Would still stink.
Donald J. Trump goes by many descriptions. Cheat. Fraud. Adulterer. Alleged child rapist. All well and good; he is those things and more. But I like a little color, a little extra something-something in the shade we cast on him. He gives ridiculous nicknames to his enemies: stupid, unoriginal, “where the hell did he get that?” monikers like “Pocahontas” and “Sleepy Joe.”
“We can do better than that, can’t we?” I asked the Universe. And she responded abundantly, speaking through pundits, comedians, politicians, and ordinary folks.
Here is a list of nicknames and descriptions of the human hemorrhoid who currently occupies the White House. They popped up in all corners of the Internet and I jotted them down as I saw them. Two of my most generous sources are denizens of our very own Daily Kos. Aldous J. Pennyfarthing and ShowerCap are high on the list of my favorite people on earth. Check them out. Their wit is balm for the soul in these dark times.
Only a few of these entries are attributed to their sources. When I started compiling it, I had no idea it would grow into something so large and worth sharing. So if you see a unique nickname that you made up, I thank you for it. Please take a bow; you deserve it. But don’t sue me, okay? Leave that shit to the President.
And now ... The List:
45* (with an asterisk, because he’s not really #45)
46 minus 1
Accidental Poosquirt
Adderall-Addled Assclown
Adolph Twittler
Banality of Evil Incarnate
Baron Golfin von Fatfuk
Baron Poostain Harkonnen
Benedict Donald
Bigly Piggly
Binky Bonespurs
Bloviating Fleshbag
Bollockchinned Spunkbubble
Bonespur Buttplug
Boss Turdmaggot
Boss Turdworm
Boss Tweet
Braindead Sherbet Pile
Buttplug Face
Cadet Bone Spurs
Candycorn Skidmark
Captain Crazypants
Carcinogenic Creamsicle
Carrot Caligula
Cheeto Benito
Circus Peanut Sidney Greenstreet
Clementine Ceaușescu
Clueless Numpty
Cockwomble
Combover Caligula
Commander-in-Tweet
Creep Throat
Darth Hater
Deranged Donnie
Diaper Don
Dolt45
Don Cornholeone
Don the Con
Donald Dump
Donald von Gropencrotch
Donnie Two Poops
Donny Dimwit (childhood nickname)
Dopey Dotard with Diminuitive Digits
Dotard (Kim Jong Un)
DOTUS
Drumpf
Earth’s Most Dislikable Thing And Yes That Includes Cancer
Emperor of Turdmaggots
Emperor on High To Whom Laws Most Certainly Do Not Apply And Also Whose Fingers Are Totally Normal-Sized
Emperor Turdpile
Fart-Huffing Fascist
Fatuous Dung Tweetle
Forrest Trump
Fuckface von Clownstick (Jon Stewart)
Fucking Moron (Rex Tillerson)
Fuckmuppet
Future Prison Wife
George Wallace But Dumber
Godzilla, With Less Foreign Policy Experience
Goldfinger
Government Cheese Goebbels
Grabba the Hut
Grabhersnatch
Grand Wizard Grifter
Grandpa Rantypants
Hair Furor
Hairpiece Himmler
Herr Douchenfuhrer
Herr Gropenfuhrer
His Orangeness
Human Dumpster Fire
Humpty-Trumpty
iDJT
Ignorant Fuckmuppet
Il Douche
Individual 1
IQ45
Kim Jong-Trump
King Leer
La Grande Merde
Leader of the Alt-Reich
Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops
Lil’ Donny Dotard
Littlefinger
Malodorous Turd Barge
Man With Phalangeal Stunting
Manchurian Manchild
Mangled Apricot Hellbeast
Mango Mussolini
Mango Unchained
Marmalade Menace
Marmalade Shartcannon
MF 1
Mrs. Putin
Neanderthal Narcissist
Orange Foolius
Orange Julius
Orange Shitgibbon
Ostomy Bag with a Dead Tabby on Top
Our Oligarch
Pee-Resident
Piss Ant Pol Pot
POSOTUS (Piece of Shit of the United States)
President Comic Sans
President Crotchrot
President Crotchvoid
President Dumpster Behind a Liposuction Clinic
President Gas Station Urinal Cake
President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster
President Pumpkin
President Used Enema Water
Pudgy McTrumpcake
Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot
Quasi-Dodo, the Hunchback of Notre Shame
Resident Ruskie
Russian Sockpuppet
Schmuck à l’Orange
SCROTUS (So-Called Ruler of the United States)
Shart Garfunkel
Sharty McFly
Shit-Spackled Muppet Fart
Shitgibbon
Spanky McTrump
Spray Tan Slobodan
Spray-Tanned Charlatan
Strawberry Shartcake
Sunny D-Bag
Tangelo Taint Tumor
Tangelo-Tinged Treasonweasel
Tangerine Idi Amin
Tangerine Palpatine
Tangerine tinea cruris (jock itch)
The Angry Cheeto
The Great Trumpkin
The Great White Dope
The Hairplug That Ate Decency
The Kompromat Kid
The Lyin’ King
The Man With the Golden Swirly
The Mustard Melanoma
The Orange One
The Pampers President
The Pumpkin Turd
The Tanning Bed Warning Label
The Trumpster
The Tufted Taliban
The Turd Emperor
The Very Fine and Much Less Racist Than Steve King (Wink, Wink) President
The Whore of Babble-On
Tiny-Fingered Cheeto-Faced Ferret-Wearing Shitgibbon
Toupeed Fucktrumpet
Trumplethinskin
Trumpnikov
Trumpnocchio
Trumpocalypse
Tsar Trumpov
Tsarevitch Trump
Ttump (his typo)
Turd-Gargling Dotard
Tweeter Trump
Tweety Amin
Tяump
Ugly, ignorant, ill-bred, uncouth, vile, disgusting, racist, tangerine wank maggot
Valor Thief in Chief (for accepting a misguided vet’s proffered Purple Heart)
Vapid Vessel of Very Fine Vanity
Velveeta Vulgarian
Walking Human Hemorrhoid
Weapons-Grade Plum
Weaselheaded Fucknugget
Wee Don
Weehands McNodick
White Kanye
Witless Fucking Cocksplat
Bonus list: What we call Trump’s adoring followers:
Cult 45
People Afflicted with white suprematitis and kukluxklanemia
Team Treasonweasel
Trump Chumps
Trump-Fluffers
Trumpanzees
Trumpstains
Trumpsters
Trump’s Credulous Rube Ten-Toothed Base