From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Circling the Crooked Wagons Edition
"Trump's calls with foreign leaders have long worried aides, leaving some 'genuinely horrified.' So these former aides were horrified, but they're just telling us now? Well, it's like the signs say: If you see something, say something two years after we could do anything about it."
—Stephen Colbert
"Twitter removed an anti-Joe Biden Nickelback meme posted by the president. I want to point out that Nickelback is Canadian, so Trump was still technically using foreigners to go after Joe Biden."
—Colin Jost
"[Trump's] tweets started coming so fast he even misspelled one of his favorite words: 'For the good of the country, this wirch hunt should end now.' He's right, this is a total wirch hunt. And you are Vladimir Putin's birch."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Not only is Trump lashing out, he's now demanding an apology from everyone involved in the impeachment [inquiry]. Then women, minorities, the disabled, Mexico, and Puerto Rico were like: you first."
—Jimmy Fallon
“If someone could harness the president’s self-pity as electricity, it could power the entire global economy carbon-free.”
—Chris Hayes
“According to a new poll, 58 percent of Americans support the opening of the impeachment inquiry into President Trump. So congratulations, man, you're finally polling above 50 percent."
—Seth Meyers
"To the bots and trolls, all of you, with love."
—Dedication in Rachel Maddow's new instant-best-selling book Blowout
Come on down and splash in the kiddie pool. Tonight we’re bobbing for worthless Marco Rubio bible quotes. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 11, 2019
Note: Good news—the meek shall inherit the earth. Bad news: only after the rich and powerful have sucked it dry and moved to Mars.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Brexit kicks in: 20
Days 'til the Monarch Butterfly and Pollinator Festival in San Antonio: 8
Percent of registered voters in Fox News polling who wanted Trump impeached and removed in July and last week, respectively: 42%, 51%
Estimated amount of money non-profits hoovered up last year from the top six pharmaceutical giants, double what they took in 2015: $680 million
Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) approval in the latest PPP poll: 22%
Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren favorability among registered black voters in North Carolina, according to PPP: 84%, 72%, 69%
Ocean temperature off the coast of Portland Maine: 56°
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Puppy Pic of the Day: And I can’t wait…
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CHEERS to signs of the looming Trumpocalypse. Let's see: support for the impeachment inquiry is at a record high. Two of Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani's gangster friends were indicted yesterday. (He'll probably be next, which explains the sudden national spike in sales of champagne and fireworks.) Rick Perry is the latest to get subpoenaed from Congress. Republicans in Congress have no idea what to say or do. And there's nothing moving outside of the White House these days but tumbleweeds:
White House officials close to President Donald Trump are pulling off a disappearing act, remaining largely absent from public view—in the middle of the storm over impeachment. […] It's a well-worn strategy in the Trump White House: Senior officials conveniently manage to be elsewhere when major controversies engulf the building. The frequent absences of Jared Kushner, the Republican president's son-in-law and senior adviser, and presidential daughter Ivanka Trump during moments of consequence have long been a running joke among their detractors. [...]
The White House did not respond to questions about the tactic Wednesday. But even when they're in Washington, many of the White House's most visible officials have been staying out of public view, letting the president's indignant Twitter feed and his frequent commentary drive the public conversation.
In fact, the closest thing to communication coming out of the White House these days is Melania’s usual three hours of opening and closing the window-blind slats to spell out "Help Me" in morse code. There, there, ma'am. You'll be on a one-way helicopter ride out of there soon enough.
CHEERS to this year's designated #1 peacemaker. The Nobel Committee's most prestigious award was handed out today, and…and…and…[the suspense is killing you, isn’t it?]…it's not Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. Aww, too bad:
The Norwegian Nobel Committee has decided to award the Nobel Peace Prize for 2019 to Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Ali for his efforts to achieve peace and international cooperation, and in particular for his decisive initiative to resolve the border conflict with neighbouring Eritrea. The prize is also meant to recognise all the stakeholders working for peace and reconciliation in Ethiopia and in the East and Northeast African regions.
