Looking out at a Puerto Rican sunrise, one could almost forget what has happened here on the ground... almost. When I took that photo I was standing on the balcony of my old house that no longer exists, except for the concrete slab foundation on land that the bank now owns. These days the image stirs memories of a life that doesn’t quite seem real, as if I’m trying to hold onto a dream... tightly closing my eyes in a futile attempt to remember fragments that have already faded.
One thing that hasn’t faded is our amazing connection to the better angels of Mother Nature, and I’m grateful. After 19 months, our lush green has returned with even snapped trees sprouting new life. Palms are swaying in the warm breeze that again carries the intoxicating scents of jasmine and white ginger. The once stripped-bare bougainvillea and trinitaria have regenerated with heavy, arching blooms of fuchsia and magenta, delicate pink and flaming red — all beautiful reminders that life really does go on...
If only we were so resilient...
Our flowers may be blooming, but there’s no escaping the painful truth that thousands lost their lives from Maria and this interminable aftermath. The grieving and our daily struggles, even our survivor’s guilt, are very real, regardless of the denials and disgusting insults still being hurled at us by this inhumane administration and its heartless supporters. So very many of us have lost everything and have no idea how to navigate this radically different world. An estimated 60,000 families remain living under leaking blue tarps — or still have no roofs at all — and many, many more are now suffering through an unprecedented mental health crisis caused by these intentionally prolonged, devastating conditions.
Our suicide hotline responders saw a 250% increase in 2018. Domestic abuse and child abuse cases are skyrocketing. Crime is on the rise to levels never experienced before on the island, and it’s not just something we read about in the papers. My dear friend was car-jacked only 2 blocks from my apartment, a gun pointed inches from her face as she was told to run, or die. It was impossible for her to identify her attacker because it was pitch dark. In the middle of the city. So many areas of San Juan are dark, and dangerous, because the streetlights still aren’t working. 47% of the island’s streetlights remain unrepaired.
The trauma, the stress, the mental anguish — all are contributing factors to even more serious crimes, illnesses and deaths. It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t know how to escape any of it, much less move beyond and heal.
I still can’t believe that today marks 19 months since Maria hit... and in just 40 days we’ll face the start of yet another hurricane season and all the addition stress that it brings...
May we have gentle winds and clear skies through the end of November.
After everything we’ve been through here on the island, my tolerance level is at zero and my patience is long gone. I wish I could say that my own health hasn’t been affected, but I can’t, as many of you already know. It also can’t be helped that my own experiences have given me a critical, even a severe view of how we got here and why. Now… replace, “here on the island” with your own city or town and it’s undeniable that there are millions of us who share this Trump created trauma. Never for a moment do I believe that being in Puerto Rico is a shield from my views being criticized or that it gives me any miraculous insights into the political morass in which we find ourselves. Agree or disagree with what follows, this is simply what I believe.
I want to begin the next part of my diary by conveying as clearly and gently as I possibly can: please (that’s the gentle part) don’t ever ask me to understand, or empathize with, the voters on the right or the left who are responsible for unleashing this metastatic cruelty on our nation... not if you and I are to remain on civil speaking terms. The election of that individual had life and death consequences, and I won’t apologize for my anger or my disgust. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve earned every right to them both.
My only choice is to somehow transform this suffocating, negative energy into positive actions, along with my deepest wish that none of you ever has to experience the horrific consequences of 2016 as 3.6 million Puerto Ricans are experiencing them… as my Latin American brothers and sisters on the Southern border are experiencing them… as our fellow citizens still suffering from lead-poisoned water in Flint are experiencing them… as those living with the constant fear of losing their health coverage are experiencing them… as California’s wildfire victims are experiencing them… as our farmers are experiencing them… as those still suffering from the natural disasters in the Carolinas, in the Panhandle and in Houston and are experiencing them... as those in Nebraska, Missouri, South Dakota, Iowa, Kansas… My God.
I’m nowhere close to forgiving the callous inaction that continues to plague our country, and it’s impossible for me to ever forget.
It’s also impossible for me to ignore my anger and frustration as I turn my eyes to our 2020 candidates. Are they focused on detailed policies and the concrete steps to make them happen, or are they blowing smoke with sweeping rhetoric and no actual plans to back up their words? Are they creating unity by lifting up the Democratic Party, or are they creating disunity by constantly tearing down and attacking Democrats? Are they reaching out to our base, or are they reaching out to “misunderstood” Trump voters? Ay bendito… I can’t believe I even had to write that. Reaching out to Republican voters during a Democratic Party primary season… I’ll just let that sit there...
