Just like in the Matrix, the blue pill is really just an illusion… a blissful unreality you lie to yourself about in order to feel better about the awful situation you are really in. It is sadly ironic that the Wachowski sisters have seen their message — which has so many interesting trans themes if you go back and re watch the movie in that light — perverted by fools who don’t respect women. However, the power of the real life blue pill certainly has a real and fearful power that made me unable to live in delusion, or illusion, and more concerned than ever with being properly grounded in fact no matter what, no matter how painful it was to know and understand.
But I get ahead of myself. It was about seven years ago. I was going through a lot of emotional pain. I had had a very small run in with law enforcement over a little bit of marijuana residue, and in my naivete, or perhaps abundant caution, I did not want to smoke during a diversion program I agreed to, that would make my life easier. The charge was criminal mischief, the whole thing still rankles. Regardless, without weed and going through a lot of emotional stress, I was having trouble sleeping. I also did not want to drink myself to sleep, as I was afraid of how quickly that could be ruinous to me, and there had been alcoholics in my family. So, I decided to try over the counter sleep aids. Namely, diphenhydramine, also known by the main brand name of Benadryl… that evil little blue pill.
Now, diphenhydramine isn’t even really a sleeping pill as such, it is an antihistamine. However, due to the fact that it has sedating effects, and often has the side effect of making people extremely photophobic, it has been marketed heavily by many companies as a sleep aid. It seemed to work a bit, but not too well, so I tried taking more. It felt good. Like, kind of strange, delusional, demented, but it also had a high to it. It was nice, and it made me sleep. The pills were 50mg each. It was recommended to take only one. It was also recommended to never take them for more than a few days at a time, and if it seemed necessary to keep taking them, to stop and consult a doctor. I didn’t do any of that, of course. I kept taking more. The first bigger dose I only took 6, which was 300mg of diphenydramine. I do not know my exact weight at the time, but I would guess roughly 175 pounds at five feet eleven inches tall. Then, I wanted more, I began to get dependent on it for sleep and I wanted to take the high farther and see where it would go. I was in a very bad place, and it felt good.
So I took more. I started taking 500mg a night, ten pills. The world started getting really strange. I would hear noises outside my door, like people were having a conversation. I had insane thoughts, thoughts that at the time seemed godlike, truly godlike, I cannot describe another word for how powerful my conviction was in what these little revelations were. However, they always quickly drifted away, except for the one time I remembered one of my little “genius insights”, that the Star Wars universe is just what the kids at Charles Xavier's School For Gifted Children dream about while they sleep. But I digress.
Walking felt bizarre, I was extremely photophobic, which made it hard to enjoy anything. However, I got so delusionally high I enjoyed it anyways. I would fall asleep, but only after reaching the peak, and it was a horrible sleep, full of strange imaginings and weird vibes. I would twitch a lot, and have involuntary muscle spasms, and nothing really seemed to help it, except for the few times I passed out on the drug. It didn’t matter how much I drank either. My mouth felt so dry I cannot even find a metaphor to describe it, let’s just say that if you think you know dry mouth from having cottonmouth after use of marijuana, you have no idea, this was a level of hell on another level itself.
Then, I decided to try upping my dose one day. I decided to take 600mg instead of 500mg, and things got really, really bizarre. I felt extremely hot, I took of my sweater, shoes, socks, shirt, etc. I saw the hairs standing up straight on my arm and my skin literally changing color in front of my eyes. The hairs that were standing on end were high, impossibly high, and getting higher, I had enough lucidity to realize this was a hallucination, and I went to lie down, feeling hot, hoping to fall asleep and get through this nightmare. I slept, sort of, it was the strangest experience I have ever had. I saw things, vividly in front of me, they were happening, they were definitely happening, and then, my eyes opened. No, I had not been sleeping, I couldn’t believe it, it had been HAPPENING. But, it hadn’t, at all. This happened I don’t know how many times, countless, various scenes, each time I was so caught in delusion that until the scene ended I didn’t realize it wasn’t real. And then, the word salad, the strangest thing that has ever happened to me, and nothing like it since. It was… like a brain misfiring and going full auto at the same time. Words kept pouring through my mind, one after the other after the other, perfectly smooth, no overlap, no stuttering, it felt… it felt god-like, I didn’t want it to stop, even though I knew it was nothing more than a delusion, even though a part of me knew it was foolish, even though a part of me was screaming that this was insane, that my brain was hurting, that something was wrong… it still felt so amazing. It felt so GOOD. Finally, it stopped, I lapsed into unconsciousness.
