From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
His Favorite Letter
I will build the greatest wall and make Mexico pay for it.
I will give everyone the greatest health care so cheaply.
I will be the greatest president on LGBTQ rights, believe me.
I will hire only the best people, that I can tell you.
I do not do cover-ups.
Here are a few other things that start with I, courtesy of Colbert:
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See also: Inauguration #2 denied.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Note: We hope you had a nice Memorial Day weekend. As promised, I'm happy to show you my fresh lawn dart tournament wounds: here….here…here, here and here. Final score, as usual: 0-0.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first Democratic candidates debate (in Miami): 29
Days 'til the Red Earth Native American Cultural Festival in Oklahoma City: 10
Minimum number of members of the House who believe it's time to open a Trump impeachment inquiry: 39
Number of fake accounts Facebook took down between September 2018 and March 2019: 3 billion
Years Theresa May lasted as Britain's prime minister: 3
Percent of batters who have been struck out in Major League Baseball this year, an all-time high, due to nastier curveballs and sliders: 23%
Average curveball spin rate this year, up from 2,315 rpms four years ago: 2,536 RPM
Totally Random Stanley Cup Game 1 Score
Boston Bruins 4 St. Louis Blues 2
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NEW Tuesday feature! "Packin' for Philadelphia!"
Brought to you by the 2019 Netroots Nation Convention in Philadelphia, July 11-13. From what I read, people in Philly speak kinda funny. So before you head there this summer, it's important to know how to communicate with the locals. According to Movoto, there are exactly 25 words and/or phrases you must know to pass among the locals. Ignore them at your peril. Some examples:
Wit A simple way of ordering sautéed onions on top of a cheesesteak, the local pronunciation of “with.”
Youse A way of referring to someone instead of just saying “you,” similar to the regional use of “y’all.”
Jawn A word used in the place of pretty much any noun. Ex: When asking for a something, one could say: “Someone pass me that jawn!”
Gravy Red pasta sauce, often featuring several meats.
Jimmies Sprinkles, often those that top ice cream.
You should also know:
"Wooder" means water
"Tap MAC" means ATM.
But one phrase is as universally-understood in Philadelphia as it is in the rest of the country: “Make mine a double.”
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Stalemate...
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CHEERS and JEERS to a portrait in Memorial Day contrasts. Parades and ceremonies and remembrances were held throughout the country yesterday to honor our fallen veterans. As a refresher, here’s how our previous president consoled families of the fallen…
And then there’s five-deferments Donald, aka Cadet Bone Spurs tweeting from Japan:
So, under this president, just another day in America ending in “why???”
CHEERS to must-see TV. Just a quick heads-up that senator and one of the leading 2020 Democratic presidential nominees, Kamala Harris of California, will participate in a town hall meeting tonight at 10 ET with Lawrence O'Donnell in South Carolina. Here's a graphic you can print out and staple-gun to your bulletin board, refrigerator, TV screen, front door, rear-view mirror, English muffins, mailman, forehead, neighbor's cat, fuse box, fine china, tulips, Metro bus windshields, and city hall weather vane:
Forgive me for meddling in your life, but I'm starting to believe that maybe you shouldn't be the owner of a staple gun.
JEERS to a chipette off the old block. The last vice president to be a certified war criminal has a daughter. She's in Congress now. And evil, evil, evil…
Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) said on Sunday that statements by FBI agents investigating President Trump sounded “an awful lot like a coup, and it could well be treason.”
Cheney told Martha Raddatz on ABC’s “This Week” that the beginnings of special counsel Robert Mueller's Russia investigation were suspect and need to be investigated.
“Think about the fact that we had people that are at the highest levels of our law enforcement in this nation saying that they were going to stop a duly elected president of the United States, saying they needed an insurance policy against him,” Cheney said. "That is something that simply cannot happen."
Ah, yes. Liz Cheney. For those who find Dick too soft and sentimental.
JEERS to the latest victim of Brexit. She gave it a good run, doggone it, but—funny story—it turns out that Great Britain ate a plate of bad kidney pudding and it drove everybody there mad…mad, I tell you. So Prime Minister Theresa May, having failed to execute the impossible task of finding an acceptable way to break her island nation off from the European Union without destroying it, sobbed her resignation from 10 Downing Street Friday. She will likely be replaced by a card-carrying conservative lunatic:
May will remain as prime minister while the party holds a leadership contest, with her successor expected to be in place by the end of the summer. […]
Boris Johnson, the Brexiteer former foreign secretary, is currently seen as the frontrunner to replace her.
What more can we say? So long, ma'am, and...thanks for all the fish?
JEERS to petty stooges. In a proud moment for the Republican party, forty-seven years ago today, in 1972, the White House "plumbers" hit the Democratic National Headquarters at the Watergate Hotel, setting in motion a series of events that would lead to Nixon's resignation in disgrace. The first clue that something was amiss: their bill was reasonable.
CHEERS to a sober response. Republicans blow it again. Last week they sent around a video of Nancy Pelosi with her speech slowed down by 25 percent, and then used it to try and convince the world she was drunk. But the video got taken down on You Tube (and, eventually, evil Facebook) because the idiots who made it didn't disclaim that it was doctored footage, proving once again that humor in the hands of conservatives is a disaster. For her part, Speaker Pelosi took it well:
WASHINGTON—Denying that there was any factual basis to the doctored footage shared by President Trump that suggested she was intoxicated, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi blasted the viral video clip Friday by claiming that you’ll fucking know it when she’s drunk. […]
“When I get plastered, I’m a mean-ass drunk, so until you see me actively pissing on the House floor or pressing a broken beer bottle up to [Minority Leader] Kevin McCarthy’s dumb face, you dipshits can rest easy knowing I’ve been sober as a goddamn judge.”
Pelosi reportedly went on to do a keg stand on the Capitol lawn to demonstrate exactly what “you fucking geniuses” should be on the lookout for.
God bless The Onion.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 28, 2009
JEERS to the Sonia witch trials. Wow. I mean, Wow Wow Wow!!! There is a wing of the Republican mob that's convinced itself it's still living in 1692 Massachusetts. In the last 24 hours, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has been called "racist," "wild-eyed judicial activist," "Hispanic chick lady," "cold-hearted ideologue," "hack," "affirmative action pick," "reverse racist," "lacking intelligence," "Latina woman racist," "bigot," "a hothead," an Obama pick (don’t ask), and even...um..."Maria" (nice one, Huckabong.) And straight out of right-wing field is National Review's Mark Krikorian, who wants to boil her in oil because she pronounces her name funny. The only way this could get any more bizarre is if Dick Cheney showed up at the Senate hearings with his water-torture board. (It's mahogany...very classy...doubles as a coffee table in his den.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to those darn kids. Sasha Obama was six years-old when her dad announced his run for president back in 2007. Over the weekend she attended prom with date Chris Milton and her classmates from Sidwell Friends School in D.C. Next month (the 10th) she officially enters adulthood when she turns 18, leaving her famous mom and dad empty nesters. For perspective, here's a pic of Sasha at her dad’s inauguration and the happy prom couple last weekend…
[Sigh] I grow up so fast.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I think Bill in Portland Maine has all the duplicity of Rudy Giuliani without all the good looks and general likability of Rudy Giuliani."
---Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA)
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