From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
— ALERT! ALL HANDS ON DECK! —
We'll keep this short, because time is of the essence. This Sunday, evangelist Franklin Graham has called on his followers to pray for Donald J. Trump:
“This is a critical time for America. We’re on the edge of a precipice. Time is short. We need to pray for God to intervene. We know that God hears and answers prayer. He is all-powerful, and He rules over the affairs of nations."
I don’t need to tell you how high the stakes are here. Franklin Graham is like the Aquaman of godtalkers. If those prayers make it all the way upstairs, well…you can only imagine. But the good news is, our prayer-blunting task force has come up with a plan that I think has a real shot at working.
It’s simple: This Sunday, we all pray for an intervention to the intervention. As Graham says, we know that God hears and answers prayer. She is all-powerful, and She rules over the affairs of nations. But unlike this nation, She decides by popular vote, not the electoral college. And since there's more of us than there are of them—by a long shot—our prayers will swamp theirs, and all they'll end up with is a participation trophy, bless their hearts. Short, five-second prayer bursts work best. Location doesn’t matter—you can do it inside or outside, in bed, in the can, at the waffle bar, in the park, it’s all good.
I assure you this can and will work. Let’s make this Sunday Franklin Graham’s and Donald Trump's Waterloo. Their Pickett's charge. Their New Coke. Their Edsel. And may the Force be with us.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Note: Today's commencement address, Honesty and Integrity: Your Road Map to Success, has been cancelled on account of we were unaware that the the speaker began serving a ten-year prison sentence this morning for bribery, embezzlement, and obstruction of justice. In his place will be a monkey playing the accordion. Thank you. ---The Dean
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Independence Day: 36
Days 'til the 15th annual Fiber Frolic in Windsor, Maine: 3
Financial loss per person in the United States so far due to Trump raising their taxes via tariffs on Chinese-made goods: $213
Rank of California, Texas and Washington among states with the most jobs connected to trade with China: #1, #2, #3
Percent of Americans in a Reuters/Ipsos poll who say abortion should be legal in most or all cases, up from 50% last July: 58%
Percent of Democrats who say abortion should be legal in most or all cases, versus only 55% of Republicans who say it shouldn't: 81%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 3 volcanoes and 1 kraken released by the president). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "You rang?"
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CHEERS to famous firsts. The racist Trump crime family may be stonewalling on the new Harriet Tubman $20 bill, but there's not a damn thing they can do about the fact that Lonnie G. Bunch III—the founding director of the National Museum of African-American history—was just elected to be the next Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution. And he's the first black person to hold the position in its 173 year history:
Bunch represents a new leader for the Smithsonian, but in many ways he is something of an old hand. He took over the African American history museum in 2005,steering it from the early days of its inception through its 2016 opening and beyond. Before that, he worked at the National Museum of American History for over a decade. […]
Within the Smithsonian Institution's leadership structure, the secretary is akin to a private company's CEO—the executive responsible for the umbrella organization's general vision and daily direction. … Bunch will assume the role of secretary on June 16.
It's no small job. Among other things, "The Smithsonian" is made up of 21 libraries, the National Zoo, and 19 museums. That’ll go up to twenty just as soon as the National Museum of American Candy Corn History comes online. Which reminds me: can someone loan me a billion dollars so I can make a down-payment on a National Museum of American Candy Corn History? Just leave the pallets of cash next to my backyard helipad. And help yourself to some candy corn!
CHEERS to today's edition of Well, Even A Stopped Clock Is Right Twice A Day. Courtesy of The Huffington Post:
North Korea on Monday called U.S.National Security Adviser John Bolton a “war monger” and “human defect” after he described its recent tests of short-range missiles as a violation of U.N. Security Council resolutions.
This has been today's edition of Well, Even A Stopped Clock Is Right Twice A Day.
CHEERS to the other star-spangled banner. On May 29, 1916, the official flag of the President of the United States was adopted by executive order. This is interesting:
According to David McCullough’s biography Truman, one morning, standing at his desk, [President Truman] presented to the press a new presidential flag. [...]
This new flag faces the eagle toward the staff, Truman explained, which is looking to the front all the time when you are on the march, and also has him looking at the olive branch for peace, instead of the arrows for war … Truman meant the shift in the eagle’s gaze to be seen as symbolic of a nation both on the march and dedicated to peace.
Don’t say that too loud. Trump will change it back.
JEERS to wearing your dumb on your sleeve. Claiming it was all in jest, a gaggle of airmen from the USS Wasp greeted the president on Memorial Day by wearing patches depicting Trump's face surrounded by the words "Make Aircrew Great Again." Hardy har har, I guess:
But here's the thing. By wearing those patches, those cocky top-gun flyboys of "Aircrew" are essentially admitting that they're not great. America deserves great people in her military, and it shouldn’t settle for great-wannabe's. So I say they should all be given a choice: either take a demotion in rank, or wear a replacement patch with Trump's face that says, "I'm with Stupid." Like those choices, boys? Great!
CHEERS to affairs of states. During this week in 1790, Rhode Island became the 13th original colony to ratify the U.S.Constitution. And in late May of 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state to become "one of U.S." (See what I did there? Huh? Huh? Abbreviation wordplay!) In the C&J cafeteria today, we offer the best of both states: hot wieners with cheese, snail salad with cheese, jonnycakes with cheese, and coffee milk with cheese. Please add 50 cents for extra cheese.
CHEERS to the end of an era. Did you know that today is technically a holiday? Yup…it's "End of the Middle Ages Day." To mark the occasion, despondent Republicans will lower their flag pins to half-lapel.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 29, 2009
CHEERS to Extreme Makeover: Outer Space Edition. I wish I could bring Galileo back to life so he could be here for this week's milestone. I'd take him out in the back yard, point to a tiny dot of light moving across the sky, and say: "See that? That's the International Space Station. It took us nine years to build it, and as of Friday it'll be outfitted with its full crew for the first time. How 'bout them apples, old man?" And he'd say, "Oh, right! A space station made of apples! And who are you calling old man, you little pipsqueak?" My point: sometimes even famous astronomers brought back from the dead deserve a wedgie.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to today’s pop quiz. No peeking or Googling—if you try to cheat, I’ve inserted malware that will make your computer or smartphone start playing a never-ending loop of It’s A Small World After All, so fair warning. Here’s the question: who was the first senior Trump official—aka rat on the sinking ship—to flee the White House two years ago this week? Here’s a pleasant musical interlude while you’re thinking it over…
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If you said Communications Director Michael Dubke, you win! Since that fateful day a mere 3 months and ten days after the stable genius who “only hires the best people, believe me” took the oath, the revolving door has spun so fast that even Rachel Maddow has given up adding new names to her giant Departures Board. (Hey, Mr. Smithsonian-secretary-elect Lonnie Bunch: you should put that in the American History museum.) Today the only people left are the ones who are, ironically enough, “resigned” to the fact that Trump is the godfather and they’re all just minions taking turns hosing him down with spray-on tan, fetching his cheeseburgers, and clipping his toenails. Golly, if I get any more bored with all the winning I’m gonna end up in a coma. On second thought, I kinda like the sound of that.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I pray for Bill in Portland Maine. I wish that his family or his Koslanders or his Cheers and Jeers splashers would have an intervention for the good of the kiddie pool.”
---Nancy Pelosi
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