From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: POTUS Dusts Off His Tin-Foil Hat Edition
"[Jeffrey Epstein's death] has set off a wild wave of conspiracy theories online. The sort of stuff that only unstable tinfoil-hat loons could possibly believe. So: Donald Trump."
—Stephen Colbert
Clip of CNN's Jake Tapper: President Trump used his massive twitter platform to spread a deranged conspiracy theory tying the pedophile Jeffrey Epstein in prison to the president's former political rivals, the Clintons. I'm not going to show you the tweet.
Seth Meyers: Think about that. The president's tweets are so insane the news can't even show them now. It's getting to the point where, when he talks to reporters, they're gonna have to blur out his entire face. They're gonna have to treat him like accidental nudity. We elected President Nip Slip.
—Late Night
"According to The Washington Post, Trump has now made more than 12,000 false or misleading claims since he took office two-and-a-half years ago. If Trump's nose grew every time he told a lie, he could use it as a zip-line straight to Vladimir Putin's bedroom.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
"We all know how much Trump struggles to do the bare minimum of being a president. But it's still genuinely shocking just how much he struggles to do the bare minimum of being a f*cking person."
—John Oliver
"I call [Trump] 'the occupant.' He is just occupying space. We went from a president who sang Amazing Grace to one who displays zero of it. He does not honor the integrity or the responsibility, or the empathy or the compassion, and so for that reason I call him 'the occupant,' not because I dishonor the office but because he does."
—Rep. Ayanna Presley (D-MA) on The Late Show
And my favorite quote of the week, which I’ve also mumbled to myself often:
"Trump is just a lie a minute, which makes me—[Long pause]—drink whiskey."
---Claire McCaskill on MSNBC's Deadline White House
Come on down and splash. Show your Greenland residency card and we'll let you cut in line at the muskox buffet. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 16, 2019
Note: Today is National Rum Day. Since it’s way past 5 o'clock, the C&J Tiki hut is already open and dispensing a tasty assortment of complimentary Daiquiris, Mojitos, Mai Tais, Dark & Stormys, Hurricanes, Blue Hawaiis, Cuba Libres, Zombies, Bumbos, Coquitos, and, of course, Orange Whips. Do stop by and say hi. I'll be over in the corner making outrageous and slurred accusations at a lamp.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of Rosh Hashanah: 44
Days 'til the Tequila and Taco Music Festival in Santa Cruz: 18
Percent of registered voters who want a ban on assault weapons, according to a new Fox News poll: 67%
Approve/Disapprove numbers for North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper (D), according to a new PPP poll: 48% / 33%
Percent chance that multiple lightning strikes have been detected recently within 300 miles of the North Pole: 100%
Average cost to see a play or musical on Broadway: $98
Estimated value of drunk shopping to the U.S. economy each year, according to Harper's Index, 95 percent of which is done by children under the age of 3: $39,400,000,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: And the AKC's one-millionth “canine good citizen” Is…
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CHEERS to seeing the writing on the wall. Specifically, this writing on this wall:
John Hickenlooper
Colorado needs you
Stop running for president
Run for Senate instead
You're already polling 13 points ahead of Cory Gardner
Senators get their own parking space and toga
Presidents can’t drive at all and get no toga
Sure enough, Governor Hickenlooper bowed out of the presidential primary race yesterday, and will likely run for Gardner's Senate seat instead. I think the final clincher was the writing on the wall that said: "And besides, unlike the White House, the senate won’t smell like spray-on tan and rigor mortis. As long as you stay clear of Inhofe."
CHEERS to puttin' down roots. The Trump "administration" desperately wants to punish employees at the USDA’s Economic Research Service and its National Institute of Food and Agriculture for believing in science by forcing them to either move from the east coast to a new office in Kansas or be fired. This is their oh-so-clever way of thinning the ranks and throwing the agencies into mass confusion for the foreseeable future. (Yay! America's great again…right???) But not so fast. My representative, Chellie Pingree (D-ME) has a nice bucket of freezing-cold Atlantic water to throw on that idea:
Pingree is the sponsor of a bill that would hit the brakes on the move. Her Agriculture Research Integrity Act of 2019 would keep the two agencies in Washington.
“From the beginning, the decision to relocate NIFA and ERS was disrespectful to these career public workers and it has not been fully vetted,” she said, pointing out that a required cost-benefit analysis has yet to be turned over to Congress. […] The House and Senate are working to hash out competing versions of the budget before a Sept. 30 deadline. It isn’t clear that [Ag Secretary Sonny] Perdue has authority to order the agencies to move.
Actually, I'm being told that Pingree just received that cost-benefit analysis. It's a crayon drawing of a cow and a haystack with the word "Moo" across the top. House budget officials say it's the most detailed document they've received from the White House since at least January 20, 2017.
CHEERS to Grrrl Power, Part I. Ninety-nine years ago Sunday, on August 18, 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution—giving women the right to vote—was ratified. That's right—you menfolk ratified the Constitution in 1788 and it only took you 132 years to get your asses off the couch and make this act of equality a reality. Now if you'll just takeout the garbage and fix the kitchen sink, you might get some nookie.
