I curled up on the couch under the fake fur blanket I had bought on a whim and opened my laptop to see what was happening in the world. It’s kind of a scary thing to do nowadays; you never know what is going to happen when you aren’t watching. Nothing good, lately.
I had barely fired up the machine when Freddie jump up and immediately settled on my lap where he could view the computer screen.
I stroked his fur. “Hey, little guy,” I said quietly.
“Squirrels?” he asked. “Maybe chipmunks today?”
I sighed, peering at the monster I had created. “I don’t want to watch a six hour video of squirrels running in the park,” I told him.
“That’s okay,” he assured me. “I’m sure you can find one of lizards or mice.”
You know how this works, but as always, a gentle reminder:
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I ignored him and went to a bookmarked news site. I immediately cringed as the orange abomination filled my screen.
“What’s that?” Freddie asked, pawing at the screen. “You always get mad when see it.”
“It’s not important to you,” I said. “You’re better off not knowing.”
“It upsets you so you should turn on something else. Like maybe some small woodland birds.”
I laughed. “Woodland?”
“Yeah, they live in the woodlands. Or so I’ve been led to believe.”
I nodded, suppressing my laughter. “I don’t really want to watch a video,” I said.
“How about some memes?” he asked.
I thought about it, my eyes drifting back to the screen where the pumpkin monstrosity gazed back at me through lizard eyes. Memes sounded pretty good in the face of that. “Alright,” I said. “I could stand a few memes.” I opened a new tab and did a quick search.
“Oooooh,” Freddie moaned. “I need dis, too”
I nodded. “You’ll get some nice cat food in a little while. People food is no good for you.”
“Yes, but look at the meme. I need dis!”
“This is how I feel when you constantly try to eat my food,” I told him.
“That’s not even a meme,” he sniffed.
“What is that one on the right?” he asked, frowning at the screen.
“It’s a cat in a painting.”
He looked over at me. “Someone made that?” he asked
“Uh-huh. It’s a painting.”
“Did they ever see a cat before?”
I laughed. “They saw the cat on the left!” I declared. “It looks like like it!”
“Math is hard,” I explained. “Or, at least it always was for me. That’s why I took a lot of English classes instead.”
“I don’t need math,” he said.
“How many times a day do you get gushy food?” I asked.
“Twice!” he answered immediately.
“How many times do you think you should get gushy food?”
“Five times!” he declared without thinking.
“So you are being shorted…?”
“Three times!” he shouted, standing up. “You should give me three more meals everyday!”
“No, you’ll get sick!” I said.
He lowered himself back to my lap, muttering.
“You’re right,” I told him. “You don’t need math.”
He opened his mouth.
“I know, no dogs,” I said before he could.
“No dogs,” he agreed. “And not nearly enough gushy food.”
“That’s not a meme,” he pointed out.
“No, I think it’s a picture people can use to make memes. I just like it. This kitty looks like a real badass!”
“We all are,” he reminded me.
“What is that, a pizza crust?” I asked.
“It’s something delicious,” he said. “Something I should probably get at least five times — “
“Moving on!” I said.
I frowned at him. “I don’t know why you do that,” I said.
“Just because you sleep all at once instead of all day is no reason to judge me for my schedule,” he lectured.
“Okay, okay, I just wish you’d keep it down.”
I laughed and rubbed his head. “I’m so glad you don’t do that,” I said.
“Do what? What is he talking about?”
“Nothing!” I said quickly, not wanting to give him any ideas.
"I don’t use a phone,” he said, frowning.
“This is more about people,” I explained.
“You do this?” he asked.
“Take my phone into the bathroom? Uh, not usually. But you know that — you never let me go to the bathroom by myself!”
“I don’t get it,” he said. “This one isn’t a meme, either.”
“No,” I said. “This one is more about poking fun at a different meme. Where a lady is yelling at a cat.”
“Why would a lady yell at a cat?” he asked. “We don’t understand you when you yell at us.”
“It’s just a joke,” I explained. “She wasn’t actually yelling at him. Someone put two different pictures together.”
“Hey! It’s you!” I declared.
“I am rather majestic,” he said.
“That’s a fluffy tail!” I said.
Freddie looked back at his own tail. “I like mine better,” he said.
“Yeah,” I agreed, stroking him from the top of his head to the tip of his tail. “I like yours too.”
“Why would this make anyone uncomfortable?” he asked.
I thought about how to answer. “Because it seems like something you should be doing in private,” I answered.
He frowned. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“You know how I shut the door when I go to the bathroom?”
“Yes,” he said. “You really should stop doing that.”
“No — that’s for privacy. Because I’m doing things I don’t want other people to watch.”
“Who cares? Everyone goes to the bathroom. Why should you hide it?”
“I guess it’s more of a human thing,” I conceded.
I sighed. “This one is almost too true to be funny,” I said.
“Hey! It’s another math joke!” I announced.
“Is it about the three meals you are cheating me out of?”
“No,” I said, and clicked over to the next meme.
“That’s a very weird cat!” Freddie said.
“It’s a dolphin! It lives in the ocean.”
“So, water?”
I nodded and he shuddered.
“That’s you! What’s your obsession with shoes?” I asked.
“They smell good,” he said.
“That’s — that’s — just ewww.”
“They smell like you,” he said, defensively.
I frowned at him. “And you think that smells good?”
“I like the way you smell,” he told me. “You smell like the person who feeds me and pets me.”
“That’s...really sweet, actually.”
“It would be sweeter if you fed me the right amount,” he added.
I started to sing.
“Oh, stop!” Freddie yelled over me.
"Honestly, you owe me like three tuna sandwiches,” he insisted.
“Do I?” I asked, eyebrow raised.
“We determined that I should be fed at least five times — no six times — “
“Who’s ‘we’ in this scenario?” I asked.
“—but you’ve been starving me with only two times — “
“Uh-huh,” I said.
“— so tuna is the least you can do to make it up to me.”
“That was just a little math lesson,” I said. “It wasn’t a contract.”
“I’m soooo hungry!” he cried.
“There’s kibble in your bowl,” I pointed out.
He sighed and lowered his head, resting it on my hand. “You don’t love me at all,” he said, sadly.
“Guess not!” I agreed, clicking back to the news. The orange menace reappeared and I winced again. “Maybe we both need a treat,” I said, closing the laptop.
Freddie jumped up and raced into the kitchen. “We do!” he called back over his shoulder.
I got up, laughing, to follow him.
Happy Caturday, Peeps! I actually turned on a few short videos of lizards on the YouTube in the middle of writing this, so now Freddie is crouching next to me, his face a inch from the screen, his chin brushing my right hand as I type. It’s not actually a great way to write, truth be told, but he’s sure making me laugh.
I’ll be in and out as usual, wishing I could win the lottery so I could stop going to work.