The next day, I decided it was time to quit cold turkey, after my addiction/binge/bender (after all, it seemed like so long, but when I looked at the time frame later, it had really only been about 3-4 weeks at most). And that was when I experienced the worst physical withdrawal symptoms I have ever had in my life. Now, I will admit I didn’t have my brain scanned, so maybe it was somehow far more psychological than physiological. But it hardly matters, as the living hell it was… it was literally the worst thing I have ever been through. DO NOT GET DEPENDENT ON DIPHENHYDRAMINE. PLEASE, DO YOURSELF THAT ONE. FAVOR.
For the first 24 hours I could not sleep at all, period, not even a little bit. I had had no caffeine in days. It wasn’t a feeling like being stimulated or anything like that. I was even tired and felt tired. But my brain would not go to sleep. It was like it just didn’t understand how to do so anymore. It was broken.
And I was terrified. Finally I slept a little but only for an hour. I had taken diphenhydramine for having trouble getting to sleep, but before this, I had NEVER had a problem staying asleep. Now I did. After several days of trying, with no caffeine, trying to do everything natural to prepare myself for sleep, I started falling asleep for about two hours at a time at best, then finally after months I got it to about three to three and a half. I didn’t relapse onto the Benadryl — I was too scared of facing the withdrawal again for that. However, for years three and a half was about the best I could get without waking up because of something. Finally, almost seven years later, I can get 5-6 at once, and very rarely sometimes 7-8 if the stars align. My brain is still recovering, that much time later. Once in a great while I will take one, for extreme insomnia, and I hate myself for it, but I don’t ever exceed the recommended dosage anymore, and have only had it maybe a couple times a year on average since — the fact it is so cheap and readily available does not help. That said, I could never imagine overdosing on it again, as the horror of going through that living hell is something I cannot even begin to think about. Like I said… I am still trying to recover my ability to properly sleep, after it broke my brain.
I have not had it in a long time though… I hope I can keep myself from ever touching it again. Just take the red pill, and take it back from women hating scum like that Reddit group. What it really means is to live in reality, and see yourself and the world as you are and as it is truly is. Accept yourself for you who are, even your flaws. It doesn’t mean you have to be okay with the parts of you that are flaws, but accept them, accept all of you. You cannot improve what you don’t understand. And the same goes for the world. We must know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth first and foremost, or we don’t have a solid footing to begin with. A foundation built on shaky grounds will not withstand any real pressure. Sometimes it is so scary to know the real mess so many parts of the world are in, but until our blinders are off and we are aware of the full reality of everything wrong going on in America and around the globe, we will never be able to improve things, and increase the overall goodness of the universal consciousness.
I am not sure why I am posting this. I think I just wanted to get it out there. I have wanted to get it off my chest for a long time. I am ashamed to post it, but I want to warn others, if nothing else. Do not use this as a sleep aid. I do not want to say anything that will get me in legal trouble about drug companies labeling this as a sleep aid but… just, don’t use it. In fact, don’t use it for anything. There are so many other, better, more natural things you can do for sleep, which I discovered later during my withdrawal, and there are way better allergy medications you can get over the counter and cheap. This stuff is evil, it is vile. The drug companies put proper warnings, they are not telling you to use it in a habitual way, they do not tell you to use it for an extended period, but it is marketed as a sleep aid, and it is cheap and readily available anywhere. In fact, it is by far the cheapest sleep aid you will find of any kind, natural or otherwise in your pharmacy/otc aisles.
I don’t really have a good way to end this one… please don’t use this drug. It is evil beyond words.
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
This was pointed out to me in the comments:
If you are over 65, or perhaps even approaching it, it is now recommended after recent studies to not use anti-cholinergics, such as diphenhydramine (benadryl), and chlorpheniramine. There are plenty of safer alternatives now.
Source: www.health.harvard.edu/...