CHEERS to Grrrl Power, Part II. Not so fast, Mr.Biden. You may look cool behind the wheel in your Ray-Bans. But I suggest you take a look in your rear-view mirror and see who's about to knock the chrome off your bumpah:
Results of a new poll shows Sen. Elizabeth Warren surging into a statistical tie with former Vice President Joe Biden.
The poll, conducted by YouGov for The Economist, shows Biden earning 21% support compared to Warren’s 20%, well within the margin of error.
Sen. Bernie Sanders is in third place with 16%, Sen. Kamala Harris in fourth with 8%, and Beto O’Rourke and Mayor Pete Buttigieg sharing the fifth spot with 5% of support.
This is real, people, and let me tell you why. Not to toot my horn, but as an unpaid marketing consultant I told her a few weeks ago: "Senator, listen to me. You run some targeted blimp ads and your numbers are gonna take off—[Then I made this crazy whooshing sound]—like a rocket, lady! And you can see it clearly worked. But keep your eye on Senator Harris Monday morning. Today I advised her that her numbers will get a bounce if she hires a team to throw "Kamala 2020" darts at the Warren blimps during rush hour. God, I love being a puppetmaster.
JEERS to exiting too soon. On August 16, 1977, while sitting on his golden throne, 42 year-old Elvis Presley's heart ran out of steam and he died at 3:30 p.m. He was supposed to kick off a concert tour in Portland, Maine the next day, but those tickets went forever un-ripped:
Of course, this date has special significance for gaffe watchers: during a stop in South Carolina not so long ago, presidential candidate (Snort!) Michele Bachmann urged a campaign crowd—all six of them—to join her in wishing The King a happy birthday. Someone in the crowd yelled out the truth but she ignored it, of course, since facts are pesky things. Anyway, pay your hunka hunka burnin' respects here, darlin'. Thankyuhvrrrmuch.
CHEERS to riding the rails. 121 years ago today, in 1898, Edwin Prescott patented his design for a "roller coaster." Followed the next day by a patent for "Ye Olde Hurl Bucket."
CHEERS to home vegetation. Pretty much the usual stuff on TV this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes and Rachel tonight. On What Would You Do? (tonight at 9, ABC), bystanders react when a woman (actress) takes pics of an injured man (actor) instead of helping him. Then at 10 on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), rapper/activist Killer Mike, author Carl Hulse, Daily Beast reporter Betsy Woodruff, and Republican Never-Trumper Rick Wilson.
Tomorrow night at 8 on PBS there's a two-hour special called Downton Abbey Returns, which features new cast interviews and a sneak peek at the upcoming movie. New home video releases include Avengers: Endgame and the Aretha Franklin documentary Amazing Grace. The baseball schedule is here. On 60 Minutes: the scourge of plastic, and the latest in cyber espionage. There's another new Downton Abbey special on Sunday night at 9 (PBS). And at 11, John Oliver unearths some new skulduggery that the skulduggerers wish he hadn't on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Beto!!! Plus: Former Fox News clown now posing as an “economic adviser” Larry Kudlow and former Rep. Mark Sanford (R-SC).
This Week: Stacey Abrams!!! Also: Sen. and 2020 candidate Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY), and director of the Office of Trade and Manufacturing Policy Peter Navarro;
Face the Nation: Peter Navarro; Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV); 2020 candidate Andrew Yang.
CNN's State of the Union: Mayor Pete!!! Plus director of the Office of Trade and Manufacturing Policy Peter Navarro; Andrew Gillum; and DNC communications poobah Xochitl Hinojosa.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: 2020 candidate Gov. Steve Bullock (D-MT); Larry Kudlow.
Happy viewing!
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15 years ago in C&J: August 16, 2004
JEERS to shiny new titles. Bush reveals during campaign stop that "War on Terror" just doesn't have the right ring to it. His words: "It ought to be, The Struggle Against Ideological Extremists Who Do Not Believe In Free Societies Who Happen To Use Terror As A Weapon To Try to Shake the Conscience Of The Free World." But feel free to just say the acronym SAIEWDNBFSWHUTAWTSCFW for convenience.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Lady from Plains. Happy birthday to former First Lady and always-amazing human being Rosalynn Carter, who gets 91 candles on her cake tomorrow. The Atlanta Journal Constitution has an update on her latest comings and goings, including another trip to an overalls-and-lunch-bucket job site:
Meanwhile,there’s another milestone quickly coming up for the Carters. Every year since 1984, the former president (who’ll be 94 on Oct. 1) and his wife have led ambitious Habitat for Humanity building projects everywhere from Eagle Butte,South Dakota (1994) to Lonavala, India (2006). […]
Come Aug. 27, the couple will be in Mishawaka, Indiana, as the 35th Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter Work Project gets underway for a week of building 22 new affordable homes.
How nice that her POTUS husband of seventy-three-freaking-years-are-you-kidding-me is still cancer-free after that terrible scare a few years back so they can enjoy their usual birthday tradition tomorrow by stealing a Harley and going on a multi-state bank robbing spree with Jimmy in the sidecar and Lord help anyone who gets in their way. Kids these days…
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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