When Abiy Ahmed became Prime Minister in April 2018, he made it clear that he wished to resume peace talks with Eritrea.In close cooperation with Isaias Afwerki, the President of Eritrea, Abiy Ahmed quickly worked out the principles of a peace agreement to end the long “no peace, no war” stalemate between the two countries. […]
Ethiopia is Africa’s second most populous country and has East Africa’s largest economy. A peaceful, stable and successful Ethiopia will have many positive side-effects, and will help to strengthen fraternity among nations and peoples in the region.
Among the much-bandied-about nominees (301 total this year) who didn’t make the cut this year: New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern; Brazilian indigenous chief Raoni Metuktire; and also me, for forging a lasting peace between the warring factions of red and grey squirrels in their territorial boundary dispute between Eastern Porch Roof and Western Porch Roof. (And we have the scars to prove it.)
CHEERS to the sanctity of marriage. Happy 44th anniversary to Bill and Hillary Clinton! According to the Texas School Board-approved Big Pop-up Book of American History, they got hitched on October 11, 1975 while running from the Feds during a string of bank robberies, after which they bribed and murdered their way to the Arkansas governor's mansion, where they participated in masked spouse-swapping parties while dipping their enemies in slopgrease and feeding them to the hogs out in the back yard next to their campaign-bribe cash vault. Then they shot their way into the White House, shot their way into the Clinton Foundation, shot their way into the Secretary of State’s office, and shot their way to the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination.
Today they spend most of their time shooting their way into the “10 Items Or Less” checkout at the Chappaqua Kroger with more than 10 items in their cart. What can we say? That's amore!
JEERS to the Craziest Show on Earth. Perkins! Loesch! O'Keefe! Gohmert! Gorka! Scalise! Hilarity and hijinks are on the agenda as the usual conservative rogues gallery reunites for their annual Values Voters Summit (motto: "Makin' shit up since Jesus rode the dinosaurs"), which they've carefully scheduled to take place in the "Real America," aka the "Heartland of Coal Miner Values"aka...um...the swamp called Washington, D.C. The primary goal of the summit, besides mega-grifting, is addressing the twin evils facing America today: the human groin area and melanin. Here's a preview of what we can expect this year, thanks to Right Wing Watch’s research on the Jesus freaks who’ll be attending:
> Homosexuals are plucking children out of foster care to turn them into homosexuals
> America will never be blessed by God until abortion is illegal
> The Constitution is under assault and we must save it at all costs unless it's inconvenient to us in which case fuck the Constitution and save the Bible.
> Before the civil rights movement, blacks “were godly, singing and happy.”
> Hurricanes are God’s revenge on those who don’t keep their groin area encased in concrete
> LGBT rights are fascism
> Liberals are in league with Satan and his groin area
> Marriage equality is a totally-not-erotic "fist of defiance" in God's groin area…er, face.
> People of color is “an ideological term to demonize white people.”
> The Pope is a secret Muslim who is hiding ISIS leaders in Vatican catacombs
Tomorrow night false prophet Donald Trump will shuffle to the podium and talk through his ice cream hole while flashing the ‘white power’ symbol every five seconds. Because if there’s one kind of person who should be revered by this god-fearing, take-the-Bible-literally crowd, it’s a false-witness-bearing, thieving, money-changing, adulterous false prophet who maintains a gold palace in liberal cesspool New York City and steals from the poor.
P.S. What do the male and female hookers in DC call the Values Voters Summiteers? Reliable customers but lousy tippers.
CHEERS to Coming Out Day. Today is the 31st annual reminder to the LGBT movement and the world at large that equality is a numbers game: the more we come out, the more society—including the Daily Kos community, ya big lovable lugs—recognizes us, supports us, and advocates on our behalf towards the goal of full equality.
Overall, even in the era of Trump and his red-capped cult, it's easier and safer to come out than it was when my closet door finally swung open—that was 1991 when I was 27 and couldn’t stand another minute of playing the Oscar-winning role of perpetual workaholic to justify to my family and friends my total lack of a love life. Coming Out Day for me is also a time to acknowledge and express off-the-charts gratitude to the courageous LGBT pioneers who lived openly in previous and much more hostile decades. We stand on their shoulders. Nobody said it better than good old Harvey Milk:
"Gay brothers and sisters, you must come out. Come out to your parents ... Come out to your relatives. Come out to your friends, if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors, to your fellow workers, to the people who work where you eat and shop. Come out only to the people you know, and who know you. … But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake."
