in Afghanistan, there may be the slightest chance of a Great Unclustering. Seems the Taliban is ready to make nice with the Afghan government and forge some kind of poppy-strewn path to peace:
The Taliban said Wednesday they are not seeking a "monopoly on power" in a future administration in Afghanistan but are looking for ways to co-exist with Afghan institutions—the most conciliatory statement to date from the militants.
The statement came amid intensified U.S.-led efforts to resolve the long-running Afghanistan war. U.S. envoy Zalmay Khalilzad reported this week that there had been "agreements in principle" toward a framework for peace with the Taliban, who now control almost half of the country and carry out near-daily attacks, mainly targeting Afghan security forces and government officials.'
Suhail Shaheen, a spokesman based in the Gulf Arab country of Qatar where the Taliban have a political office, said that once U.S. forces withdraw from Afghanistan, the Taliban want to live with other Afghans, "tolerate one another and start life like brothers." […] Shaheen said another round of talks with Khalilzad, the U.S. envoy, is planned for Feb. 25 in Doha.
One clear sign that we gotta wrap this thing up and go home: when the moms and dads who fought there in 2001 have their own sons and daughters fighting there now…it's time.
CHEERS to "slide-rule portability." Tech geeks, fall to your knees and grovel before “the world’s first pocket calculator.” On February 1, 1972, the hand-held HP-35 ("challenges a computer!") made its debut. Cost: a mere $395. And it was made the old-fashioned way---in the USA. How quaint. Today's calculators are solar-powered, mainly because Detroit and the oil companies could never figure out a way to power 'em with internal combustion. If you get bored today (and if you made it this far down into C&J you must be): punch in 5318008, turn it upside down, call a phone number at random and read what you see to the person on the other end. But be mature about it.
CHEERS to home vegetation. In addition to the Concussion Bowl (more on that below), here's some stuff on TV this weekend: First, Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow parse the Friday news dumps on MSNBC. On HBO's Real Time at 10, Bill Maher talks with Mayor Bill de Blasio, Jennifer Rubin, Rep. Will Hurd (R-TX), journalist Peter Hamby, and America’s eulogist Jon Meacham. New home video releases include the submarine thriller Hunter Killer and the well-received movie about conversion therapy, Boy Erased. The NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. But the big sporting event will be, of course, the clash of titans Sunday at 3 during Puppy Bowl XV on Animal Planet. (Be prepared to shield the kids’ eyes from any canine or feline wardrobe malfunctions.)
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Sherrod Brown (D-OH) and Rick Scott (R-Warm Rock); former CIA Director John Brennan; former Director of the National Counter-terrorism Center Michael Leiter.
This Week: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Roy Blunt (R-MO); South Bend Mayor and presidential contender Peter Buttigieg (D);
Face the Nation: Donald Trump.
CNN's State of the Union: Oh my god! CNN’s booking staff has somehow managed to DESTROY the competition by snagging an EXCLUSIVE (their word, not mine) with 84-year-old Sen. Richard Shelby (R-AL), who’d been gumming up the works for thirty years! Wow---how do they DO it??? Cutting edge, man, Cutting freaking edge. Plus Terry McAuliffe.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Senator John Hoeven (R-ND) and Congressman Henry Cuellar (D-TX); Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 1, 2009
CHEERS to amazing discoveries. This is crazy. I can't believe it. A new Harvard/Brigham Young study concludes that when pollution is removed from their air, people tend to live longer. Even more shocking (are you sitting down?), apparently the Bush administration didn’t do enough to clean up the air. Thanks for the groundbreaking news, guys---that was money well spent.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Roman numeral abuse, Version XVIIIIIVIXIIIIIIIVIIIII. Not many people know this, but I've predicted every single Super Bowl winner since I was knee-high to Howard Cosell. Last year, for example, I picked the Providence Steam Rollers over the other team by 13, and although I haven't checked the box scores yet, my gut tells me I was 100% correct. Over the decades people have asked, re-asked, begged, pleaded and prayed that I would reveal the secret to my success. And seeing as my heart grew three sizes today (memo to self: schedule appointment with cardiologist), I'm prepared to give you a little peak behind my faux-pigskin prognostication curtain. Here's how I do it. Step 1: Plug it in. Step 2: Let ‘er rip...
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As you can plainly see, my 2019 prediction is ridiculously easy: the Providence Steam Rollers again by 13. Oh, and in order to make life easier for the nation's water-management teams, everybody please remember to flush at exactly 7:29:59. Thanks for your cooperation and bwoo-ha-ha.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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