If you will permit me this one indulgence.
I have to speak just a bit about myself and “us” (that would be 4CasandChlo, Cassandra, my wife, and Chloe, our 11 year old daughter).
Somehow, I have always known that I would be the dad of a little girl. Do not ask me how, but please do not doubt me. In high school, I knew that I would be the dad of a little girl someday. I also “knew” with less surety, that she would be extremely special. I did not know then, but kinda did (?) that she would be an only child, that’s what made her “special.”
My wife and I never talked about “how many” kids to have, because it was just so damned obvious to both of us that we’re destined to team with Chloe, period. We just knew. She was this little adult, an old soul in a little girl, part of a small team.
I hope people can trust that, because Chloe came to me when I was age 36, and thus I had probably been thinking about raising a little girl, and only a little girl, for 20 years before I knew her name.
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I must also say to you here, at Dkos, that I have soaked up every bit of knowledge from all here about women, and “raising girls.” I credit much of what I know about both “girl” and “women’s” issues to the women here, who continue teaching me, and won’t stop.
Believe me, no one appreciates the “Me, Too” movement more than a Dad of a daughter, at least this Dad. I want her to be able to be the scientist, veterinarian, dermatologist, teacher or painter, whatever she throws out as “wanting to be” someday. I want it ALL to depend on her spirit, mind, and honor.
I never want her path blocked by men who value her as anything less.
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And how am I to do that when the sexualization of “her” (and all girls, at least in this nation) begins even prior to adolescence? Oh, I KNOW it starts long before age 11 and fifth grade, believe me.
But since that is what I am working with now, I want to share a story, with a tiny ray of hope.
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Small things:
1) Much as it pained me, I have always told Chloe that I will never block her from participating in cheerleading I felt it important to not be a man blocking what she wanted. But I did condition it on her also being in activities where the crowd is cheering for her, and her team. It can be sports, debate, theatre, music, but the clapping must be for her, she is the star.
2) We live in the deep south, buckle of the bible belt, moved from Washington 18 months ago to help care for my wife’s grandmother and farm, Granny has no one now. It is rural, “deep south.” I know I don’t need to say more.
3) Chloe’s middle school has a football team, and the “cheerleaders” are actually “the dance team,” do not ask me why. The “dance team” is made up out of 16 girls — and only girls — and 29 “tried out.”
4. Chloe plays softball, takes guitar lessons and will do kids’ theatre this summer. And she asked to go out for dance team. She wanted to try out “with my friends””
Okay.
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You cannot imagine how big a deal it is down here. We got TWO letters explaining:
1. Just because your daughter made it last year is no guarantee at all she will make it this year.
2. There will be “dance judges” from college dance teams evaluating them and they are from “out of town” and “anonymous” and no, no parent will watch try-outs and no, no video will be taken. Evidently parents care, deeply, down here, about the friggin’ middle school “dance team.”
I looked at the first letter and said: “Is this a fcking joke?” To my wife, who kind of has enough of a sense of humor that she really could pull it off. Alas, it wasn’t, neither of the letters.
3. Her Principal is a woman, extremely effective. Granny lives in the one area floating on oil, which of course makes all the difference. It is a great public school, we had to verify our address 3x to “get in” as many people try to ‘opt-in.’
Thus the principal is obviously VERY good at her job. She is also “old school” southern. Highly traditional. I don’t have to ask who she voted for.
4. But, I can tell from past experience that the Principal respects me, I am a bit of an oddity down here. Not a lot of Berkeley law grad/authors running around these parts.
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Okay, here we go.
Given how political it is, and it IS, it was extremely difficult to decide that “Yes, actually, I am going to make a few waves.” I just had to be “effective” and “respectful.” (Yes, Chloe made the dance team, as I damn well knew she would, she is extremely “cute.” So cute that I’m kind of resenting hearing it too often.)
I asked to speak to the Principal about ”a couple things I noticed.” I had some ‘concerns’ and ideas.” I was even more nervous that anticipated.
But I did it.
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First.
Why try-outs? For the love of god, let ALL the girls “dance.” If there are too many get an extra teacher, two teams, if need be. Everyone knows the school is WELL funded.
“Why would “good dancers” matter more than getting all the girls out and having fun and a little exercise?”
If your “team’s quality” matters more than involving some girls that, maybe, already have body issues? Maybe already fear “how they look” matters too much. If it matters that much, maybe the school should look more at what they really value? (I put it nicely).
Of course I knew. Yes, yes, they can “say” all they want about “good dancers” yet I knew that with obesity being what it is down here, and all that goes with “making it” I knew what “good dancers” actually “means.” They want something to ensure they have cute, fit, girls.
Why?
Second.
Though they just wear shorts and t-shirts as uniforms, the “try-out” routine had some “older cheerleader moves” and “high kicks” that turned me off immediately.
I asked the Principal if she had even considered whether some of these now “traditional” dance moves were “age appropriate” considering my daughter is eleven.” (for godsake!). “Highkicks” connotate “high heels” and “Rockettes type of thing.” It’s fine for a grown woman to “choose” to dance however she wants, but “is it appropriate for middle school?”
“Did anyone even ask that question?”
Who — if anyone — is actually asking; “What dances are more age appropriate for middle schoolers, as opposed to college women?” Someone should ask.
Third.
Why not boys, too?
Of course, at first maybe not as many boys will take up the offer, and of course there are LOTS of boy-focused activities, but if even one wanted to, why not let him?”
In my mind, this isn’t about boys’ opportunities, it is about breaking down many stereotypes, one being that “dancing” for boys sports’ teams is a “girls’ thing” which will progress to a “women’s thing” including clapping as her “Husband” goes to work.
So why not tell boys, “It’s great if you want to join!” Because it ALSO sends a message to girls, a healthy one, IMO. “Gender stereotypes are being broken down.” It is not just your job to “cheer” your school, or boys.
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I nervously presented these questions, pretty-much word for word to the Principal, who is very very traditional, and I could tell, had not really thought of it “that way.”
She did concentrate on what I was saying.
There was a pause.
I said: “They have the rest of their lives to do adult things, why not let them have one last shot at “being a kid” and making it more about fun development?”
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In reality? I was just trying to get at the heart of the “sexualization” of all things “girl” as a big part of stopping the sexualization and stereotypes of women.
I soooo look forward to hearing other ideas on how to look at things differently because I don’t think I’m a hero, nor know everything.
I DO know that it begins loooonggg before middle school and involves how they are dressed, what they are told, how they get “placed” in school, etc etc.
But I don’t know everything. So help me.
I did a tiny tiny thing, and it took a little bit of courage, given where I live.
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And, a week later, in the hall, the Principal — who had listened quietly, nodding occasionally and said: “I need to give this some thought” — shouted out a bit to me as I picked up Chloe. She had a teacher with her speaking privately. The Principal stopped the teacher. She spoke loudly, almost with pride: “Next year dance team will be open to all, and Mr. North (VP) and I are going to review the “dances” to make sure they’re good exercise and fun for all the kids, this year.”
And winked.
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No, I didn’t win some major victory for women’s equality. But I did something. I dearly want more ideas from those here. I want to learn. I think maybe we all can be looking for more things we can say, maybe even if it takes a little courage, to defend all women.
Even ‘proto-women.
With old souls, and little bodies.
Peace, y’all
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Oh, and my novels are here, bc supporting writers with dancing daughters is important. The whole ludicrous idea began as lessons for Chloe, at age 18: A “Here’s what I learned, now go explore the world” thing. Reviews.