With such a crowded field, there’s simply no room in my heart or mind for anyone who insists on leading an “economically-anxious white-working-class” snipe hunt... and there’s definitely no space for those who continue on that fool’s errand by joining the conga line that’s snaking its way up the propaganda arm of the Republican Party. Giving legitimacy to Fox News, de-legitimizes me.
Ultimately, this is about respect towards, and solidarity with, the members of our own party who are constantly disparaged, ridiculed, slandered, trampled by Fox’s undeniable assault on our body politic since 1996. Respect and solidarity: give none, get none.
There’s no mystery or confusion about Fox’s demographics — it’s not us. If a candidate is not 100% focused on energizing our own hard-working base and doing everything they can to reach the millions of non-voters who may be our natural allies, then good luck and good riddance.
“I swear it by the old gods and the new.” GOT
So, yes… I’m angry. I also want to be clear that the fire in my gut is directed at all candidates. None of them, not one, has accomplished anything beyond the bare minimum of doing their jobs to approve recovery funds — and the majority of those approved funds still have not been disbursed after all this time. Tweets are not actions and don’t talk to me about a PR Marshall Plan as a solution when that “plan” hasn’t relieved the suffering of a single person here on the island over the past 19 months. We deserve more than just words, we deserve concrete actions — from all the candidates.
The federal government has failed us. Our local government has failed us.
Amazing Individuals like so many of my friends and allies here in this community have never let us down. You are miracle workers.
That’s why I’m still here, regardless of the sometimes toxic environment during primaries. I appreciate this community more than I can adequately express because the allies I’ve met here through these many years are among the most precious treasures in my life. It’s like the embrace of an old friend when we cross paths in the comment threads, just as it is when I meet other old Dkos friends elsewhere online. It makes no difference to me whether or not they still participate here, for whatever the reason — the bonds we first created at Dkos are as meaningful today as they ever were.
During the most difficult times in my life this community has always been here for me. Throughout my late partner Juan’s nearly seven-year battle with cancer, my dear friends Sara, Ann and so many beautiful Dkos friends blanketed him with love and emotional support. This community was the last thing he felt in this world, his quilt keeping him warm and covering him in your prayers as he slipped away from me. Palm Sunday marked the five-year anniversary of his death, and I can feel you in my heart as powerfully as if it were yesterday. You are miracle workers.
After he passed, you then covered me in love and support. It was overwhelming. I closed our restaurant during his final year. Juan was bedridden, his only nutrition was by a feeding tube and I was his only caretaker. Our lifetime of savings disappeared and, at the end of his journey, the generosity of my Dkos friends was amazing. Though I wasn’t able to save our ranch from foreclosure, I was still able to keep the mortgage paid and utilities on for long enough to care for our many animals until I found most of them forever homes. You are miracle workers.
I don’t think any of us old timers can ever forget our girl Ana, and the love my friends here showed for her after a horrible accident. All of you are forever in my heart.
In the devastating aftermath of Maria you stood up for Don Feliberto, making one of our senior citizens feel loved when he was in the depths of despair. We found him without food, water or electricity, no communication, without a roof and no idea how he was going to survive. Together, we brought hope and light (literally). We even helped him with a new roof by combining our efforts with a local charity. We cared for him until he finally recieved his FEMA disbursement in October of last year. It’s impossible for me to be prouder of a group of friends and allies. You are miracle workers.
I experienced another life-changing moment when my heart failed the week before this past Christmas. Three amazing Dkos friends were my constant companions and never allowed me to lose hope. Once I was finally allowed to go home, but still not able to work, the rest of the Dkos community rallied together and helped me through an incredibly difficult time. Although thanks seem horribly inadequate, I hope you accept my deepest gratitude. You are miracle workers.
Beyond our support of the Democratic Party, we’ve lifted one another up, celebrating together through our joy, and suffering together through our pain. That’s a unity of the heart that simply cannot be broken by any petty bickering over candidates, and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. During crucial moments you always find out who your real friends and allies are and that’s why, to me, this is a community of miracle workers. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that our online connections aren’t real or are superficial — these connections are miraculous.