From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: May Flowers Edition
"President Trump's attorney general William Barr appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee to explain the way he handled the Mueller Report. Democrats say the report is exactly what we thought it would be, so why is the attorney general saying it wasn't? And that seems to be Robert Mueller's position, too. He believes the attorney general misrepresented his findings to benefit the president. Basically Mueller sent Bill Barr a wolverine. Bill Barr pulled it out of the cage and said, 'Hey everyone, look at this bunny! Isn’t it cute?'"
—Jimmy Kimmel
”When the attorney general lies to Congress, it’s a crime. When the president does it, it’s the State of the Union.”
—Stephen Colbert
"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer told reporters that they have reached an agreement with President Trump to pursue a $2 trillion infrastructure bill. That's right---they have an 'agreement' with Trump just like his contractors, the students at Trump University, and his first two wives."
—Seth Meyers
"As best I can tell, [according to Trump] Washington committed only one major blunder as President: He failed to put his name on Mount Vernon and thereby bungled an early opportunity at branding. Clearly deficient at the art of the deal, the poor man had to settle on the lowly title of Father of His Country."
—Historian Ron Chernow at the White House Correspondents' Dinner
"If Trump really wanted to ruin journalism, he'd put his name on it."
—Samantha Bee at the Not The White House Correspondents' Dinner
"Samsung has announced that to make it easier for users to watch smartphone videos, it will be selling a TV that can pivot between orientations. Upon hearing that, Mike Pence threw out his TV. "
---Seth Meyers
C’mon down and splash. Tonight we’ve got a taco truck on every corner. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 3, 2019
Note: Today is Garden Meditation Day. Please zen your auras responsibly or I’m pulling out the pepper spray. ---Mgr.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Independence Day: 62
Days 'til the Livermore Valley Craft Beer Festival in the San Francisco Bay area: 8
Percent of voters who are "extremely enthusiastic" about voting in the presidential election next year, according to a CNN poll: 45%
Percent who were as enthusiastic this far out of the 2016 and 2012 elections, respectively: 22%, 28%
Number Democratic presidential contenders getting a higher percent of donations from women than men, according to OpenSecrets.org: 1 (Kirsten Gillibrand, at 52%)
Factor by which Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders are pulling in more campaign contributions from men than women: 2x
Trump's approval rating in New Hampshire, according to a new Suffolk University-Boston Globe poll: 41%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy birthday, Bailey!
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CHEERS to today’s brief recap. Trump fixer and AGINO (Attorney General in name Only) William Barr missed his House Judiciary Committee hearing yesterday on account of he was too a’ scared to answer questions, which is odd because he keeps insisting his boss is innocent of everything, including all that the nasty business in the Mueller Report. So here instead is a brief clip of his appearance at the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on Wednesday:
Well there’s a first: a vulture wearing a chicken costume.
CHEERS to feeling the Bennetmentum! Sensing that the current roster of 937 candidates in the Democratic primary just didn’t offer enough variety, another member of Team D entered the 2020 race yesterday. Let's check out his vitals:
Sen. Michael Bennet
Hails from: Born in New Delhi, India; grew up in Washington, D.C.; Colorado resident since 1997.
Age on inauguration day 2021: 56
Primary campaign theme: "Building Opportunity Together"
Education: BA from Wesleyan University; JD from Yale.
Government experience: Early career in the Justice Department; superintendent of Denver public school system; U.S. Senator since 2009.
Official website: MichaelBennet.com
Strengths: Supports adding a public option and more tax credits to the Affordable Care Act; co-sponsored the DREAM Act and supports comprehensive immigration reform; supports the marijuana industry.
Weaknesses: Voted against re-authorization of the assault weapons ban; voted to authorize the Keystone XL pipeline; voted against reining in Trump's support for the war in Yemen;
Baby-kissing ability, based on reviews at Toddler Yelp: 9.1/10
He joins Kamala, Cory, Tim, Wayne, Joe, Elizabeth, Beto, Bernie, Tulsi, Julian, John, Andrew, Kirsten, Eric, Jay, Pete, Seth, Marianne, Amy, and John #2 in their quest to be the lucky duck who gets to chase the Trump crime syndicate out of Washington. Assuming they have any energy left after chasing each other.
JEERS to itchy trigger fingers. Forty-nine years ago tomorrow, National Guard troops fired on Vietnam War protesters at Ohio’s Kent State University, killing four students and injuring 12 in 13 seconds. (The site is now designated Ohio’s 76th National Historic Site.) The question that may never be answered: what possessed the Guard to use live ammo when they could've pacified the crowd with a plate of hash brownies? A permanent blemish on my home state's record.
P.S. Imagine if all the students had been walking around with concealed (or even open-carry) weapons, a concept that makes Republicans salivate every time they think about it. That would've worked out swell that day, huh. Real swell.
CHEERS to throwing the bums out. Better late than never, right? Facebook and Instagram have officially booted some of the worst of the right-wing Nazi-loving hatemongers who get their jollies inciting violence among the mad cow-addled brains of America's walking balls of testosterone:
[Alex] Jones and his media outlet InfoWars had previously been banned from Facebook in August 2018, but had maintained a presence on Instagram, which is owned by Facebook. On Thursday, Jones and InfoWars will be barred from Instagram as well.
