Imagine this: It’s 7am on a freezing Sunday morning, the sun is still rising, and the only sounds are the occasional plane or deer. Soon, the horses will be running in and it will be time to chase each one into the barn and clip them in a stall. You haven’t checked the white board for the trails yet because you are tying lead ropes to the front rail with numb fingers. The horses start to slowly walk in because they are lazy, fat and too clumsy to walk down a hill. First come the Arabians, being Arabians and galloping in with high heads and tails. Obviously feeling superior to everyone and everything else. Then everyone else comes stumbling in slowly, trying their very hardest to be as inconvenient as possible.
As you go into the barn to clip the horses into stalls and the middle you catch a glimpse of the two early trail rides, the “early bird trail” (the first trail of the day at 8am) and the “wine ride” (trail at 11am). It shows 15 people for the early bird trail, and a second early bird trail of 17. You wonder, ”How in the hell can we have two early bird trails if there is only one trail guide here at that time? And who is going to be middle and back drag?” As if on cue, your boss comes running down the hill waving the lunge wip around like a maniac shooing the last slow horses down the hill. She says good morning and reaches for her coffee.
Then the question comes. You are asked, “how well do you remember the trails?” It dawns on you she needs you to guide a trail. Unfortunately, you have just returned from a tailbone injury, meaning you haven't been on a trail in several months. The trails are now just a foggy memory. The long silence must have gave her your answer as she said “OK, so you don't remember. But, I am going to need you to guide a trail of 17 today because no one else could come up and guide it. If you download Pokemon Go you can use the map it provides. Good luck, you won’t have a drag either and you will be on Spartacus since you love him.” Fear sets over you as you read the list of horses chosen: Thor, Forest, Fudge, Smokey, Oakley, Scooby, Nicoya, Sunny, Pepper, Freckles, Willie Nelson, Buster Posey, Mac, Craig, Greg, Onyx, and Joe.
You analyze each horse, knowing you will be assigning them to people. Thankfully your excessive amount of riding will come in handy as you have ridden every horse on the list.
1. Thor: Speedy, short blanket Appaloosa that likes his space and will eat grass on the trail if given the opportunity.
2. Forest: Speedy, a little spooky sometimes, better for advanced or intermediate riders. No beginners. Likes space, does better towards the front of middle part of the trail.
3. Fudge: Incredibly slow
4. Smokey: Must be in front, grumpy, likes space, will probably require my constant attention. Advanced rider only
5. Oakley: Angel, better in the back of trail, doesn’t spook, great for young kid, nervous riders, or beginners
6. Scooby: Requires constant attention, will walk off trail and drag rider through bushes, sweetheart, must be in front, advanced riders only
7. Nicoya: Perfect, huge, weight-carrier, gentle giant, towards back of trail but not last in line.
8. Sunny: Massive, clumsy, sweet, good for beginner, best in middle of trail, weight-carrier
9. Pepper: Sometimes grumpy, better in front of trail, likes his personal space, stay away from Smokey and Scooby
10. Freckles: Perfect barrier in between grumpy horses, small, angel
11. Willie Nelson: Absolute saint, speedy, bumpy, cute and lovable, great for beginner
12. Buster Posey: A little stupid, very sweet, great for beginners
13. Mac: Perfect, sweet, patient, not too fast and not too slow, perfect for back of trail or barrier between grumpy horses.
14. Craig: Nice, makes weird lip noises, must be in front, next to Scooby.
15. Greg: Exactly like Craig, pretty much the same horse but smaller
16. Onyx: Must be directly behind me, sweet, very young (2 years old), small people with experience ONLY.
17. Joe: Arabian
After analysis, you began to pull the horses to the front rail to saddle them. Soon, you, the other trainee, and your ground staff have saddled all 32 horses for the two trails and have begun saddling the remaining 13 horses. You all stop for a moment to pray to the spirit of Jimmy, who haunts the ranch, for no more trails until after the wine ride so you can all nap in the polo room on saddle pads under navajos to stay warm. (Spoiler: Jimmy does not listen to your prayers:(. )
Finally, the moment you have been fearing. A mass of people comes walking up to the barn. You sit on the railing, papers in hand. Spartacus is fidgeting at the stump causing a ruckus (as usual). Everyone lines up to be assigned their horses and your two co-workers wait for you to call out horses names. You ask who has ridden before, assess their height, weight and ability. After you are done assigning you pray to Jimmy once more. Praying the trail will go well and you assigned horses to the right people.
After twenty minutes of getting people on their horses and giving the spiel to each client.
- don’t let your horse eat on the trail
- how to go, stop and turn
- spacing is very important
- stay in line
- ask me anything
You have written your beginning spiel in Sharpie on your hand so you could be more prepared. Somehow though, you manage to stumble after every word and turn it into gibberish. You apologize saying you have been here for two hours already and they laugh at your light hearted joke. You start to think maybe this won’t be too bad. You look back and the number of people strikes you. This is a huge trail. Spanning all the way to the bottom of the hill.
As you trek up the hill you realize you don't know where to go. You quickly pull up the Pokemon GO app and open the map. you screenshot it and put it as your lock screen background so you can see it easier. You are almost to the main gate where you will get off and do one final tack check on everyone, making sure everyone is safe and comfortable.
You made it to the main gate in one piece, heart still beating wildly. You get off and tie Spartacus to the post which he peacefully chewed on until you were done checking everyone’s tack. As you get back on, you turn back into your trail guide stance, facing everyone, you see Thor mount Forest, Yes you saw that correctly, Thor mounted Forest. The kids on them start to freak out and the parent in the back was less than happy. You quickly get off of Spartacus and pray to God, not Jimmy this time (Jimmy is proven unreliable) that he would stand right where you left him like you taught him a year ago. You attached the lead rope to Thor and told the kid to lean forward and hug his neck. You managed to push him off of poor Forest. You then brought Thor up to the front to where Spartacus was still standing. You quickly ground mounted Spartacus, and held onto Thor. You screamed back one last time to make sure everyone was ready to go.
After thirty minutes your legs began to ache from standing in your saddle. Since your legs are too short for the stirrups you were working extra hard to stay up. You turned around for a moment and sat back down just to be met with a beautiful view.
You suddenly remembered exactly where you are and began to feel better. Until you turned around. Scooby was halfway up the bushes with a saddle on his stomach and a rider no where to be seen. You got off quickly and told everyone to keep there horses right where they are. Worried you would have to send Spartacus back without a bridle and call 911, code for emergency. You bounded up into the prickly bushes and retrieved the terrified horse. You clipped him to the lead rope and then called out for the rider. You heard a yell in the distance and immediately jumped back on Spartacus. You began to trot and realized Scooby would not move. You ripped a stick off the tree hanging overhead and reached back to poke Scooby in the side. Then you spurred Spartacus and cantered to find the person.
You found her standing on the trail laughing at the situation. You helped her back on Scooby and ponied her back to the trail at a trot. She was very calm and forgiving about it.
The rest of the trail continued without interruption and it was actually really fun to get to know all the people and learn from your mistakes on the trail. Though you prayed to God and Jimmy that you would never have to guide a trail that big again.
*This was a true story from my first time guiding a trail. I would like to say that our horses are all amazing and angels. No one can expect a horse to be perfect all the time though. Horses are animals not machines. *
Also enjoy this video of us during the winter: