During this, our nation’s very first Fake Emergency, it’s understandable some of you may be confused and not know what to do. First and foremost, keep this number handy: (555) 325-3911 or (555) FAKE-911.
If you haven’t already, you’re going to need to put together a Fake Emergency Preparedness Kit:
1) Empty water bottles — at least one gallon per person per day.
2) Non-working flashlight & extra dead batteries.
3) At least $250 of Monopoly money.
4) Wax fruit.
5) Placebos.
During a Fake Emergency it’s natural to experience a whole range of false emotions such as Fake Stress and Fake Depression. Some of you may even consider faking your own suicide.
Until Fake Suicide Hotlines have been established, the best thing to do is pretend to call an imaginary friend — they may be able to give you the false sense of security you need.
If you don’t have any imaginary friends, take a real one to bed with you. Nothing relieves fake tension like faking an orgasm!
It’s also a good idea to go indoors and try to spend some time surrounded by fake plants and fake trees. Or just have a good long lie down on some astroturf and relive some false memories.
Take a couple placebos. Listen to some blank CDs.
Pretend to relax...