I cannot lie I am feeling at a loss right now. A loss I have only felt once before in my life. I grew up hearing that we would never have a black president. I heard it so much it had tainted the 2007 run of Barack Obama for me until he made it to the general. I listened to the grumblings of elders who called him bold for running but openly said “he ain’t going to get it.” They went from that to “Yes We Can...”
I also heard that wed never elect a woman. I watched in 2016 as misogyny and lies reinforced that. Watched as an admitted sexual predator (who is now running the country into the ground and shirking all the norms took our highest office) and my heart broke. I thought there was no way I would ever feel hope again. Then Kamala Harris announced her campaign, it started out shaky even thought I was down from almost the beginning. Watching her inspire women young and old, watching her interact with children. Her passion over gun control, her empathy for those of us struggling to feed our families, pay our bills, just survive. The fact that she thought of people like me who live with Mental Illness. Had a plan to get us the funding we desperately need. Beds in facilities because Mental health issues are a health issue. I felt seen and represented. I felt hope.
Then today that hope was ripped from me, as Senator Harris announced her dropping out of the 2020 election. The email said it was due to funding. I know it was that, media erasure and the same crap I have been hearing all my life. That we will never elect a woman especially a black woman. I will hear the same adage of “we aren’t ready for such things.” Even after four hundred years and forty four old white men leading us into near ruin. We still aren’t ready? Worse yet are folks are going to be bothering me to vote blue no matter who..., when I have consistently voted since my eighteen birthday. Despite health and financial issues, I put more faith and work into voting than this government has ever given me back. And with this current clown car full of Democrats who do not reflect anything I stand for I find myself lost.
Do I go with the Cosplay socialists who promise free stuff that is not feasible? No I am too practical for that. Do I go with the old white man whose only tie to my community is he was the VP of President Obama ignoring his praising of working with segregationists, saying that people like me don’t read to our kids and other very offensive stereotypes? Do I go with the college town mayor who has an abysmal outreach with his own community of color, continues to step in it and people try to tell me that its not manure but roses? Or better yet do I even try to pretend to care about the Russian asset who yelped when her name wasn’t even called or the business guy with no experience but loves to yell how he will give you 1,000 a month?
Worse yet is there are still two candidates of color and a woman who I respect still running but I fear even wasting any energy hoping for them after this. This country is determined to keep getting it wrong and I don’t have the mental energy to hope anymore. I am angry, and sad, burned out and depleted from today’s news. For the first time in my voting history I am seriously considering leaving the Democratic party. I will never become a Republican but I no longer feel like constantly being a party savior for a party that shows me my voice is not worth reflecting. I have so much to think about and process.
To Mrs Harris thank you for trying, thank you for running. For speaking to us as human beings. For taking our fears, concern and health issues seriously and shining a light. Thank you for bringing joy even briefly to this drawn out primary process. I am sorry that once again this country fails to see that your strength, courage and empathy would be exactly what we need after four years in this Trumpian nightmare. But I am not sorry I backed you, I only wish we could have seen this through to the general election. I am worn out now and full of disappointment, I want to try to end this on a note of hope but as of now I come up empty.
If you read this thank you for letting me vent, I feel so upset right now and writing it out is a small part of the coping process.