From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
What Made Trump Look Like An Even Bigger Jackass in November
Bullshit Mountain continues it’s non-stop growth spurt...
Space
China
DWTS
Al Roker
Bill Taylor
Anonymous
North Korea
His idiot son
Peggy Noonan
His sock rocket
His chief of staff
Conan the hero dog
Gov.Gavin Newsom
His "routine physical"
His shuttered scam charity
His scam campaign contests
The meaning of "centennial"
His idiot cyber-security adviser
His G-7 summit location search
His real-time witness tampering
His totally-penetrable border wall
The ass-loving Ukrainian president
Of course there’s more. We put the rest downstairs to keep it from stinkin’ things up too much above the fold. Aren’t we swell.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 2, 2019
Note: There's no difficulty—from flat tires to leaky pipes—that can't be overcome with a healthy dollop of leftover pureed turkey gizzards. It's science, people. It’s science.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Iowa caucus: 63
Days 'til Chester Greenwood Day in Farmington, Maine: 5
Age at which Chester Greenwood got a patent for his new invention called "earmuffs": 19
Percent of Americans in favor of impeachment and removal according to CNN polling last March and November, respectively: 36%, 50%
Percent who approve of the way Trump is handling the federal budget: 37%
Factor by which mountain lions in the Santa Cruz Mountains have higher levels of mercury in their bodies, thanks to coal-fired power plants, than those who live inland: 3x
Date on which Michigan joined nine other states in allowing recreational sales of marijuana: 12/1/19
Totally Palindromic NFL Score
Green Bay Packers 31 New York Giants 13
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Puppy: And the winner is….
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CHEERS to December. The year's glorious, sparkling, musical, snow-bedecked, bell-ringing, Norman Rockwellesque grand finale. Bring on the swans a' swimming, sharpen your dreidel tips and polish your Festivus pole (both Hanukkah and Festivus commence on the 23rd). Bring on Luke Skywalker and the porgs in the new Star Wars movie! (17 days and counting.) Bring on next week's full "cold moon." Bring on the official articles impeachment. Bring on the final 2019 Democratic debate—December 19th—at Loyola in Los Angeles, which I ain’t gonna watch no how cuz I’m gonna be at Star Wars! Bring on the winter solstice! Bring on C&J’s 16th anniversary! Bring on Rudy's indictments! Also: check the expiration date on the eggnog that's been sitting in the back of your fridge since 1999 before you take a swig. And settle your differences with 2019 because in 29 days it is out the door and ain't comin' back. I believe I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say: "Good."
JEERS to December. The year's stress-filled, bone chilling, dark-by-3, be-cheerful-or-else, and oh-here comes a-giant-blizzard (8-10 inches expected in Portland today) grand finale. The Harry Simeone choir will make curmudgeons' ears bleed with enough pa-rum-pum-pum-pums to choke a horse, and you just know there are even several beloved mega-celebrities who will inconvenience us by dying this month. There’s the Pearl Harbor anniversary to remind us how few of our WW II heroes remain above ground. Our cat will take up her favorite year-end tradition: batting ornaments off the tree. Britain will elect Boris Johnson and secure the UK’s future as a post-Brexit zombie wasteland. With Trump and the Republicans still in charge, the wise among us will forgo candy canes and instead hang holiday-themed Prozac dispensers. The question isn't whether Melania will go dystopian again with her White House decorating, but rather how dystopian she'll go. (I'm guessing concrete trees wrapped in barb wire with a machine gun nest for a topper.) Plus: I just guzzled a bunch of eggnog before checking the expiration date, so nice knowin’ ya. I believe I speak on behalf of everybody here when I say: "Bah humbug."
CHEERS to takin' it to Nadler's 'hood. Now that the Intelligence Committee's impeachment-inquiry hearings are basically done (though Adam Schiff is leaving the door open for more), the sordid, wretched stench of Donald Trump's corruption goes before the Judiciary Committee, which will start out nice and simple-like when it convenes for the first time on Wednesday (10am) to lay down preliminary wherefores and whatnots:
During the hearing, entitled “The Impeachment Inquiry into President Donald J. Trump: Constitutional Grounds for Presidential Impeachment,” experts will discuss the Constitution and explore whether Trump’s actions rise to the level of high crimes and misdemeanors.