Other people banned on Thursday included Paul Nehlen, an anti-Semite who unsuccessfully ran for Congress in 2016 and 2018, and fringe right-wing media personalities Laura Loomer, Milo Yiannopoulos and Paul Joseph Watson.
Hooray. That's five right-wing freaks down, twenty gazillion Russian trolls to go.
CHEERS to the shining city on a hill. Happy 217th Birthday to Washington, D.C., incorporated May 3, 1802. (These old maps are cool---I hear you can see Russia from the Capitol dome.)
I was going to send everyone who lives there a gift basket filled with representation to go with your taxation, but Congress says it can’t deliver that item on certain days---namely Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. So instead I'm sending you a lovely Lincoln Memorial snow globe. (When you shake it, a little plastic Louie Gohmert falls down the steps and gets an owie.)
JEERS to HELLO URGENT MESSAGE KIND MADAM 7 PLEASE RLPY V&i*GR#A HOT SEXY LOVER NEED ASSISTANCE!! We can't let May go by without acknowledging the 41st anniversary of spam. It had a fascinating beginning. Via Geekosystem, here's how it started back in 1978:
Gary Thuerk, a marketer for the Digital Equipment Corporation, blasted out his message to 400 of the 2600 people on ARPAnet, the DARPA-funded so-called “first Internet.” Naturally: He was selling something. (Computers, or more specifically, information about open houses where people could check out the computers.)
He annoyed a lot of people. And he also had some success, with a few recipients interested in what he was pushing. And thus, spam was born.
Aren't we lucky. Now if you'll excuse me, I just got an email I have to attend to from "Íâó¾Àí/½ø³ö¿Ú¾Àí " with the subject line"|Íâó½Óµ¥Ó뺣Í⩵ ¥»ñÈ¡²ßÂÔ|" It might be news from my favorite Nigerian finance minister. Or his widow. (Thoughts and prayers.)
CHEERS to home vegetation. Just a quick preview of some of the viewage that might show up on your screen this weekend. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Gov. and 2020 presidential candidate Jay Inslee (D-WA), obnoxious Bret Stephens from the obnoxious New York Times, Moby, Bakari Sellers, and Kara Swisher.
New home video releases include Mary Poppins Returns and a bunch of flicks I've never heard before, but click here and see for yourself. The baseball schedule is here, the NBA playoff schedule is here, and the NHL playoff schedule is here. The Kentucky Derby is tomorrow, and as usual my money’s on the mule wearing the rocket shoes. SNL alum Adam Sandler hosts, amazingly enough, SNL. On 60 Minutes: cyber criminals! A documentary crew tries to solve the crime of Lisa's missing college fund on The Simpsons, and Meg becomes an internet sensation on Family Guy. Here's your Game of Thrones spoiler alert: after Jon Snow appoints Bran to be his independent counsel, Cersei slumps back in her chair and says, "Oh my god. This is terrible. This is the end of my throne sitting. I'm fucked." And John Oliver is back from his slacker week off with a fresh edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight Sunday at 11.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senator and 2020 candidate Michael Bennet (D-CO); Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA); new NBC News poll numbers.
This Week: Senator and 2020 candidate Bernie Sanders (I-VT); Secretary of State Mike Pompeo.
Face the Nation: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Senate Judiciary Committee members and 2020 candidates Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Cory Booker (D-NJ).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: House Judiciary Committee member David Cicilline (D-RI); Mike Pompeo.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 3, 2009
JEERS to fine print that's a little too fine. C&J did someone a small favor last week, and they kindly thanked us with an American Express gift card. Inside the festive little micro-envelope was the plastic card itself...and an eight-panel insert with what looks like 4,000 words (okay, 3,620 to be exact) in 7-point type which they call "The American Express Gift Card Cardholder Agreement." Nearly one half of this tissue paper-thin bucket load of bureaucracy is devoted to a section titled, "Arbitration." Anyway, I redeemed it yesterday. I used it to pay the attorney I hired to explain the gift card rules to me. An oddly unsatisfying purchase.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to mirth panels. Here's something you'll "Marvel" over, even if you live in “D.C.”: tomorrow, May 4th, is Free Comic Book Day at participating comic book shops around the country. The annual event honors "an original American art form, created in the early days of the twentieth century." And it’s also a perfect moment to honor the late comic-book legend Stan Lee, and hear him belt out “Excelsior!” one more time...
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You can choose from action fare like The Avengers and Star Wars: Droid Hunters, and classics like Ninja Turtles and Dr.Who. Or, for pure goofiness that'll keep you in stitches, you can't go wrong with Bob’s Burgers or the exciting issue #1 of The Misadventures of Cadet Bone Spurs and the Exploding Mueller Report. Make sure they put it in an acid-free plastic sleeve for ya—it’s gonna be worth millions, baby...millions!
Have a great weekend. And as we head into Star Wars Day, may the Fourth be with you, and rest in peace in that big Kashyyyk in the sky, Peter Mayhew. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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