...and for your free toaster oven.
CHEERS to great performances. On tomorrow’s date in 1960, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev went ballistic at the United Nations, took off his shoe and pounded it on his desk. Two words: mosquito...dead.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are a few tidbits on the TV schedule for the weekend. As always, Chris Hayes (now with a live audience on Fridays), Rachel Maddow, and Lawrence O'Donnell pick up the Friday news dump pieces and put 'em back together.
On HBO's Real Time at 10, Bill Maher talks with Senator And 2020 candidate Amy Klobuchar, plus Howard Stern, Ben Domenech, John Heilemann, and Vice News' Shauna Thomas. New home video releases include the unnecessary sequel to the unnecessary remake of Shaft, and not much else. The baseball schedule is here. (To get you caught up on where things stand: the Boston Red Sox are the current World Series Champions.) The NFL schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. David Harbour (Stranger Things) hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: the Hong Kong protests, the Nobel peace Prize, and the power of magic mushrooms to cure what ails ya. Chief Wiggum has a tough case to crack on The Simpsons and Stewie competes in the Toddler Games on Family Guy. And in a season that never seems to end (that's not a complaint), John Oliver uncorks another fine edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight Sunday at 11. You may guzzle at will.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Former Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis; Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY); Sen. Rand Paul (R-Gimmetarianville);
Face the Nation: Malicious Captain Kangaroo; Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL); the Republican senator from Texas whose dad shot JFK; new battleground tracking polls; also our Secretary of Defense, whoever the hell he is.
This Week: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Mayor Pete! Plus Rep. Anthony Brown (D-MD), DNC communications director Xochitl Hinojosa.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD); also our Secretary of Defense, whoever the blazes he is.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 11, 2009
CHEERS to America's Big Gay Weekend! Saturday night President Obama delivered a great, if timeline-less, speech at the Human Rights Campaign's annual gathering. Meanwhile, using the teabaggers' own crowd-measurement standards, over 20 million people turned out for the big gay March for Equality. (Americablog has a photo diary here.) The signs were spelled correctly; there were no Hitler references or calls to overthrow the government; the list of grievances and demands was clear, specific and reasonable; the march was fueled by love of country instead of hatred; and there was no cable news network organizing them and physically stage-managing the event. Or, as the traditional media calls it: borrrrring....
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And just one more…
CHEERS to fabulous first ladies. Today is Eleanor Roosevelt's 135th birthday. Like Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama, she didn't confine herself to picking out White House china patterns, especially when it came to women's rights:
She held the first women-only press conference at the White House in 1933.
Her 6-day a week syndicated column, My Day, encouraged women to "become more conscious of themselves as women and of their ability to function as a group. At the same time they must try to wipe from men's consciousness the need to consider them as a group or as women in their everyday activities, especially as workers in industry or the professions." And in 1939, when black singer Marian Anderson was denied the right to perform at Constitution Hall by the Daughters of the Revolution, Eleanor resigned from the group and helped arrange a concert at the Lincoln Memorial.
And this from a discussion of the 1946 proposed Statement of Purpose of the U.N. Subcommittee on the Status of Women:
Whereas freedom and equality are essential to human development and whereas woman is as much a human being as man and therefore entitled to share with him;
We believe that the well-being and progress of society depend on the extent to which both men and women are able to develop their full personality and are cognizant of their responsibilities to themselves and to others, and we believe that woman has thus a definite role to play in the building of a fine, healthy,prosperous and moral society and that she can fulfill this obligation only as a free and responsible member.
Therefore, be it resolved that the purpose of the subcommission is to raise the status of women to equality with men in all fields of human endeavor.
In the end, Roosevelt—whose image will grace the revamped $5 bill virtually the moment mega-misogynist Trump and his Treasury stooge Steve Mnuchin leave office—marveled that "I became more of a feminist than I ever imagined." The world is a better place for it. Pay your respects here. In her honor, tonight everything in the C&J cafeteria is slathered in Good Luck Margarine. It's what I've spread on my candy corn; I thoroughly enjoy it.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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