It will “also discuss whether your alleged actions warrant the House’s exercising its authority to adopt articles of impeachment,” Nadler told Trump in [a] letter. “At base, the President has a choice to make: he can take this opportunity to be represented in the impeachment hearings, or he can stop complaining about the process,” Nadler said in a statement. […]
Democrats have described Trump’s actions as “bribery,” “extortion” and “abuse of power.” And Schiff has suggested that the White House’s repeated attempts to block witnesses from testifying could result in another article of impeachment for obstruction of justice.
Out of curiosity, I checked to see who's on the Judiciary committee. The 24 Democrats include 11 women and 12 minority/POC members. The 17 Republicans are all white males except for two women and whatever the hell alien species Louis Gohmert is. (Most believe he was a high priest on Orpglorb-6 before being exiled for doing some seriously inappropriate shit with his tentacles.)
CHEERS to crossing the finish line (with more than a few gobs of seaweed up our nose). Southerners and East Coasters rejoice! As of today your 2018 Atlantic hurricane season is officially over. A glance back (pdf) courtesy of the swirlie watchers at Colorado State University…
The 2019 Atlantic hurricane season was slightly above average and had a little more activity than what was predicted by our June-August updates.
Hurricane Dorian was the most impactful hurricane of 2019, devastating the northwestern Bahamas before bringing significant impacts to the southeastern United States and the Atlantic Provinces of Canada. Hurricane Dorian was the first Category 5 hurricane on record to make landfall on Grand Bahama Island. Tropical Storm Imelda also brought significant flooding to southeast Texas.
No Atlantic named storms formed between July 12 – August 20. This is the first time that this had occurred since 1982. 33 percent of Atlantic named storms (6 out of 18) became hurricanes in 2019. This is the lowest percentage of Atlantic named storms becoming hurricanes since 2013.
"Heckuva Job Donny" Trump’s disaster management skills were nearly as AWOL as they were last year. He made perfunctory appearances, sent out self-congratulatory tweets, and basically showed all the compassion of a…well, a dotard hurling rolls of paper towel to the homeless and hungry. Meanwhile, the NOAA 2020 hurricane season forecast comes out next May. But other than blizzards, ice storms, tornadoes, nor'easters, mudslides, droughts and Republicans still in charge of the Senate, we're in the clear.
CHEERS to slaying Ann Coulter's idol. Sixty-five years ago today, on December 2nd, 1954, the Senate voted 67-22 to condemn Joseph McCarthy for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute." Three years later the bitter, broken man would be dead of cirrhosis of the liver. The takeaway lesson for our modern age: everyone start sending Mitch McConnel liquor for Christmas.
CHEERS to my hunka hunka burnin' love. Happy Birthday—and many blessings on your camels—to my sweetie of 26 years, who turns [redacted] today. Wow, [redacted] years. I mean, think about it: when Michael—aka "Common Sense Mainer" here at the Great Orange Satan—was born, [redacted] was president, gas was [redacted] dollars and/or cents a gallon, [redacted] won the Oscar for Best Picture, and [redacted] won the Kentucky Derby. He shares his birthday with Britney Spears, Harry Reid, Cathy Lee Crosby, and Stone Phillips. And they won't get back from the bars until the wee hours. They never do.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 2, 2009
CHEERS to going where no upper chamber has gone before. Debate on the Senate healthcare reform bill started yesterday. Here are the highlights:
Democrats: Meow?
Republicans: [Hiss!]
Democrats: Meow?
Republicans: [Hiss!]
Democrats: Meow?
Republicans: [Hiss!]
Now you know why spectators in the gallery are told to keep their hands from dangling over the balcony. On today's agenda: Republicans poop outside their litter box. In other words, business as usual.
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And just one more…
JEERS to more of Mr. Maniac’s maniacal manure. As promised, here’s the bottom half of this month’s record-breaking list of people and things that made Trump look like an even bigger jackass in November:
District Court Judge Michael Simon
The Justice Dept. Inspector General
The unsecure phone he always uses
The 14 million jobs Ivanka did not create
U.S. District Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson
His $115 million taxpayer-funded golf addiction
The biggest lie "foistered" on the American people
The crowd at UFC mixed martial arts event in NYC
His quid pro quo-confirming Ambassador to the EU
The Whistleblower Protection Act he didn’t sign but says he did
With the start of this week’s formal impeachment hearings boring through what's left of the dotard's brain, god only knows what next month's list will look like. Hopefully it'll only be half a dozen items long, followed by a simple "Closed due to resignation."
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Quickly Forgotten: Jeopardy! Champ James Holzhauer and Fellow Contestants Have No Idea Who Bill In Portland Maine Is
—Mediaite
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